


If I get my way

by pupshori



Category: Sexy Zone
Genre: Cheesy, Comedy, Drama, M/M, Romance, ShoriSou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-12-26 11:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12057636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupshori/pseuds/pupshori
Summary: Sou feels conflicted about confessing his feelings for Shori. On the one hand he wants to know Shori’s answer even if it hurts so he can finally move on, but on the other hand he is too scared of their friendship breaking apart completely. So he decides to be at least a little brave and writes an anonymous love letter. And suddenly that letter seems to change everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write something really cheesy...idk where this is going to :'D

                                                              

 

 

 

Sou doesn’t know what is going on with him for a very long time. Why he feels like he’s stuck in place and cannot move forward although he has all the freedom in the world. When he’s known as the ‚mood-maker’ to his members. When his group is finally united as five and their career is booming. He should be happy about the position he’s in right now. And he is. He couldn’t be happier.

But there is one thing he’s been feeling from the very beginning that he didn’t understand, or _didn’t want_ to understand. Something that he’s been putting aside every time it popped up in his head. Something he thought would resolve on its own when he gives it time. He was so wrong.

Sou learns early on that a lot of things in life happen unexpectedly, because he has never even thought he would be put in a group and debut, but there are some things he has to take into his own hands or nothing will happen at all.

„Are you daydreaming again?“, a familiar voice asks and Sou can feel a silhouette above him block the sun from his view. „You didn’t even listen to me did you?“

Sou opens his eyes and sees Shori right above him. They have been lying on the grass in the garden of Shori’s parents house, eating sandwiches and snacks they bought before they got here. It’s been a sunny day and it feels nice to relax in the sun for a while and do nothing. Especially when it’s with your best friend and most important person.

„I was listening. Something about Key-chan eating a lot“, Sou replies and props himself up, stretching his arms. It isn’t unusual for Shori to talk about his pet parakeet. Ever since his family got him the little bird, Shori has been talking about him day and night, Sou always the first one to know all the news, about Key-chan trying out new songs with him, or Shori teaching him little tricks.

Sometimes Sou wishes he could be a pet bird.

„I was saying you’re not eating enough lately, and that even Key-chan eats more than you!“, Shori complains and pouts. „You don’t even eat the sandwiches I bought you. And they’re your favourite.“

Sou’s heart beats faster at the thought of kissing Shori’s cute pout away.

„Is something bothering you? I know you Sou, you can talk to me about anything, you know?“, Shori urges again and grabs one of the sandwiches from the plate next to them and bites into it, munching.

It’s been five days since Sou put his letter in Shori’s fan letter box. Of course it is bothering him that Shori didn’t mention anything about it at all even though he put so much effort in it. Maybe Shori just brushed it off as a normal fan letter. Maybe Sou is the only one so concerned about it.

„...no? Everything is fine“, Sou replies in the most casual way possible. „Maybe it’s just the weather? It’s been getting warmer and warmer lately.“

„Then you have to eat“, Shori says and presses the ham and cheese-sandwich that he has bit into seconds before against Sou’s lips.

Sou is thrown back at first but has no other choice left than to take a bite now that Shori is literally feeding him. He’s blushing so hard his cheeks feel like they’re on fire, but thankfully the sun is strong and it might just look like his cheeks got a sunburn.

This is exactly why he loves Shori. Shori has the image that he doesn’t like skinship, or doing cute things, or just being mushy and adorable in general. He always pretends to be cool and out of reach but that’s not what he is at all. At least not with someone he’s close to and trusts in. Sou is that person, Shori has told him numerous times. Even in public.

But for Sou it’s not enough.

„What about you?“, Sou asks after he gulps down his bite. „Is there anything going on right now?“

 Is he being selfish for wanting more than this?

„Hmm“, Shori hums, like he’s thinking hard about it, before he stuffs the rest of the sandwich into his mouth and lets himself fall back onto their picnic blanket. „Not really.“

„Hmm.“ Sou lays next to him.

It feels like a date, but somehow it doesn’t. What’s the difference? The difference is that Shori doesn’t know about his feelings and Sou feels like he’s constantly lying to him. That’s why he needs that letter. It feels like his life depends on it. But if it doesn’t work out in the end and Shori doesn’t even react to it at all, then it’s been to waste.

But it is okay because Sou can still have moments like this in his life, together with Shori.

Together with his most important person.

 

~~~~~

 

_Five days earlier_

 

Sou is sitting in his small room by his desk, it is late at night. He has made up his mind. About writing a love letter to confess to Shori. He has been thinking about it for weeks now, he just has to finally do it.

Shori, who spent almost every day together with him for the past five years, who has been working together with him during that time, who has been there for him always when he needed him.

_Trust in me. Rely on me more often._

Sou can hear Shori’s voice in his head. Always. He will never forget those words Shori told him, and Sou has cried afterwards. Tears of happiness.

And then he realised, a life without Shori, he cannot imagine that anymore. Every time Shori hasn’t been there, especially during the time they were separated at work, Sou was lonely. He has missed Shori so much and before he truly realised it, Shori has been on his mind all the time. His smile, his voice, his caring glance. It wasn’t about Shori’s face, his body, or even his gender. It’s not like Sou would choose him if he had a choice. No, he would not risk their perfect friendship for something as stupid and risky as love. But he had no choice, it happened, just like that. He fell in love with Shori’s caring character, the small gestures, and in fact Sou could say that he feels like they’re soulmates.

But that’s one thing he doesn’t really know about Shori. What he thinks about love. Of course, they have talked about their dream girls for magazines and interviews. Shori always said something simple and sincere, like he wants someone with a good character, someone who’s caring too. Sou has had to hold himself back from describing someone who would totally fit Shori’s character. But that is just for their job and their fans.

Then they often get asked which member they would date if they were a girl. Once Shori told him how much he hates that question because it’s stupid, you can’t control who to fall in love with, and he’s not a girl and he loves all the members in their unique way. Sou has smiled at that because Shori has given a perfect answer again. Even if fans would never find out.

Although it’s silly and dumb, sometimes Sou wishes Shori would answer his name for that question, only once. But for some odd reason Shori always answers „Fuma! Because he’s manly and cool“ instead, and Sou gets a little self-conscious because he’s everything but manly and cool, he’s more the crybaby-kind of guy, but then Shori tells him it was the first thing that popped up in his mind. And so to tease Shori, Sou gives „Marius“ or „Kento“ as his answer and he can see Shori snicker and roll his eyes from the other side of the room.

Sou giggles to himself thinking back to that interview. He’s still sitting at his desk, with his most expensive pen and prettiest letter set in front of him. There’s so many things he wants to tell Shori with this letter that he doesn’t know where to start. But maybe he should just start writing what’s on his mind and see where it goes.

_Dear Shori... I love how your smile lights up my world._

„No, too cheesy“, Sou mumbles to himself and crumples the paper to throw it into the bin next to him.

In the end he still writes down that sentence. With many others. His letter takes up two whole pages, hand-written.

Shori knows his handwriting, he would recognise it immediately. However, Sou is very good at disguising his handwriting. Others and himself would say he’s pretty talented at it. He’s also good at imitating others. But for this letter, he makes up a completely new handwriting, taking his time, making sure that not even a simple dot gives him away. It almost takes him the whole night.

He also doesn’t put his name or his address underneath it. He leaves that space blank.

Sou doesn’t know himself what he expects to gain from it, the more he thinks about it the more the idea appers useless and dumb to him, but something in his heart tells him that he has to do this or he will regret it forever.

So he follows his heart, this one time.

 

~~~~~

 

_One week later_

 

„Thank you for your hard work!“ The staff people bow and the members bow back in return, thanking them for taking care of everything.

They have just finished a couple of photoshoots for a monthly magazine, nothing unusual, and the members return to their dressing room, all exhausted and done for the day. Well, except Shori, the only one who still seems to be in high spirits, smiling like he has just won the lottery.

„I can’t help but feel annoyed that I’m tired and Shori is so hyperactive and happy“, Fuma groans as he throws himself back onto the couch in their dressing room, his feet dangling from the armrest. „Whatever pill you took Shori, I want it.“

„What?“, Shori smiles, as he sits down on one of the chairs and fumbles around the floor for his bag.

„Yeah, that’s true. Shori is unusually smiley today“, Kento remarks as he grabs for a water bottle. „And not just for the photoshoot, you’ve been like that the whole morning already. Even now, see.“

Sou sits across Shori, watching his every move. Of course he has noticed Shori’s sudden happiness too and he was dying to know what is going on.

It’s been a whole week now.

„It’s just something someone gave me“, Shori finally answers and Sou immediately perks up his ears.

Just as Shori brings a stack of documents out from his bag, that’s when Sou eyes his letter right on top of the unimportant work papers. The pretty baby blue envelope with a small red heart drawn on it and animal stickers all over, Shori takes it into his hands carefully so he doesn’t accidentally give it any wrinkles.

„A fan letter...?“, Fuma asks after he gets up from the couch in hope to see something interesting, but pretends to yawn as soon as he eyes the cheesy letter. „You get those every single day, what’s so special about that one?“

„It is special to me. Every letter is special to me“, Shori says, his eyes focused on the letter and if Sou can tell he thinks he can see Shori blush slightly. „But the words in this one really touched me. It’s like they knew exactly what I needed to hear.“

„A love letter?“, Marius chimes in. „It sounds like Shori is in love...“

„Who is it from?“, Kento asks as he sits next to Sou.

„I don’t know“, Shori replies casually but everyone can feel the disappointment in his voice. „They didn’t state it underneath. Not even the name. Isn’t that unusual for fans? They at least always write their nickname...“

„Maybe they are shy.“ Kento again.

„Why do I feel like it’s not really from a fan, but from someone close to me...“ Shori bites his lower lip.

„A stalker?!“, Marius says in shock and Kento laughs at that. „I don’t think we’re that popular“, he retorts.

„I don’t think I can be seduced by an anonymous letter“, Shori replies almost instantly. „But I at least want to say thank you to the person who wrote it.“

„Let me see“, Fuma says and suddenly before Shori can react, he snatches the letter from Shori’s hands and opens the envelope so he can read what’s on the inside.

Shori instantly jumps up to get the letter back, his face turning even redder but Fuma holds it high above his head and Shori stays at disadvantage due to his height.

„ _I love how your smile lights up my world_ “, Fuma reads from the letter and breaks out in laughter. „Damn, not even Nakajima would say something like that.“

Luckily everyone’s attention is on Shori and his letter so no one notices how Sou is sitting there pale as a ghost and about to drop dead from embarrassment. No one knows but he still feels horrible. He doesn’t want anyone but Shori to read the letter. It isn’t meant for anyone else’s eyes.

„Fuma!“, Shori yells angrily and kicks him in his shin, which results in Fuma releasing a yelp in pain and dropping the letter so Shori can catch it and immediately bring it close to his chest, safe from everyone if they try to snatch it again.

„I’m sorry but you asked for it“, Shori scoffs as he sits back down, putting the letter in between some other papers and documents so no one can see it anymore.

„You’re boring. I just wanted to help you find out who it’s from“, Fuma says as he pats his own leg from the pain. Shori can kick pretty hard when you anger him.

„Maybe the letter is from Hashimoto Kanna!“, Marius yells and it’s not like they’re not used to Marius’ random crazy ideas all the time, but this one even makes Kento giggle.

Sou on the other hand doesn’t feel like laughing at all. Just after slowly returning from the dead again he almost instantly receives another heart attack. Or more like, a huge lump in the back of his throat, the anxiety slowly killing him on the inside.

Obviously the members are going to joke about it one way or another. However Sou doesn’t feel like cracking jokes at all.

„Come on Marius, Kanna is way out of his league“, Fuma laughs.

„If someone’s out of somebody’s league it’s Shori from Kanna’s!“, Marius returns instantly.

„Can you both stop now!?“

Everyone halts and looks at Shori in surprise when he shouts furiously and gets up from the metal chair so fast that it makes a loud screeching noise and almost falls over.

„I’m going home!“

Without further ado Shori packs up his bag hastily and is fuming mad as he does so. With an infuriated face expression he storms out of the room and leaves the rest of the members behind.

„He’s so sensitive lately“, Fuma says and shrugs. „That’s the first sign of being in love. Uh oh, I don’t feel anything good coming out of this. Poor Shori.“

Kento rolls his eyes and signals Fuma to stop the childish jokes as he finally gets up from his seat as well. Sometimes he does step in as the eldest when someone starts to fight but this time Shori indeed reacted a little too sensitive, even in Kento’s opinion. It’s not like Shori’s usual self. It’s usually Sou and Marius that need to be separated when they start arguing over something silly.

„Sou, I think you should go after him. I mean, just in case“, Kento mumbles and nudges Sou with his elbow.

Sou finally snaps out of his state of death and reacts. „Um, yeah. I will.“

It is weird Shori hasn’t talked to him about the letter first when they were alone. Something is different this time.

 

~~~~

 

„Shori, wait!“

Sou is running towards Shori who has just walked outside of the office building, putting on his jeans jacket and he turns around upon hearing Sou calling him. He has almost forgotten that Sou has been in the same room with them as well and he just realised that Sou hasn’t said a word regarding this issue either.

„You shouldn’t...“, Sou starts talking after catching his breath. „...feel hurt by Fuma’s and Mari’s words. They’re just being idiots, one more than the other.“

„I’m not hurt“, Shori says, straightening the sleeves of his jacket. „I just couldn’t stand them talking in a degrading tone like that about Kanna. Like her looks are everything there is to her. She is a kind person. And that letter really touched me. I feel like they also laughed about my feelings, in a way.“

Sou looks up to Shori who looks at him with a serious face. He doesn’t know what to say. He also doesn’t know Kanna like Shori does. He only knows she is a very pretty girl and an actress who has had the chance to play a main role alongside Shori in a semi-romantic movie and even though Sou has been one of the first people to go see the movie, he was biting into his fist during the whole two hours to numb his jealousy.

Besides that Shori never talked about her when he was with Sou nor did he mention anything extraordinary about her. Sou has always had the impression they were just colleagues. He knew how awkward Shori could be with people he doesn’t know well.

„Well, um... Do you think it’s possible...“, Sou starts and scratches the back of his head. _Think of something. Think of something good_. „That the letter is from her?“

„I don’t know“, Shori replies.

„Would it make you happy?“

The longer Shori waits with his answer, the closer Sou is to crying. This is not how he planned it out. He didn’t write this stupid letter to make Shori think Kanna wrote it. He is going to be devastated if Shori falls in love with _his_ words, but thinks they’re from someone else.

It has been a silly idea after all. Sou knew from the start.

„It’s useless to think about stuff like that since we’re not allowed to date anyways. Just imagine the harm I would cause for Sexy Zone.“

Sou lets out a sigh. Although Shori doesn’t give him a clear answer, it’s something one would expect from Shori. He’s always thinking about the group first. He wouldn’t do anything reckless and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt Sou. Shori isn’t the type to listen to anyone but he knows what he wants to focus on.

„It was dumb to bring it up in front of the whole group. I don’t know what got into me“, Shori says after Sou just stares at him, unsure of what to reply. „I should have told just you or Kento. Or no one. It’s just a dumb letter after all.“

Shori hugs his bag with the letter inside and Sou eyes it like a hawk. He expects Shori to say something else, to be like _yes I fell in love I really want to know the person who wrote it_ but Shori seems to brush it off like he usually does when he isn’t sure of something and needs more time to think about it himself.

However, Sou flinches a little when Shori puts an arm around his shoulder. „Wanna grab some food with me before we head home?“

„Sure!“

Sou admires Shori’s composure and his mature side, especially when he puts their group first. But what would be if Shori knew that the letter is from someone within his own group?

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

_„Well, where are you now?“_

It is Shori’s voice on the phone. Sou has his mobile phone pressed against his right ear as he is walking down a small street, headed straight towards Shori’s house. It’s Friday noon and they have decided to meet up and spend the day together since they have the weekend off.

„I’m right around the corner. I’ll be there to pick you up in a minute“, Sou says into his phone with a smile on his face.

He loves taking this route, Shori pretty much lives in the heart of Tokyo and from his house they can go anywhere they like. Also Sou likes his neighbourhood, it is very quiet, despite the next train station being a ten minutes walk away.

 _„I’ll see you there then“,_ Shori replies and Sou hangs up, putting his phone in his back pocket.

Sou stops a few metres away from Shori’s home behind a vending machine to let his fingers go through his hair and check if his hairstyle is still alright. He’s wearing baggy pants with trendy sneakers and an over-sized white t-shirt of his favourite brand. He’s quite confident in his looks today.

As he is about to turn around the corner to walk towards the Sato family house he stops himself when he suddenly sees a girl in front of his best friend’s home, and Shori who is just walking out of the front door, closing the door behind him and smiling towards the unknown girl. She waves at him and Shori waves back, like they have known each other for a long time.

„Hey“, Shori greets her with a sheepish smile, then quickly throws a glance at his wristwatch.

„Hey“, she greets him back, holding her handbag in front of her body. „Do you have a second to talk? I wanted to tell you something important.“

Sou sees Shori look left and right like he’s looking for him to arrive any second but then looks back at the girl. „Sure. What is it, Meiko?“

Sou thanks the gods for putting those vending machines around every corner in Japan because it allows him to be close enough to be able to eavesdrop on their conversation without being seen.

„I wanted to talk about the letter.“

As soon as Sou hears the word letter, his fingers twitch.

„Letter?“, Shori asks and his eyes light up.

„Yeah. I wrote it because I was too shy to talk to you in person. Even after all those years.“

 _Who the fuck does she think she is_ , Sou thinks in his head and rage fills his body almost instantly. He wishes he could just walk in front of them and tell the truth but he stays calm, for Shori, and for his own desperate feelings.

„Are you serious?“, Shori asks and before Meiko is able to say another word, Sou decides to stop hiding and walks right towards them, immediately catching Shori’s attention.

„Hey!“, Sou says with a rather loud voice and the girl jumps back a little, surprised at his sudden appearance.

„Oh, hey“, Shori says with a calm voice and throws a quick glance at him before he faces Meiko again. „Right, I was going to meet up with him today. You know Sexy Zone so you know Matsushima, right?“

Meiko bows slightly, mumbling a barely audible _nice to meet you._

„This is Meiko Iwahara. She lives in Fukuoka but comes to visit her grandparents every summer, who are our next-door neighbours and good family friends of my parents. So we always used to spend our summer together while we were kids“, Shori explains, switching between her and Sou. „She just finished high school so we’re her seniors. By the way did you come here to look for an university in Tokyo?“

„Yes! I would like to stay in Tokyo so I can spend more time with Shori“, she says with a beaming smile and Sou thinks he can feel his stomach turn.

He has so many questions.

How does she know about the letter?

Why did Shori never talk about her if they’re that close?

Did she stalk them and eavesdrop on their conversation in front of the office building after Shori stormed out of it yesterday?

What are her intentions?

„That sounds amazing! I mean Tokyo is a great opportunity. Matsushima isn’t from around here either and he got used to it pretty well, right?“

„Hm, yeah“, Sou mumbles. He doesn’t feel like talking about his hometown with this girl he has just met who is apparently a childhood friend of Shori’s.

There’s a short moment of silence, Sou just looking at Shori with Meiko standing in between them, staring at Shori.

She’s shorter than both of them with a slim figure and a cute white bow in her long black hair, matching her red lacey summer dress with short sleeves. _She’s pretty,_ Sou thinks.

Cute. Smiling the whole time. Someone Shori would like.

„Since we’re all here now, uhm, how about you come with us, Meiko? We could do a little sightseeing around Tokyo and show you some cool places“, Shori finally speaks up, clapping his hands once. „How about Odaiba? I know a non-touristy spot with the best ice cream in the world.“

„I’d love to!“, Meiko beams before Sou can protest.

He is going to end up saying something mean if he protests now anyways so he bites his tongue and lets her join. „It’s fine with me.“

„Great! Let’s go then“, Shori says with a laugh and walks in front, Meiko following his side. Sou follows them behind, not to inconvenience other people on the street and watches them.

Maybe, no definitely, Sou is jealous and he feels that bitter feeling slowly eating him up from the inside. He doesn’t have a good feeling about Meiko and maybe or definitely his jealousy is affecting that idea but he cannot stop thinking about it, even when Shori and her casually talk with each other and laugh and joke around, just like Shori and him do usually.

Shori just isn’t the type to be comfortable around girls this easily.

His feelings are all messed up but he knows for certain that he didn’t write this letter for another girl to claim it as hers.

 

~~~~~

 

They take the crowded metro to get around Tokyo because Shori says you’re not a true Tokyoite if you don’t do this at least once and no one will recognise them in the crowd of people anyways, so they hold onto the hand railing as the train rushes over the elevated tracks, houses and streets beneath them and skyscrapers and the sea in the distance, Shori pointing fingers at certain buildings and explaining what they are all the while Meiko listens to him carefully and smiles and Sou sighs desperately next to them.

He thinks back to the time when Shori used to do the same thing with him, showing him around Tokyo when he finally moved here permanently although Sou visited Tokyo more than enough to know all the main parts about the metropolitan city and Japan’s capital.

A sad Mr.Children song runs through Sou’s head as he loses himself in his thoughts and ignores his surroundings completely.

„We’re here.“ Shori’s voice calls as they arrive at their desired destination and he stands at the train door, waiting for Sou to exit as well.

They walk through the bay area and it’s a wonderful sunny day and if it weren’t for his current situation Sou would actually enjoy the seagulls noises and the ships loud horns in the background and the sun piercing on his skin and Shori’s presence.

He doesn’t even realise they have reached the beach and Shori stops at a familiar place, the place they usually hang out at together, an area with big enough stones to sit on under a pretty tree that provides them shade while still being able to burry their feet in the sand and look at the sea and the Rainbow bridge in front of them.

„Here it is, isn’t it relaxing? Not many people know about this peaceful place“, Shori snickers with a smug face and Sou looks away, disappointed that now another person knows about their hangout place.

„It’s beautiful. Almost as beautiful as Fukuoka“, Meiko says with an equally mischievous smile as she sits down and lets her bag flop into the sand.

„I’m going to buy some ice cream for us, it’s right around the corner. Sou, you want the usual one, matcha?“, Shori asks and looks at Sou as he fishes his wallet out of his backpack, to which Sou just nods obediently. „What about you, Meiko? It’s on me.“

„I also want the usual“, she replies.

„What was that again? Strawberry?“

„Yep!“

Sou almost grunts at her annoying response and at the fact that Shori knows her favoured ice cream. _Shori is just trying to be nice_ , is what Sou tries to tell himself but he cannot stop his mind playing out all kinds of scenarios and the more he thinks about it the more his head starts to hurt.

While Shori disappears to buy ice cream, Sou and Meiko sit by themselves and the sea in the background and Meiko instantly pulls her phone out, playing with it and not paying Sou any attention at all.

It’s so obvious she’s here only for Shori.

„So uhmm... you and Shori know each other for a while, hm?“ Sou wants to start a conversation, anything to make this any less awkward than it already is.

„Yes“, she only replies, not even looking up, so he gives up.

When Shori returns she finally puts her phone back in her pocket, taking her ice cream and thanking Shori for it like he just made her entire day.

„What did you get?“, she asks when Shori finally sits down as well, in the middle between the both of them.

„Mint chocolate chip.“

„Can I try?“

Sou almost chokes on his ice cream.

„Eh, should I go buy you one as well?“, Shori asks, confused, but before they can both realise what’s happening Meiko leans over and takes a lick of Shori’s ice cream, Shori letting her as he doesn’t move it away from her.

„It’s good! I’ll have it next time“, she says with a smile after licking her lips and then moves back to continue eating her own and Shori just stares at her and Sou stares at him in return, trying to comprehend what has just happened and figure out Shori’s mind.

Before any of them can say something they are interrupted by Shori’s mobile phone ringing.

„It’s our manager“, Shori mumbles as he looks at its screen and picks up. „Hello?“

Sou thanks the heavens for their manager to interrupt them this time because he doesn’t think he can handle this situation any much longer.

„Okay... Yeah... There’s nothing that can be done then. Yeah, Matsushima is with me. No... An e-mail? I didn’t check any today... Yeah I’m sorry, we’ll be right there.“ Then Shori hangs up.

„What is it?“, Sou asks, half curious and half hoping it’s something that will make them have to end this horrible day.

„Manager just said that she’s pissed at me because I don’t check my e-mails and that we have an urgent shoot today for a tv magazine, and that if we don’t get there in one hour she’s gonna come over personally and scold us to death.“

„What, seriously?“ _Thank you whatever force is on my side right now._ „Why didn’t she tell us earlier though?“

„She said they weren’t sure about when to have the shoot themselves since they only need the two of us so they were going to give us a short notice. But she said it’s nothing big, they’ll just shoot a few pictures in one outfit and that’s it. However, we should get there like, right now.“

It’s not something they aren’t used to and finally for once Sou is happy that they have to work even on their day off.

„Oh, I guess there’s nothing I can do then“, Meiko says and looks at her feet, pretending to be sad. „The day ended way too soon. I really had fun up until now.“

„Well, why don’t you come with us?“, Shori suddenly recommends and Sou thinks his hearing abilities have left him. „I’m sure you’ve never been at a professional photoshoot before and it sounds exciting for people who aren’t doing this every day like us... And you don’t have to spend the rest of the day alone then.“

„What? A visitor?“, Sou tosses in and tries to sound as concerned as possible. „Manager won’t be pleased if we just bring a girl along.“

„It’s okay, I’ll tell her“, Shori replies instantly. „She’s my friend, not any random fan. It’ll be alright.“

„True, I only checked Sexy Zone out for Shori anyways“, she laughs and Sou rolls his eyes.

It’s so obvious she’s flirting.

Why cannot Shori see it?

„Okay then, let’s hurry. I’m sure it won’t take too long today.“

_Or does he not want to see it?_

 

~~~~~

 

Everything goes smoothly at the studio, like usual. They enter and greet the staff members, Sou throws his bag in one corner next to some empty boxes and Shori next to his, Meiko keeps her bag and just follows them at every step, looking around amazed at every single detail.

Shori introduces her to their manager and asks if she can stay and manager says it’s fine as long as they do their job properly, then ignores Meiko for the rest of the session.

The photographer waits ready in front of the cameras and a woman with a basket of clothes in her hands leads them to behind a thick black curtain to change their clothes for the shoot. Usually they have a dressing room for this but since it’s only one outfit they can change into it quickly and don’t have to leave this floor completely to get to a separate room.

It’s only a few minutes that Sou is finally alone with Shori, even though everyone is waiting behind the curtain for them, but he takes the chance and speaks up as he watches Shori strip off his t-shirt and shorts to get into a pair of jeans with suspenders and a yellow-white checkered shirt.

„Did you really have to do that?“

„What?“, Shori asks as he puts a thin black ribbon around his stand-up collar.

The theme seems to be autumn fashion and although it still feels like summer in Tokyo, Sou can’t help but smile a little when he sees Shori struggle with the bow because he’s trying to hurry up and not sweat too much at the same time, even with the air conditioner at full blast.

„That girl.“

„What’s with Meiko?“

„You didn’t have to bring her along. I don’t have a good feeling about this.“

Shori finally fixes his bow and hands Sou his. „Instead of talking you should rather fix your outfit.“

Before Sou can fight back Shori puts a hand through the curtain and their stylist squeezes in between them to put some light make-up on their faces and fix their hair and hand them some minor accessories.

Sou ignores Shori because he doesn’t want to argue in front of a staff member and puts on his fake-glasses and a black hat to complete the outfit. Despite the yellow colour burning his eyes upon seeing it in the mirror in front, he actually likes the trendy outfit. It reminds him of those hipster guy-model outfits he sees on Instagram lately, it just looks kind of silly on himself.

However, Sou is convinced that even a plastic bag would look good on Shori’s body together in combination with his charm.

„Are you ready? We can shoot now!“ The photographer calls and Shori and Sou both enter the set, which besides a white screen behind them consists of many colourful pillows on the floor for them to sit on.

Of course Shori instantly throws himself face-down into the pillows like a little child would, laughing, and Sou follows him thinking maybe they are supposed to do this.

„Please, I need a little more seriousness!“, Sou hears the photographer say although he already started taking pictures.

Probably for a behind the scenes section or maybe being able to only see their butts in the frame looks somehow funny enough to be worth a picture.

„I just need you to sit down on the pillows and maybe look at each other for one picture, then straight at the camera for the rest.“

They sit down cross-legged and for a second Sou forgets about Meiko who appears next to their editor who is working on the pictures on his laptop and he just looks at Shori and laughs because Shori looks so handsome in this outfit still, but he knows the older would never wear it voluntarily apart from work.

And Shori laughs back, saying how the hat makes Sou look like some French painter he has seen in one of his American tv series he’s constantly binge-watching on Netflix, and then Shori looks at the camera with his brightest smile facing the flash bulb as it constantly shoots photos of them.

Sou is still looking at him, not realising how lovestruck he appears even in front of cameras, and if this weren’t their job, everyone who pays a little attention would easily be able to read Sou’s feelings through his face alone.

„Perfect! Your faces are excellent!“ The photographer shouts and they change some more positions until finally the last picture is shot.

When the camera’s shutter makes it last noises, Shori finally gets up to run next to Meiko and their editor to see the photos and check if they’re alright.

He smiles and gives the editor a thumbs up, saying how every picture turned out good, like most of the times. Especially when he’s shooting with Sou alone. It’s never hard to shoot for them together because they just have to be themselves and that’s exactly what’s charming, it’s their chemistry.

Sou finally runs up to them to look at the photos as well, when Meiko asks Shori to show her where the restroom is and they disappear for a second and Sou doesn’t even care because he’s too mesmerised by the cute pictures.

„They all look good, right? But we only need these for the magazine“, the editor says, pointing at the more serious-looking pictures.

„Really? I actually really like those a lot. It’s a waste that we took them for nothing“, Sou replies and points at the series of pictures where they laugh at each other and Shori attempts to hit Sou with one of the pillows.

„Yeah, they look fun. But it’s what the magazine editors want.“

„Can I have them? As a memory. You can send them to my e-mail, I like to collect all the off-photoshoot pictures.“

„Sure. But why is it that you always only want the pictures with Sato in them...“ The guy squints his eyes, pretending to think hard about his own statement.

„Well... they’re pretty!“ Sou cannot think of a better excuse than the truth. Shori is too pretty in them for Sou to let them go to waste in the endless black hole of all deleted data.

„Well, if I had the opportunity to take pictures with someone as pretty as Sato I would also want to keep all of them“, the editor says and winks at Sou without anyone else noticing and Sou doesn’t know what to say because he knows their editor is queer and probably the only one who would understand him but he also doesn’t want anyone to know either. He wants Shori to be his little secret only.

„Relax, I’ll send them to you, don’t worry“, he finally says and Sou laughs in relief, he’s thinking too much into it once again. The staff members are all friendly to them and like to joke around, that’s also a reason why he loves his job no matter how exhausting it may be.

„Hey, Matsushima“, manager taps his shoulder gently and he turns around, facing her. „Thank you for your hard work today. By the way can you look for Sato and tell him to speak to me so I can remind him of some of his future schedules? I’ve just been looking through your guys’ current schedules and there’s some more days we need to plan.“

„Sure.“ Sou remembers Shori just went outside the studio to show Meiko where the restrooms are.

As he walks down the long corridor to get to the restrooms, he already hears Shori and Meiko around the corner, talking with each other.

„...maybe we can see each other again tomorrow? But only the two of us. I really want to talk about what you said this noon“, he hears Shori say in a serious tone and Sou stops to listen.

He doesn’t want to eavesdrop once again but why is it always him who has to walk in on them discussing things like that?

„Of course! I wanted to ask you as well“, Meiko says and it sounds like she’s stepping closer to Shori. „How about we go to an aquarium? I always wanted to go to one here.“

„Good. I’ll pick you up at 4PM then.“

A date at the aquarium.

This is what this is.

Sou waits, unsure of what he’s expecting next but he looks up when they both suddenly turn to stand in front of him, unbelievably close to each other, like they’ve just been holding hands.

„Sou?“, Shori asks, bringing Sou back to reality.

„Manager said you should talk to her about something.“ Sou doesn’t know himself what he’s saying anymore.

„I will. Are you alright?“, Shori asks with concern in his voice.

„I’m fine. Just tired.“

Usually Shori is able to see through his lies and won’t leave him alone until he finally speaks the truth but it is a different situation this time. Sou tries to hold in his anger and disappointment and rage and sadness. He has to endure it for a while.

He got himself in this situation after all.

Just for a little more.


	3. Chapter 3

                                                                

 

 

It probably isn’t a good idea. No, it definitely is not a good idea.

But whatever, Sou is determined he won’t let his chance be taken away so quickly, his chance of getting closer to Shori. As of right now, he feels more like they are drifting further away.

He doesn’t want to visit the aquarium to stalk Shori on his date with his childhood friend, he wants to trust Shori and believe in him but if he doesn’t take a hold of his own fate, then what will happen?

As soon as Sou buys their tickets with his hard-earned money and enters the aquarium area he goes into secret-agent-mode, trying to stay covered by a group of people or a pillar at any given moment.

„Why are we here again?“, Marius complains as he keeps looking at his phone, unimpressed with what Sou is doing, and suddenly Sou regrets taking the younger along because Marius’ astonishing height just makes them prone to being discovered.

„Shh. I’m looking for them. It’s important because I need to know“, Sou doesn’t know how to explain himself but he needs someone as an excuse so he doesn’t look creepy roaming around this aquarium for Shori if he’s seen by anyone. And Marius is the perfect partner for that, he won’t ask too many questions and will take anything for an answer.

„Shori? And his friend?“, Marius repeats as he finally slips his phone in the pocket of his jacket and puts his hands on Sou’s shoulder as he’s peeping behind a stone sculpture of a seal in the outer area.

„There they are“, Sou whispers and pushes his sunglasses down to use the binoculars that he has attached to a strap around his neck. Usually he has used those for concerts in the past.

„What are they doing?“, Marius asks curiously and obviously he likes the idea that they are on a „mission“.

Shori and Meiko are standing in front of the penguin enclosure, watching the little birds waddle after each other and jumping into the water for a fish treat.

Meiko looks even prettier in her new flowery dress than the last time Sou has seen her and Shori looks pretty normal, stunning no matter what he decides to wear. He’s wearing a khaki bomber jacket along with sweat pants and Nike sneakers, his hair is messy hidden under a sports cap, probably not to draw too much attention to himself in public.

They are talking about something, Sou is too far away to make out what, but Shori laughs at what she’s saying, then points at the penguins and speaks again. They’re eating crepes with strawberries and whipped cream.

Then she gently grabs Shori’s arm and he instantly turns to her again, Sou can see he’s surprised. _Yes, Shori doesn’t like physical contact that much,_ Sou thinks to himself. In that moment Meiko lifts her other hand and wipes something from the corner of Shori’s lips and he blushes, not saying anything.

„God damn it“, Sou curses under his breath as he puts his binoculars down.

„Looks like Shori can’t behave himself while eating even if he’s out with a girl“, Marius comments and Sou feels the rage come up within his insides again. „Can’t you buy me something to eat too, Sou-chan? I’m hungry.“

„Later“, Sou mumbles.

From afar he sees Meiko laugh and suddenly Shori grabs her wrist and seems to lead her to another area. Quickly Sou turns around and does the same with Marius, dragging him along to wherever they’re going.

Looks like they have entered the interior area with the fish tanks and he tries not to get distracted by cute glowing jellyfish and rare shark species swimming next to him.

At least it is much darker in here and it is easier to stay hidden. The blue colour of the water fills the room and the shade makes Sou relax although he feels so anxious his heart feels like exploding.

Marius is already distracted by some clownfish as Sou constantly has to drag him along in order not to lose sight of Shori and Meiko, and seeing all the couples around him he almost feels like he’s here on a date with Marius instead.

Finally he sees Shori and Meiko stop in front of a huge fish tank with colourful marine fish and sting-rays and corals and they sit on an empty bench in front. Sou stops behind a pillar and Marius right behind him. There aren’t too many people around them and it’s pleasantly silent.

„I’m going to the restroom for a second“, he hears Meiko say to Shori as she gets up. „I’ll be right back.“

Shori nods and remains sitting on the bench, waiting for her. His back is turned to Sou and Marius.

„Oh my god, is that a moray?!“, Marius yells a little too excited and he instantly covers his own mouth with his hand, eyes widened in shock. As expected, Shori turns around as well, spotting Marius very well behind the small pillar with Sou.

Sou bites his lips in frustration and wishes he could kick Marius really hard for once, but then he leaves his hiding spot as he drags Marius away from it.

„What are you two doing here...?“, Shori asks from a few metres away as he turns to sit on the other side of the bench, looking directly at Sou and Mairus.

„Oh, hey. You’re here too“, Sou tries to act as surprised and unsuspicious as possible. „We’re here because Marius really likes fish and wanted someone to go with him. Right?“

„Right“, Marius says after Sou nudges him gently. „Yes, I would like one as a pet.“

„The last time I was here with Marius he said that fish are boring“, Shori instantly retorts and Sou looks at Marius with a _what-the-hell_ -face expression.

„Well... we still have a lot to see, right Marius?“, Sou says after clearing his throat. „We should go our own way again and leave Shori alone, hm?“

„Right, right“, Marius replies with a beaming smile. „It was nice seeing you, Shori!“

Shori turns around again, obviously confused about what has just happened, and Sou and Marius walk off quickly to a safe distance, as far away as possible but still being able to spot Shori.

„That was fucking close“, Sou hisses as he’s finally able to catch his breath.

They have climbed half of the staircase that leads to the second storey of the aquarium and now hide behind the railing to look through to Shori’s direction. Being higher up actually gives them a better view of the whole situation, and he can also see Shori’s face from the front, the blue shade illuminating him so perfectly.

Meiko just returns as well and she sits down unbelievably close to Shori, their hands almost touching.

The only disadvantage they have from that point of view is that Sou cannot hear what they are talking about, as much as he tries to listen, other noises seem to prevail.

They talk for a while and they laugh and smile. Shori looks at her but only for a few moments before he continues looking back down to his shoes. Marius watches them as well but more out of curiosity for his senior dating another girl than admiration for Shori himself and slowly but surely Sou loses himself in Shori’s beauty.

And then they both look up at each other and there’s a moment of silence. Shori blushes. Meiko leans her head closer to Shori. Shori doesn’t move. And then, like in slow motion, their heads suddenly turn closer and closer until only mere centimetres are left between their lips and then-

„Where are you going?“, Marius whispers when suddenly Sou gets up and runs towards the exit.

He doesn’t reply so Marius runs after him, leaving Shori and Meiko alone to themselves.

To his misfortune, Sou doesn’t see what happens afterwards.

As Meiko moves closer, Shori finally realises what is happening.

„...what are you doing?“, Shori asks her as he puts his hands on her shoulders and carefully shoves her back.

„Eh?“

„Look, there’s something important I need to tell you“, Shori starts, looking straight into her eyes. „I didn’t know as much about you as I thought so I wanted to give you a chance today but... the more time I spend with you the more I realise that you’re not the person who wrote that letter.“

„...what?“, Meiko spits out, looking sad and angry and disappointed all at once. „But I did write the letter!“

„You don’t sound like the person in the letter at all. But okay“, Shori says and pulls something out of his bag, a small notebook and a pen.

„Prove it to me. Write something down. I will recognise the handwriting.“

Meiko looks at him in defeat. This is it. Shori has known from the very beginning that something is off and he has waited for the right opportunity to call her out in a very polite manner. If it were really her, she would be able to do such a simple task, right?

„I guess even in a situation like this, you’re still thinking about that stupid letter...“, she says under her breath and her voice turns shaky.

„You don’t understand...“

„I don’t understand?“, her voice suddenly cracks as she gets up from her seat. „It’s always been like this. I hate how you always treat me like I’m a little child although I do the best I can!“

„I’m not saying that“, Shori replies calmly. „I don’t know why you have lied to me but I just want to end this before you get even more hurt.“

Shori tries, he really does. As the youngest child out of four siblings he has always seen Meiko as his little sister, he has always wanted one. Someone he can protect and take care of. But not in the same sense Meiko is picturing.

„I’m sorry“, Meiko says and bows in front of a surprised Shori. „I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and lying. I just wanted to stand on the same level as you, be seen in a perfect light by you.“

„It...It’s okay“, Shori says, not knowing what else to do. It’s not the first time he’s rejecting someone but it’s the first time it’s been this uncomfortable.

Shori hates doing this, but he simply cannot lie to himself.

Maybe he should have known that there’s nothing more dangerous than a girl with a broken heart.

 

\-----

 

Sou and Marius sit in a cafe in Akihabara together after they have left the aquarium. Sou just wanted to get as far away as possible but he figured he wouldn’t get far if he doesn’t fill his stomach and what’s better than stuffing your heartache with sugary cakes.

„What is it, Sou-chan?“, Marius keeps asking as Sou repeatedly pokes his cake with his fork, not really eating at all although they have paid for a cake buffet and melon soda.

Marius has eaten two pieces already and although he hungrily eyes Sou’s piece of strawberry cake in front of them he says he has to control himself because of his diet.

„Is it because of the girl?“, Marius asks again, trying to get an answer out of Sou. It’s not rare that Sou has a depressed episode but Marius has seriously never seen him this down.

„You’re not that far off this time“, Sou replies only and sighs.

„You like her, hm?“, Marius asks and although Sou obviously won’t reply to that, Marius can already figure out the answer.

„Well, with a competitor like Shori...“, Marius pretends like he thinks hard about it. He’s not really a good motivational speaker. „It’s a tricky situation.“

„What would you do in that type of situation?“, Sou says as he looks up and finally takes a bite of his fluffy cake. „Would you leave the person you like to be happy with someone else or would you fight for them?“

„I would definitely fight for them until the end and until they reject me properly“, Marius replies almost instantly.

„Why am I even asking you“, Sou sighs again and lets his head fall onto his forearms. It is pretty stupid to ask a seventeen-year-old high school kid, what does Marius know about his situation?

But maybe Sou behaves like a high school kid himself, he doesn’t have any experience at all anyways.

He sits there for a while with Marius and lets the younger distract him from his misery with stupid stories and jokes and hopes that he can forget about all this as soon as possible.

 

\-----

 

A new week begins. A new single announcement. A lot of new work.

Sou has to record a radio show with Shori that Monday afternoon. It’s the first time he doesn’t look forward to working alone with him.

When Shori enters the recording room in the office building and takes off his jacket, Sou looks for signs. Something had to change about Shori, he’s supposed to look happier, more smiley. But Shori looks like always.

He lets himself fall in the chair in front of Sou, greeting him with a simple „yo“. Sou wants to reply but he cannot form a single word.

„How was your weekend?“, Shori asks as he goes through the script in front of him. „Did you do anything else with Marius?“

„No, I was at home“, Sou replies simply, his hands nervously playing with the hem of his sweater. „What about you and Meiko?“

„What’s with Meiko?“ Shori looks up with the papers in his hands.

„Nothing. Why are you asking me? She’s yours.“

Shori raises an eyebrow. „We are-...“

„We should get started, shouldn’t we?“, Sou interrupts him, afraid of hearing the bitter truth. He doesn’t want to hear it from Shori’s lips. Not today. Not now when they are about to record, he cannot cry while recording.

„Hm, yes. We should concentrate on Qrzone and do our best now.“ Shori finally gives in and ends the conversation.

Sou is saved bc their radio host enters the room anyways and they can finally work. They record three sets of their show and although Sou has to pretend to joke around and let Shori tease him like usually as they follow the script, he tries his best not to let his emotions get in the way of work.

Luckily the session ends quicker than expected and Sou is free to leave for the day while Shori stays behind to record for something else.

Just as he leaves the office building heading for the train station, he hears a girl call out to him.

„Hey!“

He turns around and his heart drops into his gut. Meiko is the last person he wants to face at the moment.

„Shori is still working“, Sou replies coldly, thinking this is the solely reason why she’s here.

„I’m not here because of Shori“, she says with a serious face expression. Sou thinks she looks kind of scary when she isn’t smiling.

„I’m here because I need to talk to you.“

„What?“

She steps closer. „Can we go to a nearby cafe? I don’t want to talk here on the streets.“

„Why? I have no business with you.“

„Please“, she urges, pointing at the small local cafe across the street. „It won’t take long anyways.“

The nice soul that he is Sou eventually gives in, following her into the shop where they sit down at a table far in the back, away from curious glances.

Meiko orders a skinny latte and Sou just goes with a cup of water. He doesn’t intend on staying here for longer than needed anyways.

Sou sits in front of her uncomfortably, shifting in his seat. She on the other hand is able to maintain her composure without raising an eyebrow, piercing through Sou with her determined stare.

„I need to ask you a favour“, she says after the waitress has brought them their orders.

„Why me?“

„And I need to show you something“, she pulls out her phone and searches for something, then showing it to Sou in front of her.

Sou’s eyes widen. What he sees are pages of his personal notebook, the one he always carries around with him, even right now. On every page there is at least a single photo of Shori or of them together with little red and green hearts and cute animal stickers glued around them. Most of the photos are private taken by Sou or photos from photoshoots that weren’t used officially because Sou has asked for copies so they don’t go to waste.

Almost instantly Sou’s mind goes blank and his face heats up. He feels his heart clench up in his chest and he wants to vomit. This cannot be happening.

„On the day Shori took me to the set of that shoot, I was bored so I looked through your bag and I found this weird notebook sticking out. Suddenly everything made sense. I knew what it was all about.“

Sou looks down to his fingers, ashamed of himself.

„The one who wrote that mysterious love letter to Shori... was you.“

Sou looks up.

„How did you know I wrote the letter? Just because of a simple notebook?“

Meiko laughs in a degrading tone before she continues.

„I didn’t but you just confirmed it to me. You are so obvious. Then, when I found that notebook and took photos of it... I knew I was right. You’re not even denying it, right?“

Sou doesn’t know what to say, he feels like he’s caught red-handed because of his own stupidity. He’s a bad liar and there’s no excuse he can think of so fast to prove her wrong, nothing can save him, and Meiko keeps on manipulating him into thinking everything is his fault.

„I follow Shori’s schedules and what he does for a long time now“, Meiko says as she finally leans back into her chair. „I’ve always had the feeling that there was something odd between you two. You are always following him around, like you’re his accessory and something inside me didn’t like it. I guess girls have good senses when it comes to someone they love. I just had to count one plus one together and...“

„Love...“, Sou lets out a desperate laugh. He feels like he has just lost his entire dignity so why keep his good manners. „You’re an obsessed little girl in love with an idol.“

„And what are you then?“, she asks in a calm tone as she leans closer again. „Taking and collecting photos of Shori without his consent and putting them in a notebook like a creep... and who knows what else you do. Do you seriously think Shori would see you in a different light if he knew?“

Sou downs the entire glass in front of him in one gulp.

No, that’s not true.

Yes, it’s true.

Which is it? Why does he have to keep everything about his feelings for Shori a secret?

Right, maybe Shori will really think he’s a creep and distance himself if he knows. Maybe it’s the reality Sou has been running from all this time and instead has tried to stay in his little bubble, alone with his emotions, alone with his fantasies, with his perfect little world where Shori and him are a little bit more than best friends.

„...what do you want now?“, Sou asks with a shaky voice. Nothing has ever made him feel so scared before and there he is, being blackmailed by a high school girl.

„I want you to date me to make Shori jealous.“

Sou’s whole body stiffens.

„I don’t get it. Weren’t you on a date with Shori the other day? Didn’t you kiss him?“

She looks away and for the first time Sou sees insecurity written all over her face. „Sometimes things in life don’t go the way you want them to and you have to fight for them with all your might. That’s called love.“

 _Love, this word again_ , Sou thinks. _What does she know about love..._

„I know Shori far better than you. He will never fall for stupid shit like that.“

„That’s not for you to judge. I just need you to help me with that simple task, alright?“, she says and finally smiles again. „Deal?“

„Do I look like I have a choice?“, Sou says sarcastically.

„Then consider this our first date“, she smiles, taking a sip of her latte as she looks straight at Sou. „It will work out eventually. I have everything Shori wants.“

 _No, you don’t have a good heart,_ is what Sou wants to say but he remains silent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a ShoriSou story but the actual ShoriSou moments are just about to begin 8D

                                                              

 

 

Two weeks pass by like nothing. Sexy Zone’s schedule is so packed that Sou doesn’t even have time to breathe properly. Maybe it’s good in his situation, he doesn’t have to think about his worrisome relationship with Shori’s childhood friend Meiko.

He feels like a puppet stuck in a madhouse. Not because of the workload but because of the possibility that Meiko could text him any second, demand something odd, or appear in front of him and stress him out even more. Luckily even Meiko realises how busy the life of an idol is and she gives Sou space, enough to run from one appointment to the other, trying to blank everything out.

„Everything alright?“, Kento asks and pats Sou’s shoulder after he watches him stare at the white wall in front of him for a little too long.

Sou doesn’t even register the light touch on his back but when he sees Shori stare at him interrogatively from the other side of their dressing room while he’s slurping on ramen noodles, he finally pulls himself together.

„Yeah, why wouldn’t it be? I’m just tired“, Sou replies and shrugs his shoulders.

„Don’t forget to take a break when it gets too much“, Kento says with a wink before he walks back to sit at the table with Fuma and Shori to eat something for lunch.

Marius sits next to him scrolling his phone as he eats some kind of German chocolate bar and Sou realises his stomach is grumbling. He has skipped breakfast once again and didn’t bring anything so there’s no other way around than going downstairs to see what the cafeteria of the office building has to offer.

Sou just wants to walk to the door when someone knocks behind and it catches everyone’s attention.

„I’ll get it“, Sou mumbles and turns the door knob.

_Oh no._

Sou wants to shut the door close again instinctively but he’s met with a pair of arms wrapping around his torso and a face pushing against his chest.

„Sou!“, Meiko squeals in a high-pitched voice as she hugs him, making sure everyone’s eyes are on them. „I missed you.“

As she lets go to look into his face Sou blushes so hard he thinks he’s head is going to explode and he already knows everyone is going to think it’s for all the wrong reasons.

„I made a bento for you and I wanted to bring it to you to work so you can eat something healthy and nutritious“, she says, holding up a cute tote bag in front of him.

Sou just stares at her like he’s frozen on the spot and he’s thankful that he doesn’t have to see the member’s faces right now.

„Take it, no need to be shy“, she urges again and gently pushes the bag into Sou’s hands, touching him.

„...t-thank you“, Sou mumbles as quiet as possible. His stomach just grumbles a little more in response.

„You’re welcome. That’s all. See you later!“

And just like that the door closes again and Sou stands there with the little bag in his hands. Now he _has_ to turn around and face everyone and he already knows he’s going to be tackled by the members.

He decides to keep his eyes at the bag as he walks to the table everyone is sitting at eating their food and ignore everything that has just happened, pretending like it’s a completely normal thing.

„What was that?“, surprisingly it’s Marius who speaks up first, his mouth still wide open in shock.

„Nothing“, Sou replies while he takes the bento box out of the bag, carefully opening the lid as if something dangerous is going to jump out of it any second.

„That cute girl just brought you a self-made bento. Even I know what this means“, Marius says with way too much drama in his voice as he leans over the table to look at the bento box. „Your girlfriend?“

Fuma immediately starts choking on his noodles, half-laughing and half-trying not to die which just results in coughing his lungs out and Kento striking his back as if it’s going to be any help.

„I thought I’m going to die before Matsushima ever gets a girlfriend“, Fuma yelps after he finally catches his breath again, pointing his chopsticks at him.

„Well...“, Sou wants to defend himself but nothing clever comes to his mind.

„Seriously?“, Kento almost shouts and looks at Sou with sparkly eyes. „You’re not denying it?“

Sou just looks at him but it’s enough of a confirmation for Kento.

„Wow congratulations! I’m happy when one of us are happy too.“

„No, I can’t take this just like that“, Fuma complains with his mouth full again. „This doesn’t feel right at all. Impossible. How did you have time in between all this crazy appointments to find a girl willing to date you...?“

„Stop being jealous, Kikuchi“, Kento says with a laugh.

„It’s not like I’m that undesirable“, Sou says and throws an angry look at Fuma.

He rolls his eyes almost naturally, like he has imagined this situation a hundred times before. He did. But with Shori by his side. He has imagined and daydreamed about it so many times, about how it would feel like to be in a relationship. And now he’s almost there but everything is different than he imagined before. Reality is scarier than he thinks it would be.

„I didn’t want to say that. Hey, if you’re happy, I’m happy“, Fuma finally replies. „But still, take care. You know the rules.“

Sou knows Fuma means their agency rules of no dating and so on and actually he knows he’s fine as long as it stays hidden from the public, but just thinking of the consequences makes his skin crawl.

„We have your back, okay?“, Kento says and looks at everyone in the room. „Now I also get why you’ve looked so tired lately. It’s a lot of work being with a girl.“

„Oh look, the expert has spoken“, Fuma jokes. „How many girls did you have already, five...six? Oh wait, right, all of your fans are your girlfriends and that’s why you’ll never get rid of the dark circles under your eyes.“

Kento rolls his eyes and tries to push Fuma from across the table. Sou just lets them have their fun, he knows they will calm down by themselves eventually, so he takes off the lid of the bento box completely and finally looks at the food.

It’s rice with chicken meat and scrambled eggs with a few vegetables on the side but it’s so cutely decorated and the carrot is cut in a heart shape, Sou grins a little to himself, thinking about how this is what it must feel like when you date.

„Wow, that looks so good“, Marius notices and Sou can almost hear his stomach grumble too. „I’m a little jealous. Although I always thought that for some reason Shori would be the first one to officially have a girlfriend.“

Suddenly Sou realises what Meiko has made him is Shori’s favourite dish and more importantly, Shori hasn’t said a single word so far even though knowing him Sou is very sure he has a lot of questions he wants to ask.

Sou looks to his direction and Shori is indeed staring, his eyes are piercing through him, judging him, he almost looks a little scary with his furrowed brows and crossed arms.

„Dating is not all about looks, Marius“, Kento interrupts and he continues to instruct Marius but Sou blocks everything he says out.

Shori and him exchange some questioning looks before Shori sighs and goes back to eating his food, at the same time as Sou finally picks up the chopsticks and takes the first bite.

Usually he understands Shori without any words. He just needs to look at him and he knows he’s angry, or sad, or happy. They just have that vibe with each other. Sou wonders if Shori has already seen through him because he isn’t able to read his emotions right now at all.

Sou tries to gulp down every single one of his worries with each bite he takes, trying his best not to think about his current situation. Shori seems to concentrate on his own food too, trying to not make any eye-contact with Sou.

Marius and Kento still chatter with each other about how complicated and time-consuming dating is and Fuma throws in some cocky remarks here and there as Shori and Sou eat in silence.

Eventually their lunch break is almost over and Sou knows they will have another six hours of recording and filming for their new album so he stretches his arms, mentally preparing himself.

Kento and Fuma get up from the table first, probably to throw away their trash outside of the room and go wash their hands as they’re now talking about something else completely, something about some tv show they have both watched. Marius follows soon after, he says he forgot his earphones in one of the rooms downstairs and is going to look for them because they are really expensive.

Then it is only Shori and him left in the room and Sou can feel the tension in the air instantly as the door falls close behind Marius. He picks around the bento box with his chopsticks, in hope Shori is going to excuse himself as well and leave him alone.

„Okay, what in the world is going on Sou?!“, Shori questions with disappointment and anger in his voice. „What’s really going on between you and Meiko all of a sudden?“

Sou has prepared himself for this question.

„Well, things have just happened while we were hanging out together. I like her.“

Sou keeps looking down at the bento box, unable to look Shori in the eyes and lie. He doesn’t like lying to Shori at all, not this way at least. The guilt immediately rushes through his system and he wishes he would disappear.

„How long do you know her even? A few weeks? A month?“, Shori asks again.

„Sometimes things don’t need time and you just know right away.“

_Like, when I first met you._

„I just don’t get it!“, Shori yells suddenly as he gets up and slams his fist on the table to support his body. This is the moment Sou looks up and he is surprised about the expression on Shori’s face. He has never seen it before nor did Shori ever raise his voice at him like that.

„Why are you getting angry?“, Sou asks with concern in his voice. He knows Shori has temper but he doesn’t understand it at all.

„I don’t get why you’re dating _her_...“

Sou stops for a second before he continues and instead of hurt he comes off rather annoyed. „Is it really that unbelievable that someone can genuinely be interested in _me_?“

„You don’t get it. I don’t get it. I know you and I know Meiko and she’s not your type at all“, Shori explains.

„Oh yeah, then what is my type?“, Sou retorts in a mocking tone.

Shori keeps silent. It’s a topic they never really talked about with each other, of course Shori won’t know. And Sou would never really tell the truth.

„See, you don’t know. So don’t act like you do.“ Sou finally gets up and walks to the door when Shori runs after him and grabs his wrist, stopping him from going.

It seems unusual for Shori to do something like this but he’s the one taking the initiative when no one is looking actually. He’s the one that makes Sou’s heart beat like crazy and his mind run wild with a simple touch like this.

„Sou, wait“, Shori tightens his grip when Sou turns around to look him in the eyes, seeing a familiar calmness overcome him. „You don’t know her, she’s not a good person. You’re too good for her.“

_Freaking Shori with his stupid perfect words and his stupid perfect face and-_

„Let it be“, Sou mumbles and breaks free from Shori’s grip. Honestly, he wants to curl up in a corner and cry so he opens the door hastily and starts walking away quickly, unsure of where he’s even going.

Here goes another day of pretending like everything is okay between him and Shori.

 

~~~~~

  
It’s not like Shori and Sou stop talking completely. At least in front of the whole group they try to pull themselves together, so that the rest doesn’t get worried in a stressful time like this.

Sou is surprised about how Meiko leaves him alone for most of the time too. She drops by the office a few times here and then, bringing Sou food (which he is kind of happy about since he doesn’t have to spend money on it) and they chat a little in front of Shori and the others, playing the young cute couple, Meiko occasionally touching him sweetly and laughing at whatever Sou says although he’s sure he’s only talking gibberish.

Sou wonders if Meiko’s plan is actually working since he cannot stop feeling Shori’s eyes pierce through him every time, although Shori seems to be oblivious of it.

It’s early December when Sexy Zone have to prepare a performance for the annual FNS music festival. As always time flies.

For some reason, although Sou thinks Shori is still mad at him he feels like Shori is unconsciously getting closer. With subtle touches and short stares and all of those aren’t even that special for Sou since he knows Shori can be affectionate off camera, however somehow he feels like those moments are increasing.

Their performance is starting in about 20 minutes. Everyone is scattered somewhere. Kento is talking to one of their make-up artists by the door. Fuma is falling asleep as he’s getting his hair fixed. Marius is looking for something in his bag next to the couch.

Sou sits next to Shori in front of their large vanity table, playing with his phone. He smiles at a cute puppy picture his sister just sent him. Everyone else must think he’s texting his „girlfriend“.

„Hey, instead of smiling at your phone like a fool you could make yourself useful“, Shori says as he leans back into his chair, an attempt to get Sou’s attention.

Sou looks up to him in the mirror and their eyes meet.

„What?“, Sou asks casually and it comes off more annoyed than he actually is.

„Since you’re good at drawing and writing, you should draw the two letters on my left arm“, Shori says as he pulls up his jacket’s sleeve to his ellbow.

Since they’re performing a One Piece song the show producers thought it would be a clever idea to write letters on each member’s arms so when they’re standing next to each other on stage with their backs faced to the audience, it would spell „Merry Xmas!“, wishing their fans nice holidays in advance. The picture would be the same as the famous picture with the One Piece characters.

„Didn’t you ask your make-up artist to do it for you?“, Sou asks and Shori instantly shakes his head. „Well, the letters should be on your left arm and you’re right-handed so I don’t see the problem here.“

„I want you to do it“, Shori answers instead. „Please.“

Shori has those moments when he really wants something and he won’t let it fall through until he gets it. Even if it’s an odd request sometimes. Sou thinks Shori gets some kind of kick out of it, making people do things for him. And Sou falls for him every single time.

„Fine“, Sou finally gives in and Shori moves his chair closer, not having expected anything else. Sou isn’t really good at refusing Shori’s wishes anyways.

Shori stretches his arm out in front of Sou and hands him the black make-up pen. Their shoulders touch as Shori puts his arm out on the vanity table and he doesn’t flinch when Sou touches him. He can feel Shori’s warmth.

He doesn’t dare looking up because he can feel Shori’s breath right next to his face, so he takes the pen into his right hand and grasps Shori’s wrist with the other to hold his forearm in place.

Sou touches the skin around Shori’s wrist. He wishes he can trace the moles on Shori’s arm, his veins that are visible through the thin layer of skin, until he reaches his hand. He wants to intertwine his fingers with Shori’s and hold his hand without others making them do so or interrupting them.

He can feel Shori’s pulse and holds him a little tighter as the pen finally meets Shori’s skin and he begins drawing.

_How I wish my heartbeat would tell you everything I feel. Because words cannot. They never will._

Suddenly Sou remembers that one sentence he has written in Shori’s letter. Now that he’s thinking about it, Shori hasn’t mentioned anything about it the past couple weeks. He probably gave up looking for the author. Maybe Sou is making all of this more important than it actually is.

„Sou?“, Shori asks abruptly, „that tickles.“

„Sorry. I’m almost done“, Sou replies and bites his tongue, something he always does when he concentrates.

When Sou finishes drawing the letters E and R in a pretty font on Shori’s arm he finally lets go and puts the pen on the side of the table. He looks up to Shori and the older is staring at him, his face only mere centimetres away.

Sou stops for a second, he doesn’t remember the last time he had the chance to be that close to him. His heartbeat suddenly speeds up and he gulps. If only he slips right now, his lips could meet Shori’s.

In Sou’s eyes Shori is the literal definition of picture-perfect.

„Sou, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?“, Shori says with concern in his voice and his eyes tell him _speak to me Sou_ and as much as Sou wants to trust those warm pair of eyes, his fear gets ahold of him.

Sou wants to move his chair back when Shori grabs his wrist instead and pulls him into his chest.

Shori engulfs him in a hug and Sou can hear his own heartbeat pound against Shori’s chest so loud that he has no chance of feeling Shori’s. His face immediately turns red as he’s pressing it against Shori's shoulders and although he has hugged Shori a million times before he’s frozen on the spot, surprised at Shori’s ministrations.

It is always the other way around. Shori is good with words but not with physical affection, always keeping his distance as if touching Sou would ignite something foreign in him. This time he is the one to hug Sou, wrapping his arms around Sou’s upper body so tightly Sou thinks he’s going to explode from emotions.

„Shori-...“, he whispers, wanting to say something.

He takes Shori’s scent in, smells his icy cologne before but then they are interrupted.

„What are you still doing here, we’re going live in like... five minutes?“, Kento says pointing at a clock hanging on the wall above them and they let go of each other instantly. „Everyone is waiting for you guys.“

„We’re ready“, Shori says and clears his throat after he immediately lets go of Sou, playing it off as a simple friendly gesture. „Right, Matsushima?“

„Yup“, Sou mumbles and straightens the little folds in his clothes with the palms of his hands.

Kento throws them a _please-hurry-up-now_ face before he exits the room and the door shuts close behind him.

Shori grabs a water bottle from the table next to them and takes a gulp before he walks to the door as well, throwing a glance at Sou.

„Are you coming?“, he smiles at him. „Let’s do our best.“

Sou smiles back. Maybe sometimes he doesn’t have to think about irrelevant things.

 _Words will never explain the feelings I hold for you. One day, maybe one day, somehow those feelings of mine will reach you._  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

                                                         

 

 

Words will never explain the thrill of standing on stage and performing. Definitely. Sou thinks about that every time he leaves the stage.

Singing, dancing, entertaining. Doing the things he loves the most. Sou feels so lucky he is able to experience all of that over and over again. Every time he gets to perform he realises how nothing in the world can describe that feeling.

There’s only one thing that tops it and that is someone sharing that exact same feeling with you.

„Knock knock!“, a female voice shrills from the other side of the door.

Sou looks up from his mobile. He has just unbuttoned the topmost buttons of his shirt and made himself comfortable on the couch in the dressing room while the other members are celebrating with other groups backstage. Sou has said he will join them in a little, he just wanted to call his dad to hear his opinion about the show.

Meiko opens the door ajar and peeks inside, when she spots Sou alone on the couch she welcomes herself in, a bouquet of flowers in her hands.

„How are you always everywhere?“, Sou asks with a tone of sarcasm in his voice. _Don’t you have your own life to live_ , he thinks but decides it’s better to not upset her.

„Well, my boyfriend just outperformed himself on national television, wouldn’t it just be normal for me to congratulate him?“

„Too bad Shori isn’t here right now so no need to pretend. I know how much you want to give those flowers to him, not me“, Sou says and points at the colourful roses in Meiko’s hands.

„I thought idols are good at acting but you’re a pretty bad actor“, Meiko retorts with a pout as she walks over to Sou to sit on the couch next to him with enough distance between them.

„Why don’t you become an idol then?“, Sou asks, half-joking.

„Don’t be-...“

Meiko stops herself when she hears footsteps in front of the dressing room. And something else. Shori’s laugh and his voice, right on the other side of the door. Sou hears Shori put his hand on the doorknob.

„Maybe you’re right“, Meiko whispers and suddenly Sou hears the bouquet fall to the floor and while he’s distracted by it for a second Meiko takes the chance to climb the couch and straddle Sou.

Sou cannot move from shock, unable to process what is going on and then everything happens so fast.

One second he feels Meiko move onto his lap, her mini-skirt slightly sliding up as she spreads her legs. Two seconds and she takes Sou’s hands and puts them on her chest. Three seconds and she grabs Sou’s face to tilt it to the side.

At the fourth second Sou would have pushed her away. He hears the door fly open but he cannot see the expression on Shori’s face upon seeing them in that position.

Five seconds and Meiko presses her lips against Sou’s, just like that. It’s only a mere second but for Sou it feels like eternity. Her lips are incredibly soft and taste like cherries and this is probably every guy’s dream but Sou’s.

So this is what kissing feels like. Sou has never imagined his first kiss to be like this. Forceful and unexpected and most importantly with someone he doesn’t love.

No, this is not what it’s supposed to feel like. It’s not like in the movies. It doesn’t make butterflies flutter in his stomach. It’s not-

„What the hell are you doing?!“

It’s not with Shori.

Meiko lets go before Sou can realise what’s truly happening and push her off. She turns around and climbs down from Sou’s lap to sit on the couch again and now Sou can see Shori stand in front of them, looking anything but happy.

He almost looks like he is hurt.

„Ah, I’m sorry... I thought we were by ourselves“, Meiko says shyly and suddenly Sou is disgusted with himself.

He notices his shirt is half unbuttoned and as an bystander it must have looked very odd seeing him in a clear situation like this.

„It’s not what it looks like“, Sou says instantly but realises as soon as the words leave his lips everything sounds like a cheap excuse. He won’t even blame Shori if he doesn’t want to touch him ever again now.

However, Sou still cannot comprehend what is going on when Shori ignores Meiko completely and walks up to Sou instead, grabs him by the wrist and drags him out of the room in quick steps.

Sou can barely keep up with his pace and when he tries escaping, Shori’s grip only tightens more.

Only when they enter the men’s bathroom at the end of the corridor Shori finally lets go. They’re completely by themselves and they both know Meiko won’t be able to follow them inside here.

„You’re lucky I was the one entering our dressing room and not one of the staff members“, Shori scoffs. „What do you think you’re doing at work?!“

„Oh, so _that’s_ what you’re worried about“, Sou rolls his eyes and he cannot hide the hurt in his voice. For one second he was hoping Shori is worried for his wellbeing and not him breaking agency rules.

„What’s wrong with you lately? That’s not like you at all!“, Shori yells.

„Why are you getting so upset, that’s not like you either?!“, Sou yells back, his voice already shaking. „You’re not the type to meddle in other people’s affairs, so why the concern all of a sudden?“

„You’re not other people, you’re Sou!“

Shori steps closer and Sou steps back in fear and confusion until his back meets the cold bathroom wall and Shori slams his fist right next to his face. He has never seen so much anger in Shori’s eyes.

Sou feels tears form at the corners of his eyes. He doesn’t want Shori to be infuriated because of him.

„If you want _it_ so much then you can also just do it with me!“, Shori tells him and suddenly he feels a pair of hands on the collar of his white shirt.

Sou doesn’t really understand Shori’s words nor the situation he’s in and he imagines so many outcomes to this current conversation but he surely does not expect Shori to close his eyes and kiss him.

Shori’s lips on his and it is all Sou has ever wished to do, kiss Shori. Feel the softness of his lips, taste the familiarity of Shori’s mint gums, smell his scent of mixed sweat and cologne.

Although Shori pushes himself against Sou roughly, Sou closes his eyes and kisses back for the first time. It feels better than everything he has ever imagined before. Indescribable.

Sou grabs Shori’s arms and digs his fingers into him to make sure this is really Shori and he’s not dreaming. Shori is kissing him and Sou feels butterflies flutter in his stomach, there’s so many of them he feels like his body will burst from happiness.

But something is too much. Not right.

And then it hits him. The doubts. Reality. Shori’s words.

What even is happening? This is not what he truly wants.

When Shori tries pushing his tongue in is when Sou realises something is wrong. This is not love.

Sou releases his grip and pushes Shori away from him, so hard that the taller almost tumbles and falls to the floor but he manages to support himself on one of the sinks.

They stare at each other for a second and for the first time Sou cannot read the atmosphere between them. Nor the look in Shori’s eyes.

„Is that what I am for everyone, just someone to toy with?!“, Sou exclaims with tears in his eyes.

„And I thought I can trust you because you’re my best friend. You’re the worst!“

Before Shori can explain himself Sou storms out of the bathroom because he really doesn’t want to cry in front of Shori in a situation like this. He doesn’t even want to cry but everything is just too much currently.

He doesn’t want to attend any after show parties or go have fun with the members. He just wants to go home and burry himself in his bed and cry his eyes out and never get up again.

Today Sou thinks is the day he has gotten the answer to his letter and it’s something he hasn’t even thought about before. A worst case scenario. _Maybe being rejected would have hurt less_ , he thinks.

Sou’s head feels like exploding. Maybe he doesn’t understand anything anymore.

 

~~~~~

 

Shori still catches his breath in the men’s bathroom, now facing the mirror in front of him.

There’s no use in running after Sou, he knows, once he gets to that point he’s too emotional to think rationally. And Shori isn’t sure how he is going to explain this either.

He doesn’t even know how to explain that to himself. He doesn’t know what has gotten into him. But seeing Sou in a situation like that with Meiko... it just made him so furious that he saw red.

„Why are you so stupid!?“, Shori curses to himself after splashing his face with cold tap water.

He takes one deep breath before he recollects himself and walks outside the bathroom where he’s met with a worried looking Kento.

A worried and nagging mother-figure like Kento, that’s exactly what he needs right now and Shori already rolls his eyes internally.

„Shori, what did you do?“, Kento asks instantly, „Sou came out crying.“

„Nothing“, Shori replies in hope Kento will let him off the hook this time.

„It’s not nothing if it happens at our workplace“, Kento retorts and now Shori rolls his eyes for real.

„Look, it’s... We just had a miscommunication. I’ll get it straight“, Shori says quickly.

„I hope so. You two are both behaving very strange lately.“

Kento is right. Shori has felt it ever since he received that mysterious letter. Almost like it created a chain reaction of inconvenient events. The letter still hasn’t left his mind.

That night Shori drives home with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much drama huh. Up until now the story was really Sou-centric and I didn't write much about Shori's feelings, I want to change that in the following chapters and get a little more into Shori's point of view.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will they dooooo

 

 

_It’s sunny around him. Shori opens his eyes._

_He finds himself sitting on a chair, naked, in the middle of nowhere. White walls around him, a white ceiling above and a white floor beneath. How does he not fall through? Is there a gravity? There’s nothing but him and the void._

_Shori looks around. He tries to get up but although he is not bound to the chair he cannot move his limbs to get up. It’s not like he knows where to run to anyways. There’s no point in doing that._

_„Shori.“ A familiar voice is calling him, it almost sounds angelic to his ears._

_„Shori.“ It’s Sou’s voice._

_Before Shori can open his mouth and reply he feels a pair of hands touch him from behind, arms put around his shoulders._

_Suddenly he finds himself in Sou’s room. He can see his bed on the left side and his book shelf on the right. The familiar Harry Potter posters are stuck to the wall. He feels a little better knowing he’s somewhere he knows._

_„Shori.“ Now he feels Sou breathe on his neck and he flinches. He moves his head to the side and sees Sou’s face right next to him. Sou’s strands of hair tickle his cheeks._

_„What?“, Shori asks. He wants to get up and face Sou properly, touch him, ask him what he’s doing here. He’s not supposed to be here right now. But he still cannot move._

_„Aren’t you tired of running away?“, Sou says in a monotone voice. It’s like he has no emotions._

_„Eh? I’m not running away“, Shori answers and then he feels Sou’s lips on his neck._

_Sou’s lips on his skin feel like a burning fire. Like Sou is marking him in the most painful way and the more Shori tries to get away the more painful it feels. He starts to breathe heavily and sweat runs down the side of his face. Sou only leaves more kisses, going from his neck to right under his earlobe, nibbling on the sensitive skin._

_The kisses move from there to Shori’s jawline. Slow but long and painful, igniting a familiar emotion within Shori. He moves upwards and the last kiss lands on Shori’s stinging cheek. Every kiss like a razor’s blade._

_Every kiss like a sting through his heart._

_„You know that lying is bad, right?“, Sou says and slowly but surely Shori is getting scared of him._

_This is not Sou, he tries to tell himself and keep his calm._

_„I’m not!“_

_„Your body gives you away.“_

_And suddenly Sou’s hands move downwards. The graze of Sou’s fingertips feels like eternity and yet Shori feels like every inch of his body is able to sense it, crave it, almost wishes it would be a little rougher, a little more intensive. He heaves a sigh and his chest moves rapidly._

_Sou’s hands move down to under his navel, Shori feels them just around his pelvis. If he were able to move he would now buck his hips up in hope for a little more._

_A little more friction, a little more love._

_Shori wishes he had a little more control over his dreams at least, if he’s already caught in the middle of this mess._

_One of Sou’s hands engulf him whole and Shori releases a whimper, biting onto his lips as Sou starts moving, slow but steady, exactly like Shori imagines it. Quicker with every second, every minute. He never realised how Sou’s hands really feel on his body, what they could do, what Sou could do if only he allowed it._

_Shori rides on the high, he never wants it to end. If only he can hold on for a little longer._

_He throws his head back, wishing he could feel the sinful feeling of Sou’s lips on his skin again. A little more, a little longer. Give it to me._

_„What do you want, Shori?“_

_„Give it to me.“_

_„For that you need to let go.“_

_The hand movements become faster. Shori loses himself. It’s almost like he’s in that void again, with nothing around him._

_„Let it go.“_

_He sees white._

~~~~

Shori opens his eyes again and starts up from his sleep with a yelp.

He’s in his own bedroom of course, the curtains are drawn and the morning sun is illuminating his room through the thin fabric. Instinctively he reaches for his mobile on the nightstand next to him and he looks at the time. It’s 8AM.

He has a day off today so he can sleep in but it’s not that easy when he gets troubled with dreams like this. He looks down to his blanket and moans in annoyance when he notices the wet spot near his crotch area.

_Not again._

He just lies on his back again for a couple of minutes before he decides it’s not a good time to go back to sleep, especially not after yesterday’s events. He has so many things going around in his mind and he knows he won’t have his peace until he gets rid of all his worries.

After getting up and changing into a fresh pair of boxers, he picks up one of his sweat pants from the office chair and gets dressed before he changes his duvet cover and makes his bed.

He yawns, looking at his phone again. Before he can think of anything negative and deem himself as disgusting, he decides to call Sou, pressing his mobile phone to his ears.

It rings the first time but Sou rejects his call. When he calls again right after Sou’s phone is turned off.

_Oh, great._

Then he writes Sou a text message over Line.

From: _Shori_  
To: _Sou_  
_Hey, please call me. We need to talk._

He hits send. Then contemplates if he should add a fitting sticker to the message since Sou really likes using those. Decides it’s probably better if not since he never uses them anyways.

Shori walks downstairs to the living room and kitchen area of the house. He’s alone at home, like most of the times. Only Key-chan, his pet parakeet, greets him with a good morning tune.

„Good morning, Key-chan“, Shori says as he walks up to the little bird in his cage and sticks his finger through the bars, Key-chan nibbling on them as a form of greeting. „Are you hungry?“

Key-chan only chirps in response and Shori gets out a box of bird seeds from underneath the cage to give him some of them. However after he feeds his pet, the bird still seems to chirp very enthusiastically.

„I know, I’m not in my best condition today“, Shori says as if he knows exactly what Key-chan has asked him in bird language.

„You may think I’m the type who doesn’t have any problems because he solves them right away. Well, most of the time I do, actually.“

Key-chan chirps again and Shori continues his monologue.

„This time it’s complicated. It isn’t easy to solve because the problem includes another person who means a lot to me. It’s too complicated.“

_Chirp chirp._

„What did you say? Ah right, you can’t know since you don’t have any bird friends here. But it really isn’t easy. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated?“

Shori sits on one of the kitchen stools by the kitchen counter as he grabs a piece of toast from the bread tin to spread strawberry marmalade on it for a quick breakfast.

The more he stares at his toast the more he realises he has been having these type of dreams more often lately, and they’re all about Sou. Like he has cast a magic spell on him.

Although he has tried to avoid physical contact with him, in hope it will stop, he finds himself longing for it more than ever.

 _Stupid hormones. Being an idol sometimes is really hard_ , Shori thinks to himself and simply blames his profession and his youthful body on all his worries.

He feels happy when he is with Sou and sees him smiling. He feels sad when Sou is sad. He feels angry when someone says something mean to Sou. He also feels sad when someone else is with Sou instead. Shori has noticed all of these feelings lately when he sits down and thinks about it properly. He has felt it for so long that he doesn’t even remember exactly when it all started. It has just become completely natural to him.

„Why are feelings like this? Maybe I should have studied psychology after all“, Shori says to no one in particular as he bites into his toast.

He keeps looking at his mobile. No answer from Sou yet. As far as he knows him, Shori won’t get around going to his house personally to talk to him. Sou isn’t the type to be angry for a long time and he forgives quickly but this time Shori knows he did something incredibly stupid and if he were Sou he would hate himself for it. So an apology in person is the least he can do.

Before heading down to Sou’s house Shori decides it is the best to take a shower first and maybe put on a nicer set of clothes than sweat pants and his old pyjama t-shirt.

 

~~~~~

 

It’s a little before noon when Shori stands in front of Sou’s house ringing his door bell. As expected, Sou doesn’t open the door for him although Shori knows exactly that he’s at home. Usually when Sou goes out he brings all of his sneakers inside but right now he sees a pair lying next to the flower pot near the entrance door.

Shori rings again. No answer.

He sighs. Then he knocks at the door. „Sou, please! It’s me. Can you open the door, please?“

When Sou still doesn’t reply Shori decides he should look around the house for an open window, sometimes Sou leaves one open, but before he can do that Sou finally opens the door in a swift but powerful motion.

„You’re disturbing the neighbourhood with all the ringing. What do you want?“, Sou says and Shori blushes, remembering the dream from today morning and how different and more appealing Sou’s voice sounds in reality.

„Can I come in?“

Sou moves aside, he doesn’t want to have this conversation in public just as much as Shori doesn’t want it. Shori wants to take off his shoes at the entrance but Sou interrupts him as soon as he closes the door behind him.

„I’m sorry“, Shori says, wanting to get it out of his system as quick as possible. „I’m sorry and I apologise for what I’ve said and done. I swear the last thing on my mind was to hurt you.“

„Okay“, Sou answers and Shori isn’t sure if he accepts his apology or not.

„I really didn’t know what I was doing... Seeing you and Meiko just made me so angry.“

„So it’s about Meiko again“, Sou mumbles to himself, almost inaudible for Shori.

„I’m really sorry again for hurting you. Maybe it would be better if... I don’t know, we just don’t see each other that often anymore? Just for a while. I mean, in private at least.“

_This way I won’t be able to hurt you._

„Are you serious?“, Sou looks at him as if Shori just insulted him in the worst way possible, stabbed him in the chest and kicked him to the floor.

„If you only came here to say that then you can also just fuck off.“

„Sou...!“, Shori wants to defend himself but Sou is already pushing him out of the door again.

„Leave. Goodbye!“

And just like that Shori stands in front of closed doors again.

 

~~~~~

  
Sou manages to ignore Shori the whole next working day. They are called in for a group photoshoot to promote their album, Sou and Shori both know this is what’s awaiting them for the next couple of weeks.

Doing work as a group is just as tiring as solo work, there is not much time to fool around although they always get tempted, but at least they know that there are four other people around them who go through the same emotions and stress right now.

Shori tries to catch Sou’s attention through eye contact, he throws little glances at him here and there but Sou doesn’t return any of them. Instead he just moves away every time Shori gets a little too close to him and he tries to stay by Marius’ side as much as possible.

The other three members notice their strange, distant behaviour but are too busy to comment or ask, although Sou is sure sooner or later one of them will bring it up.

„Good, good, just like that“, the photographer says as they’re doing cool poses in front of a simple white background. Shori as centre is in the middle while Fuma and Kento are on his side and Marius is next to Fuma and Sou next to Kento.

„Now can Nakajima and Matsushima switch places, please? I want a different formation for the next few pictures“, the man says as he puts his heavy camera down.

Kento obeys and Sou lets out a sigh before he takes Shori’s side. He crosses his arms, in hope he looks casual and cool but it comes off rather annoying.

„No, that doesn’t feel right. Matsushima, can you try leaning your arm on Sato’s shoulder, please? Thank you!“

Sou does what he’s told, not with much enthusiasm though, so it’s easily noticed by others. Shori only smiles through gritted teeth as well, it’s not his usual sunshine smile.

„Something still feels wrong! Sato, Matsushima, you’re both lacking.“

„Why is it now my fault if Matsushima doesn’t do it right?“, Shori says in a mumble but Sou hears it very clearly.

„Huh?! He said you’re lacking too!“

„Matsushima!“, their manager yells from the side of the set, looking anything but pleased. They have almost forgotten they are watched by her strict hawk eyes.

Sou bites his tongue and swallows.

„It’s okay, we have many possibilities. Let’s rearrange it“, the photographer says in a calmer tone. „Matsushima, please go on Sato’s right side and stand slightly sidewards, your back facing him with your arms casually by your side.“

Sou listens and Shori gets into position as well. Everyone looks at the camera again trying their best cool poses.

The shoot takes another half an hour before they’re finished with the first part. It’s lunch break, and Shori stretches his limbs before he walks to the direction opposite of Sou.

„Idiot“, Sou curses as he watches him walk away.

„Hey Macchan“, an all too familiar voice calls him by his nickname and when Sou turns around Kento is standing right in front of him. „Wanna eat lunch with me? I have some extra sandwiches with me and some tea.“

Sou nods politely, maybe distraction will help him calm down again, so he follows Kento to wherever he wants to eat lunch.

They end up sitting one floor lower on the steps of the building’s staircase with no one around them. Silence engulfs them and Kento hands Sou his sandwich made of tuna and salad and Sou takes a while before he bites into it. Actually he doesn’t feel like eating at all.

„You and Shori fight a lot lately, hm?“, Kento says to his sandwich as he chews. „That’s so unusual.“

Sou only sighs in response. _Where should I even start?_

„I know, by the way“, Kento throws in before Sou can say anything. „About your feelings for Shori.“

Sou almost drops his entire sandwich and instantly turns his head to Kento. He can feel his face heat up from blushing so much he thinks he looks redder than the tomato slice that just fell out from his sandwich.

„Don’t look at me so shocked!“, Kento says with a friendly laugh. „You guys are so obvious. I think everyone around you noticed.“

It’s silent for a good minute or two before Sou finally opens his mouth to talk.

„...how come Shori didn’t notice then?“, Sou says so quietly he’s not sure if Kento even understands.

Kento turns back to look in front of him so that Sou doesn’t feel too uncomfortable, focusing on no spot in particular as he continues.

„I think Shori is too busy with his own feelings to realise things around him.“

„That doesn’t sound like him at all“, Sou says, thinking about how easily Shori sees through everyone including himself. „And even if it’s like that, he can at least control himself from doing dumb shit.“

„Well, Shori builds a wall around him when he’s scared. He’s scared and confused by his body reacting a certain way when he’s around you but he doesn’t want to realise that that’s also part of love.“

„Kento, no“, Sou throws in immediately, unsure of where Kento is going with all of this. He feels like he is a teenager all over again talking to a parent figure about unpleasant topics. Sou doesn’t even want to know how Kento knows all of these details.

„Shori forces himself to be so mature but he’s not that good at hiding his feelings. Remember when we had to film that cooking video for our fifth anniversary and Shori kept eating away your food? That’s because he didn’t want anyone else to try your delicious cooking and he wanted to have it all to himself.“

„...I’m not that good of a cook and Shori just eats a lot, he’d eat an elephant if he could.“

„Or remember when we were in Hawaii and we went to that waterslide and Shori kept pushing you into the water, or when he tried to scare you from behind while I was resting with you guys?“

„Yeah, that’s because Shori’s a sadistic prick sometimes.“

„That’s because he wanted your attention on him only. He’s just that type of guy“, Kento tells him all flustered and Sou wonders how Kento was able to hold all of his exctiment in for this long.

Sou wants to believe that Kento is right. That all of Shori’s behaviour has a reason. That he can still trust in Shori after all this time.

He thinks about all the time they spent together. The good and the bad times. Sure Shori can be moody and a little mean but all of his behaviour has a good cause. It’s because Sou knows Shori has a kind soul. Sou smiles to himself thinking about it.

„He’s really like a child sometimes. And he gets angry so quickly“, Sou adds and crosses his arms, looking at the floor beneath his outstretched feet.

„He suffers by himself so that no one else has to worry. He’d never waste any words on something that would cause inconvenience to others“, Kento continues and Sou almost thinks Kento is a little bit in love with Shori as well.

„Yep, and he’s mean and only teases me all the time“, Sou retorts, taking a deep breath before he finally says it. „But that’s exactly why he’s so loveable.“

Kento turns around to face him again, this time with a really earnest face expression and stern eyes.

„You have to confess.“

Sou doesn’t reply to that.

They just sit together for a while longer, eating their sandwiches. Sou smiles as he bites into it, enjoying Kento’s silent presence. It’s been a while since he has been able to talk to someone like that.

„Well, let’s go out together later after the individual shootings“, Kento proposes shortly before their lunch break is about to end. „I think it will be good to get your mind off things, don’t you think? We can meet up in the dressing room downstairs before we decide where to go...“

„Yes, sure. I’ll be happy to spend some time with you“, Sou says happily. Although Kento hasn’t solved any of his problems he still feels a little better.

Kento stands up and stretches his hand out to help Sou get up from the stairs he’s sitting on.

„Then let’s do our best for the rest of the day.“

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

                                                                 

 

 

 

When Sou enters the dressing room to meet up with Kento, he finds himself looking at Shori who sits on one of the metal chairs by the table, his coat and bag ready to go in front of him.

„What are _you_ still doing here?“, Shori asks after Sou closes the door behind him.

„Waiting for Kento, we’re _going out_ “, Sou replies and stresses the last part of his sentence in hope this will make Shori feel a tad jealous. „But I should be the one asking you that.“

„I’m waiting for Fuma, we’re going out as well-...“, before Shori is able to finish his sentence, they hear the door lock from the other side. Shori’s eyes widen and Sou’s jaw drops. Immediately Sou walks up to the door again to turn the doorknob but to no avail.

„Hello! Who just locked us in?!“, Sou yells at the door while he jolts the knob and leans his ear against the wooden surface.

„Sexy sorry!“, he hears Kento yell from the other side and Fuma snicker somewhere nearby. „But we didn’t have any better idea to make you guys talk with each other. We won’t let you out of there until you’ve settled your problems. Bye!“

Sou can hear Kento walk away from the door and he tries to convince them both from the top of his lungs to let them out because this is completely pointless but his efforts turn out to be unsuccessful.

After banging at the door for good two minutes and Shori rolling his eyes at him from the background Sou finally gives up, realising he won’t be able to do anything to get himself out of his current situation.

„Great, now I’m going to starve here“, Shori says as he leans back into his chair, looking at the ceiling above them. He tries to lift up the mood but it just pisses Sou off even more.

„Lunch break was literally an hour ago“, Sou remarks instantly.

„I’m still hungry! And now I have to be here locked in a room with you for no reason, this is bullshit.“

„After all the shit you’ve done you shouldn’t be surprised.“

„I already apologised, why are you still so stubborn about it?!“

„Who’s stubborn here?! Do I really need to say it out loud for you to understand?!“ Sou’s anger builds up. He doesn’t care anymore. He might as well surrender by now.

„What?“ Shori finally gets up to stand in front of the table, facing Sou.

„I’m sorry for having to say it, a-and I know you deserve someone better...“, Sou starts with a shaky voice, bowing down in front of Shori so he doesn’t have to look him in the eyes.

„B-but... I love you!“

Shori only stares at him frozen on the spot and unable to form any words. He knows Sou’s words are sincere, he can tell by his posture and his shaking hands that are balled into fists. Sou’s hair covers most of his face but Shori can tell his eyes are shut close, trying not to break out in a cry.

„What...“, Shori mumbles and it comes out high-pitched, a statement rather than a question. „I- I know you like me, Sou, but-...“

„I knew it“, Sou cuts him off before he can continue and let Sou hear what he thinks is the bitter truth. „And it’s okay you don’t have to explain yourself.“

Sou has prepared himself for this moment and Shori’s answer. He has prepared for the hurt and for the disappointment. But at least it will also bring him a clean cut and he can finally move on.

Shori got confessed to so many times. Never has it been as difficult as this. Shori always knew the right words to say, to decline politely even when another male admirer declared his love for him. _I feel honoured and I really admire your courage to speak up about your honest feelings_ , or something like that is what Shori would tell them. _But I cannot accept your feelings. Not because of your gender, but because of my work._

This time Shori doesn’t know what he wants to say. Never before has anyone made him speechless.

„I knew I should have never written that stupid letter.“ Sou’s words come out in a mumble but Shori hears them.

„Letter?“

„ _I love how your smile lights up my world_ “, Sou recites with his eyes closed as he finally raises his head.

„ _And my world is a better place with you in it. Even if tonight my heart is breaking, or your heart is breaking, if I can have tonight with you it will be fine, every day and every night will be fine._ “

„ _Even if I can’t be the one that you lean on I want to be the one that you dream of_...“, Shori continues, reciting the exact same words from Sou’s letter. He knows every word by heart, like the lyrics to one of their songs.

He should have known. He should have recognised Sou’s style of writing and he wishes Sou had more opportunities to write professionally because maybe then he would have noticed sooner. That this talent of Sou’s is something he should have pushed more, despite everyone else making fun of him for being overly emotional.

„ _How I wish my heartbeat would tell you everything I feel..._ “

„Stop it, Sou!“, Shori exclaims and walks closer to him until they’re right in front of each other. „Sou, I-...“

„I said you don’t have to explain yourself.“

„No, stop and let me talk now“, Shori interrupts with furrowed brows and balls his hands into fists before he continues.

„In the beginning you tried to appeal to me so much that I was unimpressed. You listened to me like a puppy, copied me, did everything to please me, even things you didn’t want to do at all. I thought you were really annoying because of that.“

„Shori...“

„No, wait. But the more I got to know about you, the more you opened up to me. Even if I had to force you a little, it worked with small baby steps. I got to know you better and the more I learned about your quirky, fun sides, the more I wanted to be near you.“

Sou finally looks up to him.

„I have said it once before already. You are something more to me than just a best friend“, Shori says determined and Sou knows what he is referring to.

Earlier this year Shori has been asked this question in an interview, who is the person that means something more to him than simply being a friend, and Sou expected him to answer his family, Sexy Zone as a whole or even his pet, but the first thing Shori instantly blurted out was, his name. Matsushima Sou.

„Not a crush or a lover or family. Or maybe it’s a little bit of all those things. But I know for sure that it is something special that I have never felt about anyone else before you.“

„Shori...“, Sou says and releases a bitter sob. A tear rolls down his puffy cheek although he has tried so hard to hold it all back. His fingers are burried in the fabric of his oversized shirt.

„I...“ Sou wants to say but instead he continues crying. Shori looks at him and his expression finally softens. He gives him his space and enough time but as always Shori wants to be a little selfish.

„Sou, can I hug you now?“, he asks and Sou’s heart starts pounding even harder than before upon hearing Shori’s innocent request.

But now it’s with excitement instead of fear.

„What kind of dumb question is that?“, Sou cries out and throws his arms around Shori’s shoulders, holding him tight in a warm embrace.

Eventually Shori puts his arms around Sou’s upper body as well, slowly and carefully, but then pulling him even closer to himself as Sou burries his crying face in the crook of Shori’s neck.

Although they are almost the same height Sou feels protected in Shori’s arms. He smells Shori’s familiar scent, feels his breath on his skin and the warmth.

_How I wish my heartbeat would tell you everything I feel. Because words cannot. They never will._

Sou knows his heart feels like it’s about to jump out of his chest but finally he feels Shori’s heart hammer against his chest just as hard, if not even harder.

_Words will never explain the feelings I hold for you. One day, maybe one day, somehow those feelings of mine will reach you._

„Can you hear it?“, Shori mumbles against Sou’s skin. There it is again. Their wordless connection.

Sou nods against Shori’s neck and smiles.

„I love you, too.“

Sou digs his fingers into his own flesh to remind himself that he’s not dreaming. It’s real. Even if he closes his eyes and just enjoys this moment. He feels invincible. No one will be able to destroy that for him, ever again.

They let silence engulf them for as long as it’s needed. Sou stops counting the seconds and just follows the beat of Shori’s heart. He could cry from happiness for the rest of the day.

Neither of them want to let go of each other but Sou does it slowly when he realises Shori is squishing him a little too hard and he almost chokes on the lack of space and his own tears.

„I’m sorry I’m not that good with words as you are“, Shori says when they let go and look at each other. Shori is blushing so much his cheeks are tainted in pink and Sou thinks it’s so cute since he has never seen that expression on him before. On the other hand his own tear-stained face must look really bad right now and yet he can’t stop smiling.

„But I don’t want you to cry“, Shori moves his hand up to brush a tear away with his thumb from Sou’s blushing cheeks.

„It’s because I am so happy“, Sou replies with a smile while looking down to his feet.

„Idiot.“ Shori laughs, then throws a glance at the door behind them. „Looks like we won’t get out of here anytime soon, huh?“

When Shori walks to the couch to finally sit down on the soft cushions Sou follows and sits next to him, their shoulders touching slightly.

„There’s something else you need to know“, Sou says as he reaches down for his bag to fish something out of it, a notebook. „I never wanted to have anything to do with Meiko. But she found my precious notebook and said if I don’t obey she was going to show it to you and I just panicked.“

Sou passes the notebook to Shori with both hands, lowering his head while doing so. Shori looks at him curiously and baffled, takes it into his hands and opens a random page.

„You didn’t want me to see a photo book...?“

„I thought you would find it creepy“, Sou says as he leans his chin into his hands. „I didn’t want you to dislike me because of that.“

Shori laughs as he flips through the pages. On some pictures they’re laughing together into the camera, taking selfies. On others Sou took pictures of Shori doing something funny and decorated it with cute stickers and funny quotes. However none of them make Shori feel creeped out and each one of them makes him smile a little wider. It’s cute, he thinks.

„You’re not disgusted?“

„Why would I be?“, Shori tells him and finally closes the book, instead pulls out his mobile phone. „Look. I also made a folder on my phone just for pictures of us. It’s not that weird.“

Sou looks at Shori scrolling down a page on his phone with purely pictures of Sou and them together. It’s titled „Sou & I“ and of course Shori hasn’t added any heart emojis but that’s just how Shori is.

„But while we’re at it let me ask you something too“, Sou says after Shori puts his phone down. „If you like me, why was the letter still so important to you?“

„Hmm“, Shori hums as he leans back into the couch. „I guess I just wanted to make sure I’m not leaving anything out. Partly I was also just curious and wanted to know who the talented person was who has written such a beautiful letter.“

Sou isn’t hundred percent satisfied with Shori’s answer but it’s typical of Shori and his practical way of thinking so he cannot complain.

They sit together for a while enjoying the comforting silence between them while Sou loses track of time. It’s not like they have a choice to be there anyways. They won’t be able to leave until someone from the outside opens the door for them.

„In interviews you always say you want to confess first“, Sou says after a while as he’s staring at the clock on the opposite wall of them, smiling to himself.

„Not everything I say in interviews is completely true.“

„So you admit you just wanted to appear cool, huh?“, Sou remarks as he throws a glance at Shori who is accidentally looking at the clock as well, his hands folded in his lap.

Although it may sound a little dumb Sou always tries to answer interview questions as honest as possible, he feels like it’s the easiest for him to feel comfortable and also he doesn’t need to have a bad conscience towards his fans.

„Shut up“, Shori jokes laughingly and slightly pushes Sou before he lets his head fall onto the armrest of the other side of the couch.

Sou watches him as he tries to hide his blushing cheeks while maintaining a low profile. He can hear him smirk though.

_I throw my words into the world, what I feel, and I hope I will be heard._

_No, I am finally heard.  
In love, Matsushima Sou._

~~~~~

 

Eventually the door swings open some time later. Much later. Before Sou even looks at their rescuer he quickly glances at the clock. It is shortly after eleven in the evening and they really have wasted their free evening in one of the dressing rooms of the office building.

„Oh, you guys are fine“, Kento says with a broad smile upon seeing the two of them lying on the couch. He can tell they are friendly with each other again as Shori has his legs resting over Sou’s lap while he’s dozing off.

„Finally! I’m starving“, Shori exclaims and jumps up from the couch immediately.

„Come on, I’ll drive both of you home since I’m responsible for locking you in“, Kento says as they pick up their jackets and bags. „My car is right in front of the building.“

Kento doesn’t ask any questions but he seems equally as happy that they’ve solved their problems. The group works easier when everyone is in good terms with each other.

When they arrive in front of Kento’s black Honda Civic, Kento opens the backseat door for them and Sou climbs in first to sit on the left side of the car and Shori enters right after him, claiming the right side. Kento finally walks to the driver’s seat and gets inside as he throws his bag to the passenger’s seat, then adjusts the rear-view mirror and the car’s GPS to where he wants to drive.

„Buckle up, kids“, Kento says with a laugh as he buckles his own seatbelt.

As soon as Kento starts the engine, Sou moves to the middle seat to sit closer to Shori, who only twitches in surprise but lets him do so without further complain.

Sou leans his head on Shori’s shoulder during the ride home and closes his eyes, enjoying Shori’s warmth and the pleasant moving of the car. He’s so tired he can feel himself drift off to dreamland, falling asleep. He’s never been that comfortable before.

In the meantime Shori looks out of the car window, trying hard to tell his body not to get too invested in Sou sitting so close to him, sharing body heat.

After a while he cannot take it anymore and he turns his head to look at Sou who is peacefully sleeping on his shoulder, his hair messily falling over his eyes, so Shori gently pushes some strands back. He wants to kiss Sou’s lips so bad it’s almost painful but he decides to not do anything because he doesn’t want Kento to think something weird and give him even more reasons to grin stupidly through the rear-view mirror.

Shori only takes Sou’s hand carefully and intertwines their fingers without the younger noticing and Kento being able to see. He can have a little bit of Sou at a time.

Shori draws gentle lines with the tip of his index finger on the back of Sou’s hand while he’s sleeping. He draws out the lines for the letters „ _I love you_ “.

Sou smiles in his sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

                                                                

 

 

 

The very next day Sou stands in front of Shori’s house once again. But for him everything is different this time. Shori has texted him to drop by so they can spend their day-off together, no excuses to cancel allowed.

Their first official date.

Sou nervously looks at his mobile phone while he’s waiting for Shori to come out. It’s not like anything is going to be too different but Sou can’t help but feel uneasy. He feels as if he has leveled up, like in one of his video games, and now new obstacles are awaiting him.

While he’s distracted with his phone he hears someone else open the door right next to Shori’s house. He looks up and sees Meiko stop right as she spots him too.

At the exact same moment Shori comes out of his own house, walking towards Sou with a beaming smile.

Sou smiles back and runs towards Shori to hug him as a greeting form (he learned this from Marius actually). He has never done this before with Shori without a reason and he feels like Meiko will know what is going on as soon as she sees the scene in front of her.

As Shori puts his arms around Sou’s body to reciprocate the hug Sou looks behind them and sees Meiko from the corner of his eye, watching them with a disgusted face expression, then turning around in a swift motion and running back inside her grandparent’s house.  _Good_ , Sou thinks. He doesn’t want to deal with her right now. Or ever again.

„Where do you want us to go today?“, Shori asks after he lets go. „You decide.“

„The zoo!“, Sou replies almost instantly and he sees Shori’s face change into a  _why-did-I-even-bother-to-ask_  expression.

„We’ve been there together about ten times before.“

„No, this time it’s different because it’s a date.“

„Stupid“, Shori replies with a laugh and punches his arm playfully. He looks at him for a while before he speaks up again, looking down to his feet. „Also, I have to apologise once again for what I did... you know. The kiss. I didn’t want to take you by surprise and make you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t want anything like that now I can wait as long as you want.“

Sou smiles because he likes it when Shori feels embarrassed.  _It’s not like I haven’t waited my whole life for this._  
  
„Or you can kiss me right now.“

„I-I can’t just do it like that when you tell me to!“, Short retorts immediately.

„I was just kidding“, Sou replies with a pout. Secretly he has been hoping Shori would take the initiative.

„But you look good today, different from usual“, Shori says out of nowhere to shift the topic after he eyes Sou from head to toe.

Sou is wearing skinny jeans which is unusual compared to his casual baggy pants style, a black button-up shirt and a thick woollen white cardigan. His hair is perfectly styled so his bangs are pushed to the side and Sou wonders if Shori knows he spent hours in front of the mirror today morning.

„You too“, Sou compliments although Shori took zero effort this morning to style himself, he’s wearing an old pair of jeans along to a black sweater and a leather jacket, scarf and cap. But Sou thinks Shori looks beautiful no matter what he’s wearing anyways.

Shori laughs because he can read through him. „Let’s go!“

They walk together to the nearest train station side by side, their hands slightly brushing. Sou cannot imagine spending his free time with anyone else now anymore.  _Shori, Shori, Shori. Forever Shori._

No stupid excuses anymore, no pushing away to pull him closer. Just pure honest emotions and a day to forget everything around them.

 

~~~~~

 

Again they spend a couple of hours in the zoo walking around, Sou being excited seeing every single animal they walk by although it is not the first time they are here. It’s not an aquarium date like with Meiko but Shori is pleased since it’s something they both enjoy even if Shori doesn’t really express it vocally like Sou does. As an animal lover himself Shori is having fun just as much as Sou but what he enjoys even more is watching Sou smile so brightly doing something he likes.

„Look, capybaras!“, Sou exclaims as he runs up to the capybara enclosure, leaning over the railing.

„Yeah, that’s you“, Shori replies.

He tries to lean his shoulders to Sou as close as possible without catching his attention (or anyone else's attention), slightly touching his arm. And every time Sou looks at him at the same time as he looks at Sou and their eyes meet, Shori’s heart begins to flutter and he just wants to grab Sou and pull him close.

„They’re so cute!“, Sou squeals as he looks back to the animals that are lazily sitting by a small pond, munching on some lettuce.

„I think someone else is cuter“, Shori mutters without Sou even hearing him.

After making sure no one is watching them, he leans a little closer to Sou’s face and without Sou expecting it he leaves a peck on his cheek.

Although the fleeting kiss on Sou’s cheek is shorter than a split second Sou’s face instantly heats up and this time he is the one who flinches slightly, surprised at Shori’s ministrations.

Shori blushes as he leans his chin onto his crossed forearms on the railing and continues to look at the capybaras in front of them, pretending like he’s so interested in watching them eat the same huge piece of lettuce for minutes.

Sou smiles to himself and he wants to give Shori something back but he’s still so taken aback and happy he cannot register what’s happening around them and the fact that they’re in public and so he decides it’s better not to risk anything with other people around.

„I’m hungry“, Shori moans as he turns around, Sou right behind him. „If you don’t want to see anything else, let’s go grab some food.“

„Sounds like a good idea“, Sou replies and feels his stomach rumble.

After exiting the zoo Shori tells Sou about a famous French restaurant in Ginza not too far from where they are and suggests to go there. Sou agrees, like most of the times he lets Shori decide on the restaurant because he knows Shori is the happiest when he can eat the food he wants to eat.

Sou thinks about his wallet first when they enter a fancy looking building and take a lift to go to the fifth floor, a friendly waitress greeting them in front of the restaurant’s entrance.

„I made a reservation for two“, Shori tells her.

„Ah, Mr. Sato. Please follow me to your assigned table“, she replies with a bow and accompanies them to their table, close to the windows with a pretty view of Tokyo’s night sky and the flashing lights of the other buildings around.

„Wow, they even have forks and knives here!“, Sou says as soon as they sit down and sounds more excited than he actually is and Shori only snorts in response.

„That’s nothing special“, Shori replies and still laughs.

„No, I mean they’re made of fine silver, look“, Sou says as he picks up the fork to observe it from a closer view.

Shori has to restrain himself from laughing even harder. They’re at a fancy place after all, only faint jazz music playing through the speakers in the background.

„You’re always fascinated by the most random things“, Shori notices and Sou smiles back. „It’s a French restaurant, what did you expect?“

„Certainly not for you to bring me to such an expensive looking place. How am I supposed to pay for this?“

„You don’t have to pay“, Shori replies casually as he picks up the menu card in front of him.

Sou blushes and leans back into his chair. It’s not the first time Shori is going to pay for his meal either but it still feels very different this time, especially in a place like this. Sou would have been equally as happy if they just went to a local Ramen bar but he can’t help but grin broadly.

„I’m not the type to expect being taken out to expensive restaurants“, Sou says and another waitress arrives to their table with a mineral water bottle and two glasses, pouring water for them before leaving again to let them decide what to order in peace.

„But I’m the type who wants to bring my boyfriend to expensive restaurants“, Shori replies after he has waited for the waitress to leave.

Sou stays silent for a minute before he replies, Shori thinking he’s busy pondering what to order for his meal.

„You just called me your boyfriend for the first time.“

„I- I did not!“, Shori retorts immediately as he looks up from the menu. „You must be hallucinating.“

„You’re funny, Sato Shori“, Sou laughs and finally picks up the menu card as well. „I don’t know any of these things on the menu anyways so I guess I’ll go with the restaurant’s recommendation.“

Shori shakes his head with a laugh and returns to choosing his meal. He gulps, taking a glance at Sou once in a while in between choosing and he can’t help but realise how pretty and beautiful Sou looks today, his hair, his eyes, his skin, everything. And he wonders how he hasn’t realised all of this sooner.

After telling the waitress their orders and the meals arriving shortly after they spend a lot of the following time without saying anything at all. Shori wonders if Sou feels uncomfortable or awkward just staring at each other and eating without saying a word but somehow he feels relieved. He doesn’t want to ask awkward questions and somehow he feels happy just by looking at Sou eating his food away hungrily, clearly enjoying every piece of the expensive lobster on his plate.

Shori giggles to himself.

„What’s so funny?“, Sou asks with his mouth full of food.

_You are the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life._

„Nothing, it’s only that your face looks funny when you eat“, Shori says instead.

„Don’t laugh at me“, Sou says but laughs as well. „Can’t everybody look perfect at any given time like you.“

Shori laughs because now Sou tries not to make any funny faces while eating on purpose and only takes small pieces of food into his mouth and chews carefully so Shori doesn’t make any more fun of him, while Shori only continues to smile as he secretly glances up at him in between eating.

When dessert comes up Shori gets a delicious chocolate mousse and Sou a crème brûlée. He doesn’t even like it that much but it was the only thing he has had once before from the list on the menu. He doesn’t even crave sugar that much anymore, it’s almost like watching Shori lunge for his dessert is as satisfying as a sugar intake.

When Shori finishes his chocolatey piece of delicacy Sou picks up a piece of his creamy cake with his fork and holds it out in Shori’s direction, signalising him to open his mouth and try.

Shori doesn’t move an inch and only proceeds to stare at him.

„Open your mouth, will you?“, Sou laughs and Shori angrily takes the fork out of Sou’s hand to stuff the piece of cake into his mouth, repelling Sou’s attempt of feeding him.

Sou only continues to giggle.

„Why are  _you_  laughing now?“, Shori asks.

„You have whipped cream on your upper lip“, Sou says still trying to hold back his laughter but he can’t do so every time he looks up at Shori’s face.

„Aren’t you supposed to wipe it off?“, Shori says with a smug face expression.

„Of course, darling“, Sou says sarcastically and takes some more of the cake’s whipped cream with the tip of his index finger before he leans closer to Shori and smears it all over Shori’s mouth and his chin, making him look like he has a Santa beard.

„What are you doing?!“, Shori jolts as he moves back into his chair, touching his face now full of whipped cream.

Sou bursts into laughter and Shori’s sudden disgusted expression makes it all so much better and he completely forgets that they are in a noble restaurant and he probably shouldn’t draw so much unwanted attention to them.

„Just wait until I get you for that“, Shori replies after he wipes the mess off his face with a napkin. That really has caught him off guard since Sou usually holds himself back from doing childish things like that, even in private.

After Shori casually pays for their meal at the counter (and Sou tries to ignore the impressive three-figure number on the receipt) they walk outside onto the streets of Tokyo, already deep night outside.

„You wanted to get me, right? Then try to catch me“, Sou says after giving Shori’s shoulder a strong pat, then starts running off into the opposite direction, leaving a baffled but at the same time also amused Shori behind.

Sou knows he will never in his life be able to run faster than Shori who used to be the number one runner during his whole school career but he wants Shori to outrun him anyways.

„I didn’t mean it like that!“, Shori shouts as he starts chasing after Sou who just turns to a smaller side road, looking back to see how far Shori has caught up. „I’m definitely getting you!“

„Never!“, Sou cannot even run properly from too much laughter, his sides already hurting from running and laughing at the same time. Sports have never been one of his strong points.

In less than a minute Shori catches up with Sou and grabs him from behind, making him unable to move out of his grip. Sou’s back pushes against Shori’s front and he still tries to squirm his way out of Shori’s vigorous hold but to no avail.

The side road has led them to a small bridge near a close river and there isn’t anyone around them but the darkness and the city lights glistening in the distance.

Sou feels like the only thing missing is a cheesy song playing in the background and everything would be perfect.

„Shori, let go of me“, Sou says, still laughing and trying to free himself.

„No“, Shori whispers in Sou’s ear and continues with a poor imitation of Sou’s voice, making it sound as funny and girlish as possible. „Not until you say  _‚Master Shori, I beg you to let me off this time, I’ll be a good boy’_.“

Sou is ticklish so he tries to move his head away from Shori but the more he wiggles around the more Shori pushes himself against Sou’s body.

„Stop it! I won’t say that“, Sou protests with a pout, tugging on Shori’s arms. „And my voice doesn’t sound like that either.“

„I’ll throw you over the bridge if you don’t listen.“

„Okay, okay, I’ll say it“, Sou exclaims immediately although he knows Shori is only joking and would never do that. „Master Shori, can you please let me go now? I’m starting to suffocate in your grip.“

„Good enough“, Shori says with a smirk and lets him go, ruffling his hair in return.

„You’re mean.“

„What did you say?“

„Nooothing“, Sou whistles, then takes a second before he goes on.

„Wait, let’s take a picture here, the background looks really nice.“

Sou walks to the middle of the concrete bridge and leans against the railing before he pulls his phone out and holds it above him, checking the view behind. Shori follows him but doesn’t look as enthusiastic about taking selfies as Sou does.

„A picture for your photobook-diary-thing?“, Shori asks. „You’re really easy to see through.“

Sou ignores Shori’s remark, too busy to find the right angle for the perfect picture while holding his phone above them.

„Get closer to me or we won’t be on the picture together.“

„Maybe I should take the photo since I’m taller than you“, Shori says as he notices Sou standing on his tip-toes and stretching his arm out as far as he can.

„You’re barely two centimetres taller“, Sou says with a tone of sarcasm in his voice. „But okay, here. Make sure it gets perfect.“

As soon as he hands his mobile over he grabs Shori’s jacket and holds onto his arm while he leans his other one over Shori’s shoulders. Now their faces are really close and Sou makes all kind of funny face expression as Shori shoots one picture after the other. Sometimes Shori really wonders what Sou’s true age is.

„Stop making all that silly faces, that doesn’t fit my handsome one“, Shori jokes after they look through a few of them together. „Make a nice one now as a memory, okay?“

„Okay“, Sou agrees and throws his arms around Shori’s neck. „Say cheese!“

Sou is blushing and smiling like an idiot while this time Shori makes a stupid face into the camera, squinching his eyes shut and pouting his lips, making it look like he wants to smooch Sou.

„Shori“, Sou sighs but actually his heart is beating really fast. He loves that picture of them.

„I’m sorry, next time it’ll be better“, Shori says with a smile. „Let me walk you home, okay?“

Sou only nods and follows, looking at the lit-up skyscrapers in the distance. Everything is beautiful, just like their whole entire day.

 

~~~~~

 

They are walking down a street close to Sou’s home in a quiet neighbourhood, passing people’s houses, only the streetlamps and moonlight shining down on them through a few clouds that pass by keeping them company.

It is around midnight and a soft breeze blows through the streets as Shori holds Sou’s hand tightly in his as they continue walking slowly, enjoying every second of each other’s presence, not having to worry about anyone bothering them.

To walk hand in hand down a familiar road with someone he loves, that is something Shori has never thought would come true. He has said he wants to hold Sou’s hand only so the younger doesn’t get cold like he always does but they both know how lousy that excuse is and how much Shori as well just wants to hold Sou’s hand.

„Why are we actually walking home together?“, Sou asks while he watches the ground, trying to walk on the white line on the sidewalk.

„I’m just making sure you get home safe“, Shori answers. Sou’s hand feels so warm and for once Shori thinks about how nice physical contact is.

„I’m not a girl, you know“, Sou says, unsure if Shori is saying that to tease him or if he is seriously concerned about Sou’s safety.

„I know. Why do you always need a reason for everything?“

„I don’t know. I guess it just feels surreal.“

Although Shori doesn’t say anything he agrees. It does feel surreal and weird and new but at the same time so incredibly familiar and perfect.

Looking up, Shori realises they have reached Sou’s home when Sou suddenly stops in front, turning around so he can face Shori.

„Thank you for bringing me home. And the nice day. And the nice dinner. And everything“, Sou says with a shy smile after he lets go of Shori’s hand, feeling a sudden heat rush through his body as he looks at Shori’s handsome features in the dim lightning around them.

„You don’t have to say thanks for that.“

„Well, uhm...“, Sou wants to say as he puts his hands into his pant’s pockets, searching for something. „Wait, where did I put the zoo ticket from today?“

„In your pocket I think?“

„Really? Then it must have fallen out because I can’t find it anymore!“, Sou whines. „I really wanted to paste it into my photobook as remembrance of this day.“

Shori doesn’t know what to say for a moment, only stares at Sou’s saddened face expression because who else would get frustrated over such a ridiculous thing other than Sou. Looking at Sou’s pretty face is when it finally hits him.

„I think I can give you something better than that stupid ticket.“

Suddenly Shori takes a step closer to Sou and lays his hands on Sou’s shoulders, slightly turning his own head to the side when he moves his head forwards. Their faces are so close to each other and although it isn’t the first time, it is the first time Sou isn’t afraid at all. He feels Shori’s actions are genuine and he doesn’t have a reason to back out anymore. To Sou time seems to have stopped, however not even a second has passed.

Finally Shori’s lips find their way to Sou’s and he kisses him. They both have their eyes closed and Sou kisses back carefully. His mind feels like it has gone blank and still the only thing on his mind is Shori, Shori, Shori. The only person he loves is Shori.

And like as if Sou is able to express his emotions through a kiss, Shori understands. His hands wander up to Sou’s nape and he gently lets his fingers stroke through strands of black hair as he kisses him. He tastes the sweetness of strawberries on Sou’s lips and thinks it’s the sweetest thing he has ever had in his life, the best dessert in the world cannot compare.

„Shori“, Sou mumbles when their lips part. He is able to feel Shori’s warm breath on his skin and he forgets what he initially wanted to say.

„You should go inside now, it’s getting late“, Shori says instead, warily putting his hands on Sou’s cheeks to squish his face a little.

„You can come inside too, if you want to...?“

„Don’t make this even harder for me than it already is, Sou“, Shori replies immediately and thanks the darkness for being able to hide his blushing face.

„We have work tomorrow early. Make sure to be on time.“

„Got it. Good night then, Shori“, Sou says with a yawning smile before he walks up to his front door, Shori watching him all the while until he disappears into the comfort of his own home, leaving his heart behind with Shori.

Sou wishes he has a bottle where he can store all his precious memories, especially this one, and when he feels sad or down he just needs to open that bottle and he will be able to recall that memory again and again, countless times.

His body feels exhausted but his mind is wide awake, all of today’s memories with Shori running through his head. Sou throws himself onto his bed, hugging his capybara plushie as he rolls around on the mattress in happiness.

_This night, I’m never letting go of you.  
Tonight, I have put an end to all the waiting._

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

                                                                 

 

 

Sou wakes up the next morning from a ringing on his front door.

It is shortly after eight in the morning and he is supposed to go to work soon. He hasn’t slept the whole night because he kept on imagining future romantic scenarios with him and Shori involved.

Quickly he drinks a glass of water in the kitchen before he walks to the door. _Must be Shori_ , he thinks, because no one else would have a reason to come visit him so early in the morning.

When he opens the door with a smile he does not expect an intimidated-looking young girl to stand in front of him, her head lowered.

„What are you doing here?!“, Sou asks and his smile disappears instantly as he looks at Meiko. „And more importantly, how do you know where I live?“

„I’m sorry that I’m showing up randomly at your place“, she starts while still looking down, holding a small tote bag in her hands. „I wanted to drop by to apologise to you, Sou. I’m serious. I regret what I have been doing to you.“

Upon hearing that Sou’s face expressions softens slightly.

„Can I come inside for a second? I bought you some green tea since I heard you’re from Shizuoka, and some cookies. As a sincere apology“, she continues and Sou opens the door a little wider.

„Fine“, Sou agrees and lets her enter. „But only for a cup of tea, I have to leave for work in an hour.“

Meiko takes off her boots at the entrance area before she steps onto the wooden floor of Sou’s living room and kitchen area, still holding the bag securely in her hands.

„When I saw you with Shori yesterday, it broke my heart, yes. But at the same time I realised something. I saw the way Shori smiled when you hugged him and I saw the way he was holding you. I’ve never even once before seen Shori smile like that. It then hit me, how much he must love you and how blindly I love him, trying to pull him further away from someone he loves. I realised how wrong it is to do something horrible like that to someone you love. Even if that person doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.“

Sou just stands there, looking at her patiently. In a way he feels like he’s looking at himself a few years ago. When Shori and him weren’t that close yet and he would get jealous at every person who made Shori smile, telling himself he would never be the reason for Shori to smile like that. On one side he sympathises with Meiko because although he never acted upon it, his mind once was filled with many negative thoughts as well.

„I understand your position more than you think“, Sou replies, leaning back against his kitchen isle counter. „What you did was cruel but I can forgive you, knowing your situation.“

„I never really wanted to hurt you, nor Shori. You have to believe me that. I just thought that maybe... maybe I could get Shori’s attention somehow. That he’s like the guys I was with before. But it’s not like that and I have come to understand that now. Love makes you blind sometimes, doesn’t it?“, Meiko releases a bitter laugh and somehow Sou is able to feel her pain. „It makes you turn a blind eye to your usual morals and that’s why this is so important to me now, to apologise and move on.“

„Don’t worry, let’s just forget it. I accept your apology“, Sou says as he steps forward, slowly taking the bag out of her hands. „I mean, no one got seriously hurt in the end so it shouldn’t matter.“

Sou thinks her decision is mature for a high school girl. He doesn’t know if he would be able to do the same back then. Meiko finally looks up to him, her dark eyes glistening.

„I am so glad. This really means the world to me“, she says with a relieved sigh. „Let me make you a cup of tea then before you go to make up for it, hm?“

She rummages through the bag and brings out a small plastic bag of green tea leaves and a box of chocolate cookies. She eyes the water kettle next to her on the counter and turns to the sink for water.

„Although I know a simple tea won’t make up for what I did“, she adds as she puts the water in the kettle to boil, Sou watching her closely from the opposite side.

„No, it’s okay. There’s no use in blaming yourself for eternity, as well as there’s no use in holding grudges against someone“, Sou answers and walks to the two-seater couch in the living room with the box of cookies to present them on the coffee table in front of him.

He hears Meiko chuckle from across the room and he looks up to her. She keeps her look at the kettle as she waits for the tea to be done.

„I finally understand why Shori is so infatuated with you. You have a pure soul.“

Sou smiles to himself, almost as if he’s a little proud for someone to notice that. He never really though of it but he hopes it’s true.

„Shori told you that?“, he asks, not able to hold his curiosity back. „I mean, being childhood friends you probably know him much longer than I do.“

„Not really, he hasn’t put it like that“, Meiko replies. „But he did talk about you almost every time we met up. Anyways... I think the tea is ready.“

Sou wishes he could ask more but he feels bad for Meiko at the same time so he keeps his mouth shut, not allowing her to get even more hurt. It’s best if he finds out about that for himself anyways.

„Oh, thank you“, Sou says after he tells her where he stores his cups and she returns to him with two of them and her green tea, Sou taking a deep breath as he smells the familiar scent of fresh green tea leaves in the air.

„Take a seat on the armchair and have a tea with me, if you’d like to.“

Meiko carefully sits down on the armchair. Sou brings the cup to his lips and takes a sip of the hot liquid going down his throat and leaving a warm feeling from the inside. Then he takes another sip, the tea exceptionally good to his taste buds.

„The tea is very tasty“, Sou says as he holds the cup in his hands. Meiko hasn’t even tried it yet but Sou doesn’t seem to care.

„Really? I’m glad“, Meiko says with a smile. „I hope it will help you relax.“

They just sit there with each other for a while. Sou yawns. It does cloud his mind a little, he feels like he cannot grasp a single thought anymore and like the only thing he can focus on is the cup in his hands. Maybe the lack of sleep is finally getting a hold of him.

Meiko watches him silently as Sou’s eyes slowly close for a few seconds before he blinks again, looking as if he’s trying to keep himself awake. Then he repeats the procedure, his eyes shut for a little longer each time.

„Are you okay?“, Meiko asks but doesn’t do anything.

„I think... Maybe I need to take a short nap...“, Sou mumbles with another yawn after he finishes his tea and puts the cup down on the coffee table, falling back into the comfortable couch cushions, leaning his head against the soft material. „Thank you... for the tea...“

Sou feels so far away all of a sudden, like his body has drifted off on a fluffy cloud and his eyes have finally found some rest and he can dream of his one and only love. _Just for a minute_ , he thinks. Then he will feel more energetic again to be able to go to work. But for now he cannot fight his body anymore and just needs to sleep for a little while.

Meiko only holds her cup tightly, warming her hands with pure hot water in it.

 

~~~~~

 

„How did _your_ weekend go, Shori?“, Kento asks while he slurps on the straw of his bottled green tea drink.

They are on stand-by mode at a shooting location for their new album promotions. Everyone has to shoot individually today so they have kept to themselves mostly since the early morning, trying their best to have the day go by quickly so they can rush to other appointments.

Shori looks at the clock on the wall of their dressing room. It’s past lunch break and the only ones left to shoot are him and Sou. Except that Sou hasn’t shown up ever since they started at nine in the morning.

„Shori?“, Kento tries again as he gets no answer from Shori who is lifelessly sitting on the couch like his soul has left his body. He hasn’t gotten much sleep last night either, too busy trying to calm his raging hormones down and at the same time not to think of Sou.

„Hm?“

„I asked how your weekend went. Weren’t you out with Sou?“

„Yeah, I was“, Shori replies and pulls his mobile out, opening Line so he can ask Sou where the hell he is. „We went to the... we just went out for a meal.“

Kento snickers to himself like he has figured Shori out as soon as the younger spoke up. „That’s good. I’m sure Sou was very happy. Sorry again for what happened a few days ago. Oh by the way, where is Sou?“

„I don’t know“, Shori replies while his fingers push the right keys on his mobile’s keyboard to write a message. „Maybe he overslept.“

„That late, though?“, Kento raises an eyebrow. „Even though Sou is always sleepy when we have to work so early he was never late before. Anyways, I hope you’re not responsible for him being late.“

Shori instantly looks up to Kento with a shocked face expression, feeling insulted that Kento accuses him of such things.

„I’m not. Maybe I should have picked him up...“, Shori says but more to himself than to Kento who only continues slurping on his drink.

Their peaceful co-existence is interrupted when the rest of the group march into the room with no other than their manager in tow and Shori instantly takes his feet down from the coffee table in front of him, adjusting his posture. It’s never a good sign when their manager just walks in like that into their dressing room without prior notice.

„Okay, guys. Where is Matsushima?“, manager asks as she crosses her arms. „We’re already going to be late to the appointment later on so why do I have to babysit you and force you to come on set to film?“

„Matsushima still isn’t here?!“, Fuma asks, almost a little insulted that Sou didn’t get to suffer with them through this day. Everyone knows how much Fuma hates it having to wake up early to start work.

„Didn’t Sou-chan go out with Shori yesterday night?“, Marius says in the most innocent way possible and Shori curses him internally because he knows now their manager will be after him. „He texted me that yesterday when I asked him if he wants to come over to my house for dinner.“

„Is that so, Sato?“, manager asks and tilts her head curiously. „I warned you last week regarding your tensions in the group and I won’t do it another time.“

„I didn’t do anything, I swear. I even brought Sou home and everything“, Shori defends himself as he states the truth. „But I can try calling him. He usually always picks up my calls.“

Shori takes out his mobile again and dials Sou’s number that he knows by heart, then pushes his phone against his ear while it’s trying to reach Sou on the other end, all the while he keeps looking anywhere but at their manager.

Shori waits for a good minute before he reaches Sou’s voicemail, then hangs up with a sigh.

„He’s not picking up“, Shori replies with concern in his voice that no one else seems to pick up on.

„Great, just great“, manager scoffs as she begins walking up and down their dressing room, slightly pushing a tired Fuma out of her way. „We have a whole production team here and Matsushima isn’t here to fulfil his duties. And there’s only Sato left to shoot after him.“

„Maybe he will still turn up. Maybe an emergency happened?“, Marius says in hope he can light up the gloomy mood in the room. „Like that one time Fuma had to pick up his little sister from school because she injured herself.“

 _Injury._ For some reason that word got stuck in Shori’s mind. He isn’t one to panic easily or imagine scenarios in his head that he isn’t sure of but he wouldn’t forgive himself if something were to happen to Sou and he isn’t there to help him. Nervously he begins playing with the hem of his shirt.

In that moment his mobile buzzes for a second, he received a text message. Everybody’s eyes are on him and Shori immediately unlocks his phone, hoping the message is from Sou and not one of his stupid friends having chosen the most unfitting moment to ask what’s up.

Shori’s eyes widen in shock when he opens the message.

It’s from Meiko.

From: _Iwahara Meiko  
_ To: _Shori_

_Do as I say or your boyfriend will suffer (knife emoji)  
_ _Just kidding, I’m not that cruel ^___^  
But the picture attached below will explain everything. _   
_You know what I want so listen to me or Sexy Zone will be over. <3_

_(Open file)_

Shori stares at the text message for a few seconds, unable to scroll down to look at the picture but he knows the longer he waits the more he will appear suspicious.

He holds his breath as he scrolls down, almost instantly scrolling back up. On the picture he sees Sou and Meiko together in his bed. He recognises Sou’s room by the Harry Potter posters in the background. Sou seems to be asleep as his eyes are closed but his hair is ruffled and his shirt unbuttoned all the way down as far as Shori can tell. Meiko on the other hand has tilted his head to the side with her left hand, pressing a kiss to his cheeks. Her arm is covering most part of her chest but Shori is able to spot the strap of her bra casually falling over her shoulder.

Shori doesn’t know how the rest of the picture looks like since the selfie she has taken from above only shows them to their chests but either way, staged or not, the picture looks very realistic and very career-destroying. He already knows what everyone’s first impression and the headlines would say. _Pure and angelic Matsushima Sou doesn’t seem to be as innocent and pure as we all thought,_ would be a headline in one of Japan’s biggest gossip papers.

„I have to go“, Shori says suddenly with a blank face expression, the only thing able to come out of his mouth.

„Sato Shori, I swear if you leave now too-...“, before manager can even finish her sentence Shori has already grabbed his bag and ran past her through the door, running as fast as his legs are able to take him.

Shori runs onto the streets without even having taken his jacket with him. No matter what the outcome may be, there is only one thing on his mind right now.

And that is Sou and his wellbeing.

 

~~~~~

 

„Sou!“, Shori screams as soon as he reaches Sou’s house and bangs his fists against the front door. „Open up, it’s me!“

He jolts the door knob but it’s locked and no one is answering him. Although he isn’t hundred percent assured, something tells him that Sou is inside and needs him.

Before he can think of breaking a window in he remembers that Sou has a spare key hidden under one of the flower pots next to his door, so he fumbles to grasp the key and push it through the key hole when he finally gets a hold of it.

„Sou!“, he shouts again while he finally enters and shuts the door close behind him.

The first thing he spots are two cups of tea on the coffee table in the living room, signalising that Sou in fact hasn’t been alone today. Shori knows Sou isn’t a guy who would leave dirty dishes around like that, always making sure to clean after himself even in his own home, so something must be off for sure.

„Shori?“, the voice is faint and barely audible but Shori hears it clearly coming from Sou’s bedroom, Shori running towards him immediately.

To Shori’s surprise, Sou doesn’t look injured at all. No blood, no bruises, nothing unusual. The only different thing is the pale colour on Sou’s face and his sleepy eyes, the rest of his body hid under a fluffy blanket.

Sou doesn’t know what is happening and how much time has passed (and that it’s already past afternoon) and is slightly shivering and when he tries to move his body to go towards Shori he finds himself unable to do so. His mind registers that Shori is in the room but his body still seems to be petrified, not realising he is in safety and nothing is going to happen to him anymore.

„Sou!“, Shori exclaims as he runs towards the bed to throw himself on Sou and pull him into a tight embrace. „I was so scared something might have happened to you!“

„Huh...? But I’m fine...“, Sou mumbles over Shori’s shoulders but he feels a headache creeping in with slight dizziness.

„Fine?!“ Now Shori pulls himself away to look at him properly and puts his hands on Sou’s shoulders. „Does this look like fine to you? Do you even know how you got into bed? Seriously, who knows what else could have happened!?“

„...what?“, Sou asks, confused about everything while Shori fumbles with his mobile to find the picture on his phone, showing it straight to Sou.

„I’m sorry I have to show you this but I won’t be like that main guy in dramas who hides his problems from his partner to protect them“, Shori explains and Sou finally realises what he’s looking at. „Meiko sent me this a few moments ago. She was here, in your house!“

„Y-yes, I know... but I didn’t take off my shirt and went to bed with her!“, Sou instantly defends himself, afraid of Shori doubting him.

„Of course I know that. Because I trust you“, Shori says with a quick reassuring smile.

„Actually she only came to me to apologise and the last thing I remember is she made some tea for me in the living room... then you arrived and I woke up here. I don’t even know how I got into my bed.“

„Fuck. She must have put sleeping pills or something like that in your tea“, Shori says and Sou doesn’t remember when he heard Shori curse the last time, usually he is always able to maintain his composure.

Shori doesn’t look angry but worried and scared. Sou really thinks he has never seen that face expression on Shori before. Shori lifts Sou’s chin to observe his face while Sou looks straight into his eyes and Shori notices a small lipstick stain on his cheek, making his anger towards Meiko grow. Although she’s a girl Shori would make her pay for this on the spot if he could but he is too busy holding Sou in his arms again and patting his back.

That is when it hits Sou.

For the first time in their life Shori doesn’t mention their group first. He doesn’t tell Sou how all of this might have bad consequences for all of them eventually, how all of their dreams might crumble only because Sou was uncareful. What Shori does instead touches Sou almost to tears.

Instead of mentioning Sexy Zone, Shori thinks of Sou’s wellbeing first, only cares for Sou and no one else.

„Maybe I should take you to a doctor“, Shori says with a concerned voice but Sou’s face instantly stiffens. „What she did was assault and is a crime for which she should be severely punished.“

„No, please. It’s not like I’m seriously hurt. I just have a headache. I just need you right now.“ Sou doesn’t want to imagine having to explain this situation to a doctor or police and then risk all of that to leak to the press. The only thing he needs is Shori’s tenderness and his support.

Shori sits down on the edge of Sou’s bed, putting his hand over Sou’s.

„Everything is going to be okay“, Shori says with a smile. „Wait here for a second.“

Shori doesn’t know what he is supposed to do nor how to properly take care of Sou. Carefully he walks into the kitchen to get Sou a glass of water and a painkiller before he returns.

„I’m going to make you a warm bath, in the meantime you rest here and drink this“, Shori hands him the glass before he disappears into the bathroom right over his room, Sou watching him through the open doors.

Sou doesn’t move or talk, he just sits there and observes Shori with heavy-lidded eyes. Although he slowly starts to understand what has happened and that it’s only natural for Shori to help him he still feels like he doesn’t deserve any treatments like this after causing so much trouble.

Sou nervously plays with the sleeve of his unbuttoned shirt, just now realising that he must have looked pathetic in his current state. As soon as Shori has left for the bathroom, Sou feels like he is going to puke any moment, he feels like Shori will go and never come back eventually. Suddenly a minute feels like hours and his body starts shaking again when he realises that Shori’s warm hand has disappeared.

Time isn’t that important anymore.

„Come here, I’ll help you.“

Sou turns his head when he hears Shori’s voice again and the next second before he is even able to protest, Shori is crouching on the floor in front of his bed with his back facing him, signalising him to accept a short piggyback ride to the bathroom.

Without a question Sou wraps his arms around Shori’s neck and Shori gently grabs his legs to carry him to the bathroom, Sou wishing it would have lasted a while longer. Shori then places him down onto the closed toilet seat and crouches down again in front of Sou to take off his fluffy socks.

„This is all my fault“, Sou mumbles as he digs his fingernails into his skin. He doesn’t know how he can ever make up for everything. Because in the end Shori is still the perfect one, doing all these beautiful little things to Sou without ever asking him to pay it back. And now even Shori will have to suffer because of Sou’s carelessness.

„If only I weren’t so dumb... Then Sexy Zone, and especially you, wouldn’t have to be in this situation right now.“

„Shh, it’s not your fault. And you’re not dumb. The only important thing is that you are okay and that we have each other, nothing else matters, Sou.“

Every time Shori mentions his name, Sou feels his heart beat a little faster.

„Should I help you with your shirt and pants as well?“, Shori asks and the noise of the flowing water filling up the bath tub in the background makes Sou feel at least a little bit at ease. He only nods, watching Shori silently and letting the relaxing background noise engulf them.

As Shori slowly slides off the shirt of Sou’s delicate shoulders and tosses it in some corner, the look on his face looks so soft, loving and caring, full of warmth.

„Please don’t look at me like that“, Sou mumbles and tries to cover his chest with his arms. Suddenly he feels so exposed. Shori notices that he still hasn’t managed to convey to Sou that he isn’t the one to worry, so he starts to take off his own sweater as well and removes it from his body, standing in front of Sou in a simple white tank top.

„Shori“, Sou calls out his name and stands up to face him properly. „You don’t have to do all of this for me.“

„But I want to“, Shori replies immediately and grabs Sou’s hand to place it on the left side of his chest, Sou looking at him confused. „Can you feel it? My heart is still beating the same way as it did years ago. Nothing has changed since then. You’re still my Sou.“

Sou really feels Shori’s heart beating like crazy, he feels the warmth of his skin against his palm again even through the thin fabric and he can’t help but give him a weak smile.

Shori smiles back, his cheeks blushing.

„Do you remember two years ago? When we went biking together in the outskirts of Tokyo, on a gloomy day in February. I wanted to show off and started biking faster but didn’t see a branch on the road in front of me, so I lost control over my bike and rolled down a hill before you could even jump off your own bike. I only had a few bruises to my arms and legs but while I was lying there on the ground for a few seconds, you seriously thought that I have died. You have put your hand on my chest like this to see if I’m still alive and started crying like a baby even when I started replying you“, Shori tells and laughs as he recalls that funny but precious memory of Sou. „What I want to say is, this is what relationships are about. You help each other out and take care of one another. You shouldn’t feel like you don’t deserve any of this.“

„I remember“, Sou blushes now as well, embarrassed by his own silly past-self and tries to look away but he can’t because Shori has just exposed his heart in front of him. „I remember like it was yesterday. When you started speaking again I hugged you so tightly I never wanted to let go. But in reality it was only so I could hide my tears from you.“

„That’s why I told you not to hide anything from me, to have more trust in me“, Shori says and places his hands on Sou’s cheeks, brushing them with his thumbs. „I failed this time but I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.“

Shori leans closer and Sou closes his eyes and lets Shori kiss his soft, pink lips. Scenes like this Sou has only seen in movies and it still appears difficult to realise that it is real and part of his life.

Sou isn’t sure how long they just kiss while holding each other in their arms this time but when they part, Shori helps Sou take off the rest of his clothes and climb into the hot water inside the bath tub. It sure feels like a long time for both of them. Shori uses a sponge and his hands to rub every part of Sou’s body carefully, massaging his shoulders and caressing every of his hurt spots in between laughing as they talk about old fun memories from the past. Now and then Shori asks if Sou is fine with the touches or if he is too rough and Sou feels fine with anything as long as it involves Shori’s hands.

He feels like they’re back to the old days when they used to go to an onsen together regularly and washed each other’s backs. Or when they went to an onsen with the group for filming. No matter when, Sou always feels at ease with Shori even when he’s exposed in front of him.

Shori also uses shampoo and washes Sou’s hair, then dries it off with a towel and leaves short kisses on his forehead and cheeks and of course his lips, while drying off his whole body with another big towel and then bringing him a fresh set of comfortable clothes.

Sou has never really paid attention to how gentle Shori’s touches are before.

After Sou changes into his cosy pyjamas he climbs back into bed. Shori insists on making him an instant soup, at least that he can do for him, so Sou can eat something and gain some energy before he goes back to sleep or they think of any further steps. After he finishes eating and Shori takes care of the dishes he sits back down on Sou’s bed once again, looking at him like he’s waiting for Sou to say something himself.

„You should sleep early so you don’t risk getting sick because of today... It’s getting late anyways“, Shori finally says when Sou yawns.

Shori takes a look at Sou’s nightstand clock. „I should probably head back home as well.“

„Don’t you want to stay, Shori?“

„I- I think it’s better if you rest properly“, Shori replies and mumbles the last part. „Your bed is too small anyways.“

Before Shori is able to even get up, Sou takes hold of his wrist, preventing him from escaping. „Please. Stay with me. I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep at all if I’m by myself tonight.“

Staying over at Sou’s house, even sleeping in the same bed, is something Shori has never really done before despite the two of them being best friends for such a long time. But Sou pleading him like that, there is no way that he will be able to say no to him, especially in the current situation.

„Pleaseee.“

„Fine“, Shori finally gives in.

Sou has never been as happy as he is now.

After taking a quick shower and Sou lending him a new t-shirt and sweatpants (they wear almost the same sizes anyways) Shori is finally ready for bed as well.

He sighs and throws the blanket to the side to slowly move down into the small bed next to Sou. He hugs him from behind and holds his body close to his own, Shori’s heartbeat so fast he’s sure Sou can feel it.

And probably something else too.

„Can we switch positions? I can’t sleep comfortably this way“, Shori complains as he sits up again.

„Sure“, Sou mumbles and they switch sides, only for Sou to realise that Shori has turned his back on him for Sou to be the one to cuddle him from behind.

„I have never imagined you wanting to be the little spoon“, Sou giggles right next to Shori’s ear and he twitches slightly, clinging onto the blanket over their bodies.

„We’re not in an anime, Sou. Everyone can be whatever they want“, Shori scoffs but Sou only tightens his hold around Shori’s waist, hugging him even closer. „And... it’s just more comfortable sleeping this way. Have fun with the cramp in your arm later on.“

 _There he is again, Shori with his witty way of talking_ , Sou thinks.

In truth, Shori just doesn’t want Sou to think he’s taking advantage of his current situation and having his arousal poke against Sou’s back surely wouldn’t be the most comfortable way of sleeping, for neither of them.

„I love you, too“, Sou replies with a laugh and presses a kiss right below Shori’s ear and slowly but surely Shori believes Sou does this on purpose to rile him up. However, Shori bites his lips and does his best to distract himself from indecent thoughts and relaxes in the comfort of Sou’s arms around his body.

„Good night, Shori. Sleep well.“

„Good night.“

_Tonight I want to be the one that you dream of._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sou pics right above inspired me to write a scene in which Sou is taking a bath but I really didn't know how to pull it off for this story. Isn't he just mesmerising? ;A; Anyways, I intended this to be the last chapter actually but now more drama happened. I live for angst and drama yisss


	10. Chapter 10

                                                    

 

 

Sou wakes up without Shori next to him the next morning.

He blinks a few times to get adjusted to the sunlight. His headache from the day before is gone and he finally feels like he got a good enough amount of sleep, he hasn’t sleep that well in a long time. Must be Shori’s presence that made him sleep peacefully like a baby.

„Oh, you’re awake?“, Shori peeks his head into the bedroom, a towel around his neck and his hair-ends slightly wet, just having taken a shower.

„Morning... what time is it?“ Sou takes a look at his mobile and realises it’s only seven in the morning.

„Don’t rush. We have enough time to get ready for work“, Shori says after he enters the room and leans against Sou’s desk, in his boxers and a tanktop only. „And enough time to think about everything.“

Agreeing, Sou goes to take a quick shower first as well while Shori gets dressed and makes two cups of tea for them in the kitchen. Sou is definitely the one who needs more time to get ready in the morning and he wonders where Shori gets all his energy from, no dark circles under his eyes or any sign of worry.

„I’m not particularly good at it but what do you have here to make for breakfast?“, Shori asks after Sou follows him to the kitchen area.

Sou looks at him for a while, smiling at the idea of Shori helplessly cooking for him although he knows Shori doesn’t like to cook.

„No, you’ve already done so much for me. Let me prepare breakfast for you now“, Sou says and puts his hands on Shori’s shoulder to slightly shove him away from the stove in front of them. „It’s my home anyways.“

„Are you sure you feel better already?“

„Yes, I’m totally okay now“, Sou replies with a reassuring nod while he’s putting on his apron and Shori sits down on one of the bar stools in front of him.

While Sou puts out ingredients for an omelette breakfast on the counter next to him and a pan on the stove, Shori watches him silently while enjoying his morning tea. He doesn’t want to admit it but seeing Sou cook for him excites him more than he thinks it would, and not just because his stomach is rumbling. It’s that heartwarming feeling when someone important to him cooks for his sake and puts all their love into the food he’s going to eat. Love definitely goes through the stomach for Shori.

Shori digs into the tasty looking omelette when it’s done and presented right in front of him and although it’s something so simple and Sou is quite good at cooking, he thinks it’s the most delicious meal he’s ever had.

After they have a lovely breakfast together, Sou can’t help but start feeling that reappearing uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. Being in their own newly acquired little lovey-dovey world won’t last too long because they still have all these problems that need to be solved ahead of them.

„I have no other choice but to turn myself in“, Sou says after he watches Shori scroll down through his Line app clearly concerned about their situation as well, always scrolling a little faster when Meiko’s name appears in the chat list.

„You make it sound like you’re the criminal here!“, Shori immediately retorts outraged. „And no, you can’t do that. We can’t prove that the picture is staged and you were drugged. Everyone is going to brand you as a player and Sexy Zone’s image will be done.“

„But what happened is my responsibility...“

„No! I don’t allow you to do that.“ Shori looks at him like Sou has just proposed to make a pact with the devil. „We have to do something else. Like steal her phone and delete the pictures, something like that.“

„That just sounds like wishful thinking. Technology is too advanced nowadays, who knows how many copies she has already made, if she has it on an external hard drive, if she has a cloud programme... The possibilities are endless.“

„But we have to try. I don’t think she’s that intelligent“, Shori throws in. „I have to listen to her demands first though. I think there’s no other way as of now.“

„You mean you want to pretend to give in?“ Sou looks at Shori a little disappointed. He doesn’t want that outcome. He and Shori have just gotten together and now they already have to pretend not to like each other anymore.

„Yeah, I have to pretend to be disgusted by the picture she sent me, and tell her how much I hate you now. Only this way it’ll be believable that I want to try dating her again. And it’s a way to gain her trust back“, Shori explains. „She’s already stuck in her sick world with the idea of being my girlfriend. I don’t think she will scrutinise anything if I finally give her what she wants.“

„...Right. I guess... that’s the best solution for now“, Sou says with a sigh, agreeing with Shori like most of the times. Shori is good at keeping a clear head and Sou trusts him enough to pull off a plan like that.

„I’m going to reply to her message now and tell her she should meet me at the office building after work later“, Shori says and begins typing on his mobile, then clicks the „send“ button and quickly leaves the chat, not wanting to stare at it longer than needed.

Sou heaves a sigh again and Shori immediately grabs his hand, to which Sou looks at him in surprise. „That doesn’t mean that I want to break up with you in reality, or that you mean anything less to me.“

„No, it’s not because of that. I trust you“, Sou says with a faint smile. „It’s just you’re doing all of this for me and you’re the last person I wanted to get in trouble because of me. I just wish I could deal with your crazy childhood acquaintance alone rather than you.“

„I told you already don’t worry about it. I can handle a lot“, Shori reassures him. „I know everything will go well. And after we survive all of this mess, I promise I will take you somewhere special this summer.“

„Like a fancy restaurant again?“

„No, like somewhere warm and cozy. Like Okinawa.“

„You want to go on a trip with me?!“, Sou exclaims and his eyes light up instantly. He has never went on a trip in private besides for work, always too anxious to travel on his own, a little envious of Shori being able to do that and enjoy himself while he sees all of these beautiful places he has shown him through pictures.

„I thought you liked traveling solo because you can be by yourself and have some alone time.“

„I think I can live through that“, Shori says with a smug smile. „Unless you don’t want to travel with me and want to go with Kento instead.“

„No! Of course I want to go with you!“, Sou immediately throws in. „Ah, that is really something to look forward to. Can we go swimming with sea turtles together? And drink fresh coconut juice straight from the coconuts?“

Shori laughs, clearly amused by Sou’s sudden excitement. „Of course, of course. Everything you want.“

 

~~~~~

 

Different from the disaster a day ago, work goes smoothly a few hours later that day.

Sou apologises to their manager approximately a hundred times while kneeling in front of her, declaring that no emergency in the world can work as an excuse to not be present at work to fulfil his duties and manager feels a little bit guilty, telling Sou that she knows him and that she has been a little worried as well, especially when Shori ran off like that out of nowhere.

However, Sou is happy that he doesn’t have to face any repercussions at work at least, and he promises to work double as hard to make up for everything again. The problem with Meiko on the back of his mind all the time, especially when he glances over to Shori and he’s intensely staring at his mobile.

It’s late afternoon when they finish work and the members all scatter to somewhere, leaving Sou and Shori behind.

Shori leaves first, in order to meet Meiko in the reception area. Sou follows him secretly, not able to satisfy his curiosity just by trusting Shori alone.

He feels like he’s back in secret agent mode, just like when he has stalked Shori with Meiko on their unofficial aquarium date. Sou stops behind a pillar looking at his phone, close enough to catch their conversation.

„It was about time that you replied to me“, Meiko greets him and Sou can tell she sounds angry.

„Sorry but I have a busy work schedule“, Shori replies with a tone of sarcasm in his voice. „But I also had to tell you this in person. That you were right about everything.“

„Huh?“

„The picture with Sou. I knew he only wanted to sleep with you“, Shori says and Sou makes a face of disgust just hearing Shori pronounce these words. „I told him how disappointed I am he took advantage of you.“

„Right?!“, Meiko instantly throws in. „I’m happy you finally realised that he’s not right for you and that I was able to prove that. I almost thought you liked him more than you like me.“

„Why would I like a guy more than you?“, Shori says with a laugh. „Maybe I was wrong and I should give you another chance. Listen, let’s just forget what happened and start anew.“

Although Sou knows Shori is only acting, the words hurt. He never asked Shori anything like that before and the insecurity creeps into his system again. Shori really is too good of an actor, he even almost convinces Sou to believe his words.

„I’m so happy you agree!“, Meiko beams and falls into Shori’s arms to embrace him tightly. „It’s like all my dreams are coming true at once, finally having you as my boyfriend.“

 _What a psycho_ , Sou thinks and although he is slightly obsessed with Shori as well, it’s not in that kind of possessive way.

Sou only hears Shori laugh awkwardly before she continues. „Then let’s meet up on Valentine’s day next week to spend some time together as boyfriend and girlfriend, hm?“

„You know that’s our album release day, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it on Valentine’s“, Shori says and Sou hears the cringe in his voice. He knows Shori isn’t the type to celebrate holidays like that. „I don’t even like Valentine’s to be honest.“

„I know your schedule for the next three months by heart and you don’t have any appointment in the evening“, Meiko replies with a pout. „You can have a little time for me... And since I’m staying right next to your house that won’t be a problem, okay?“

It’s like Meiko decides for Shori and he has no other choice. Shori with Meiko in her grandparent’s house, Sou doesn’t like that idea at all.

„Okay, okay. I’ll drop by your grandparent’s house before I go home that day“, Shori gives in. „So, are you going to delete that picture with Sou? You know if you make that public you will not only damage Sou but me and the whole group as well, right?“

„I may be younger than you but I’m not that dumb“, she says and suddenly Sou feels a shiver run down his spine. „I’m not deleting anything, just in case. But of course I don’t want to damage my boyfriend’s career either. I have the picture in a safe place. It’s kinda cute, although we didn’t do anything that night. I just took a nap next to Sou.“

„In your underwear only?“

„Well, Sou was asleep anyways so it’s not like he saw anything“, she giggles and Sou wants to puke again. „But let’s not talk about that anymore. We wanted to start anew anyways, right?“

„Right“, Shori replies. „So, let’s keep in touch, I guess? I have to go to another appointment now to do recordings for my radio show.“

„Yes, let’s keep in touch.“

Sou balls his fists and takes a deep breath before he turns around and takes another exit to go home.

 

~~~~~

 

It’s Valentine’s day and their dressing room smells like freshly baked cookies and delicious chocolate.

The tradition doesn’t die yet, Marius has baked one of his well-known recipes for the members and everyone is in a good mood, their album finally launching. All their hard work has paid off.

„For once your baking creations don’t look like trash, Marius“, Fuma taunts as he takes four pieces of meringue-looking pastries into his hands, stuffing one into his mouth.

„I don’t remember you ever rejecting them, even when they looked like trash“, Marius defends himself as he walks around the room with a box full of pastries, offering every member something in order to celebrate Valentine’s day and their yearslong friendship.

Shori sits in the neighbouring room in between racks of clothes on an old leather couch scrolling his mobile, enjoying his short spare time by himself. He looks up from his mobile when Marius enters the room and without even seeing it yet he knows what Marius is up to.

„I made some Valentine’s pastries“, Marius says with a beaming smile. „Of course you’re getting some as well.“

„I’m not hungry“, Shori replies casually, rejecting Marius’ offer politely.

„That’s a lie, you’re never _not_ hungry“, Marius says immediately, then walks up to Shori to sit down next to him, pretending to think to himself for a while. „Ah, I get it... It’s because of Sou-chan. Because you only want to eat Sou’s self-made chocolate from now on.“

Shori turns to him and his cheeks instantly tint in a light rose colour. „...H-how do you know?“

„You two are really obvious“, Marius says, like he’s proud of himself for noticing. „Also Sou told me that he made something for you.“

Shori looks at him with a questioning face expression.

„Wait, you didn’t know? Oops... I’m sorry, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.“

Shori dwelt on the thought of Sou standing in his kitchen, wearing his cute pink apron and preparing cookies or chocolate of some sort while mixing flour and butter together, all the ingredients ending up either on the apron or his face instead.

„Anyways, then no pastries for you now“, Marius warbles away as he gets up and exits the room again, leaving a still surprised Shori behind.

Shori unlocks his mobile again, then decides to text Sou a message.

 _To: Sou  
_ _From: Shori_

_Meet me @ our fav cafe in Meguro at 6PM, I’ll wait for you ;)_

Shori looks at his message for a while before he sends it. _No, it’s too early for the winking smiley_ , Shori thinks to himself and then changes it to a playfully tongue-sticking-out emoji before he presses send and waits for Sou’s reply.

 

~~~~~

 

Somehow Sou isn’t surprised at all when he gets Shori’s message but the more he thinks about it, the more excited he gets.

It’s not a fancy restaurant this time but the fact that Shori wants to meet him in private on Valentine’s day alone makes Sou’s heart skip a million beats. And he’s sure Shori hasn’t forgotten Valentine’s day this year like usually, with their album release on the same day and all the various events going on.

Sou smiles at Shori after he enters the cafe located on the 5th floor and spots him standing next to the paying counter.

„Did you make sure no one followed you here?“, is the first thing Shori asks while he turns the peak of his black baseball cap around and fixes his parka when he gets approached by Sou.

Although a little unnecessary now Sou looks behind him one more time to make sure no one is staring at them or giving them any suspicious looks. „Yes, don’t worry.“

„Good“, Shori replies, then turns around to lean over the counter and talk to the barista but instead of ordering drinks he asks for something else, to which the other guy nods with a smile and hands Shori some sort of keycard.

„Come with me“, Shori says to Sou in a soft voice and gently takes his hand before he leads him through a _„staff only“_ door, which then leads them towards a narrow spiral staircase.

On top of the stairs Shori pushes the heavy metal door open for Sou to lead them to an outside area. Sou finds himself on the building’s rooftop, a wide scenery of tall buildings in front of them and he feels like he’s teleported back to his high school days, having spent most of his time during lunch break by himself on the school’s rooftop, enjoying the rays of sunshine.

Compared to that time, now it is already dim outside and the city lights glister in Sou’s eyes. He hears muffled noises coming from the streets but the place still mediates a very peaceful and private atmosphere.

„Now we can really be in private“, Shori says after finally closing the door behind them.

„How did you do that?“

„I know the guy working here. Sometimes when I want to enjoy my coffee in peace I get up here and sit on one of the empty beverage crates.“

For a moment they just stare at each other as dusk is approaching, neither of them able to form the right words to say, nor to decide whether they want to sit down or keep standing. Shori takes a step closer to Sou to give him a hug but before he can act upon it, Sou slides his backpack off his shoulders and takes something out of it.

A red box decorated with a golden ribbon around. It looks like a box of self-made chocolates.

„I know you’re not the biggest fan of Valentine’s day but I know you like chocolate“, Sou says and holds the box with both his hands in front of Shori, looking up at him with concern as he nervously bites his lips.

Shori just looks back at him for a second completely caught off guard and with wide eyes before the brightest smile spreads on his face and he takes the box into his hands, Sou taken aback when Shori’s fingers brush his own.

„I didn’t expect you to give me anything actually“, Shori says, still smiling and Sou looks at him, feeling that smile infect him. „But I’m sorry I don’t have anything for you now in return. You’re not a girl so it shouldn’t be your job to do that...“

„That’s okay, it was quite natural for me to do it“, Sou replies while he watches Shori hug the box of self-made chocolates close to his body. „Just make sure you have something to return one month later.“

Shori laughs now but because he knows deep down Sou really cares about corny commercialised traditions like this and he has probably spent days thinking about what to give him and that thought alone makes Shori grin from eat to ear.

Then Shori puts the box of chocolates down on an empty metallic folding table next to them and without responding he finally wraps his arms around Sou’s body, hugging him tightly as he inhales the familiar scent while doing so.

_And without a second thought you were the best present that was given to me by the world._

Sou moves his arms up and although Shori’s thick oversized winter parka is kind of in the way, he can feel Shori’s warmth when he wraps his arms around his torso.

„Somehow this hiding game has its appeal, hm?“, Shori jokes as he whispers into Sou’s ear and it makes his skin crawl with an unknown excitement.

„But I miss you already“, Sou replies into Shori’s jacket with a pout as he hugs Shori tighter for a minute longer before his arms let loose, allowing Shori to let his hands rest on Sou’s waist while he faces him.

„Don’t make it harder on me than it already is“, Shori says with a blush on his cheeks and for the first time Sou is the one who leans in for a kiss, surprising Shori once again when their lips meet.

Shori digs his fingers into Sou’s woollen jacket when he kisses back and he wishes they would have more opportunities to do this. Be able to meet like this more often. Have more of Sou and more of his love.

When Shori’s hands wander up to gently graze Sou’s nape he grabs at his soft hair, Sou yelps with a low voice and Shori uses the opportunity to kiss Sou a little deeper and let his tongue slip through.

Sou holds Shori with a little bit more force as if he’s trying to hold onto him for support, showing his uncertainty, but Shori notices and lovingly strokes through his hair. He leads him even through kisses, reassuring Sou that he only needs to follow his ministrations.

Suddenly Valentine’s day wasn’t just a boring over-hyped holiday to Shori anymore.

Shori thinks he can do this forever, make out with Sou on a rooftop even when it’s cold because all he needs to feel the fire inside of him ignite is Sou’s body close to his own.

After what feels like almost an eternity to them, Shori is the first to pull away slowly, suddenly remembering flashbacks from last week and how they should not get too carried away.

Sou follows his lips instinctively with his eyes still closed, not wanting to part but he stops and opens his eyes when Shori speaks up.

„We shouldn’t...here...“

Now that Sou looks up at him from so close, Shori’s face is red as a beet and he barely brings out proper words, puffs of breath clashing with Sou’s cheeks.

Sou leans his head against Shori’s collarbone and buries his nose in the crook of his neck, holding Shori’s warm hands in his.

„Can I ask you something, Shori?“

„Hm?“, Shori hums into his ruffled hair.

„Do you like girls too? Or just boys? Or maybe that doesn’t matter to you?“, Sou asks and Shori isn’t sure what he should think of the sudden question but he pats Sou’s head while he answers.

„Hm, I have never really thought about that. But I can’t imagine myself being attracted to any other guy than you. Guys are disgusting after all.“

Sou laughs a little at that remark, feeling relieved that he doesn’t have to worry about Shori becoming infatuated with someone else than him, especially working in that type of industry. He feels happy knowing he’s something special to Shori.

„How about you?“, Shori asks back then and Sou is prepared for the same question.

„I don’t care. I mean, about gender. I guess I don’t mind it as long as I like the person on the inside“, Sou replies. „And as long as I feel comfortable around them.“

„I’m surprised I’m that person“, Shori says. „We don’t have a lot in common and you’re so clingy while I’m not, however you somehow manage to make me feel that way still.“

„Feel what?“

„D-Don’t make me say it out loud!“, Shori retorts and pushes Sou back slightly so he can face away. „Let’s stop that now, I have to leave soon anyways.“

„One day I’ll teach you how to properly talk about your feelings“, Sou says and puts his hands back into his jacket’s pockets.

„And one day I’ll teach you how to shut up and listen to me“, Shori jokes while he puts the box of chocolates carefully into his own bag.

„I got it, Shori needs to assert his authority again“, Sou laughs, then remembers Shori’s words again. „Wait, where do you have to go this late?“

„To see Meiko“, Shori replies and he wishes he doesn’t have to see the sadness evident on Sou’s face. „I know, I’m not happy about it either but I have no choice. I won’t be with her for too long though, I know we have work tomorrow early...“

„Well, I guess the authoritarian side of you must feel proud now, dating two people at the same time.“

„Stop it!“, Shori says half-joking, half-offended as he hits Sou’s arm playfully. „That’s not a good thing to joke about. I should just get it over with.“

„I know. I’m sorry.“

„But let’s not part ways like this“, Shori says and suddenly Sou feels Shori’s hands on his shoulders, pushing him towards a wall until his back meets the cold metal door behind him.

Before he can protest Shori kisses him again. A little more passionate than before, with more force and more intrusiveness. Sou has always known Shori has that side hidden inside of him behind his shy facade.

„Let me have a little more before I have to go“, Shori pants in between steamy kisses and Sou responds by taking hold of Shori’s neck to bring him even closer and kissing back harder before Shori can say something else.

Shori’s body is pressed against Sou’s while he supports himself with his arms against the door and Sou is sure if the door wasn’t this heavy Shori would make sure to break it in with how strong he’s grinding against him.

They’re so into each other that they don’t even register it’s already past nightfall.

Sou holds onto Shori’s jacket with all his might to support his wobbly legs, not realising how much he is melting in Shori’s hold. If he were made of chocolate he would have melted completely by now.

_The sweetest chocolate for me is you, after all._

 


	11. Chapter 11

                                                              

 

 

 

It’s been harder to let go of Sou than Shori has thought.

Well, he can live with it since it’s not forever. Only tonight he has to pretend as if he likes someone else, maybe afterwards everything will get better again. Hopefully. Shori is a positive person and believes there’s a solution for everything, he just has to try hard enough. This time not only for his sake but for Sou’s.

Shori goes through this evening like he’s going through a film shooting, with the exception of knowing he’s not getting paid for it and thus he lacks motivation, exhausted from the long day he has left behind. Girls have always appeared like even more extra work to Shori, and that’s why he has never really cared to mingle with one. Meiko is not any different.

She hugs him when he rings her grandparent’s door. They already went to sleep so Meiko leads Shori to her bedroom in silence (Shori isn’t even sure if her grandparents would be fine with her having a male counterpart over that late in the evening), to which Shori is surprised that her bedroom is quite spacious, but looking like a typical girl’s room. Not that he expected anything else but at least he doesn’t see his own face on one of the idol posters on her wall.

Shori sits awkwardly on the fluffy carpet on the floor in front of her bed, not wanting to touch anything if he doesn’t have to. Meiko offers him chocolate milk and cookies which Shori cannot decline and they chat about arbitrary things, how their days went recently and Meiko talks mostly about her school days, Shori finds it really difficult to concentrate on listening to her suddenly very annoying voice.

„What would you have done in my situation?“, Meiko asks as she inches a little closer to Shori and peeks up at him with wide eyes.

„Hm?“, Shori only hums, too busy staring at the clock on the wall in front of him, pondering if he will be able to get enough sleeping hours tonight to be able to wake up at four in the morning to go to work.

„Are you even listening to me?“, Meiko complains and goes into a huff. „I don’t understand why you’re being so dull. Can’t you be at least a little bit more dominant?!“

„Well, maybe that’s not how the real Shori is! I can’t be the idol you admire even in my private time“, Shori says and he sounds upset, although he is just stating facts. „You have to deal with how I am in reality.“

Meiko looks at him silently for a solid minute and Shori already contemplates what he will have to say next to calm the situation but before that can even happen she speaks up.

„I’m sorry, you’re right. I’ll try my best, okay?“, she says instead and Shori looks at her in surprise, not having expected any kind of remorse from a person like her. „I’ll just go use the bathroom quick, I’ll be right back.“

Next thing she does is she gets up and leaves the room, which Shori has been anticipating the whole evening.

As soon as she closes the door behind her, Shori gets up as well and starts looking through her room. He opens a few drawers, looks under her bed, moves around a few boxes. He doesn’t find anything unusual.

Finally under a stack of notebooks and school papers he finds her laptop and instantly flips it open. Of course it’s password-protected. Shori thinks fast, he types her birthday in first, wrong. Then he types his own birthday and the screen lights up fully, showing him her pink desktop screen.

„Bingo“, Shori whispers to himself and mentally pats his own back for figuring out the password that quickly.

On the laptop as well there’s nothing unusual at first sight. Shori looks through the files, trying to find a folder with suspicious pictures. There’s nothing incriminating, not even anything embarrassing he could use on her to blackmail her in return.

When he goes through her social media, he’s distracted by her Line app pop up in the corner of a screen. She has just received a message by a guy called „Hiroshi<3“, and Shori wonders why his name has a heart attached to it if she loves and adores him that much.

He opens the chat to quickly scan through the last few messages.

_Meiko: (picture attached) This is a new bag I bought! Look how cute it is <3_

_Hiroshi <3: That’s nice, but I told you to stop contacting me. That is not my business anymore._

_Meiko: Well, I’m fine with that. I have a new boyfriend now anyways so I guess it’s the best this way..._

_Hiroshi <3: That’s not my business either. _

_Meiko: You could at least say congrats >< _

_Meiko: Hey? You still there?_

_Meiko: (picture attached) That’s him! Handsome, right?_

_Hiroshi <3: I told you to stop contacting me, especially if you have a boyfriend. You don’t want him to get angry at you because you’re texting your ex behind his back._

  
Shori looks at the picture Meiko sent to that guy, it’s a picture of himself, declaring Shori as her new boyfriend. Actually Shori indeed finds it odd to send pictures of your new boyfriend to your ex and he’s sure there is more behind that than just Meiko wanting to flaunt her famous new boyfriend to somebody, so Shori decides to reply to the chat conversation in Meiko’s name, typing quickly and carefully, trying to be as silent as possible.

_Meiko: Hello, this is Sato Shori speaking, not Iwahara Meiko. I have a really important favour to ask of you. Please call or mail me on this number that I will link below, and please don’t reply to this message so Meiko doesn’t see it as I’m writing in secret. I will delete it so she doesn’t see it. Thank you._

After Shori leaves his number to the unknown guy in hope he will get to know more about Meiko through him since he wasn’t able to crack her himself, he also deletes his own message right after sending it, seeing the guy has received the message. He can only hope he will play along and contact Shori in the end. Maybe he can help in a way, no matter how.

Shori quickly closes her laptop shut when Meiko gets back from the bathroom and she looks at him baffled.

„What are you doing at my desk?“, she asks in a playful tone.

„My legs just fell asleep so I wanted to sit on a chair...“, Shori lies, his legs are fine but he thinks his acting is good enough to convince Meiko.

„Should I give you a massage?“, she asks and blatantly sits down on Shori’s lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and Shori twitches in discomfort, not liking the sudden physical affection the least bit.

„N-no, I’m fine“, Shori replies in a stutter and Meiko takes it as a sign of shyness when in reality Shori wishes he could run away as far as possible.

„You’re cute when you let your guard down“, she giggles and leans in for a kiss.

Shori wants to turn his head away but he can’t. On one hand he’s still too shocked to do anything about it but on the other he knows he can’t run away anyways, he will have to obey whatever Meiko wants him to do and all of a sudden he truly realises the situation he’s gotten himself into and all the possible outcomes start unfolding in his mind.

He doesn’t move at all when Meiko’s lips meet his and she kisses him. Shori doesn’t kiss back, he doesn’t even know how it feels like to kiss anyone else but Sou.

Sou is on his mind all this time and his thoughts start spinning. Basically, his mind gets stuck with the idea that this right now might be considered cheating. Although he’s not enjoying it and all he can think about are Sou’s lips on his, a kiss is a kiss after all.

Shori can’t comprehend what’s going on around him anymore. It feels like he’s betraying his own principles.

Before he realises it he pushes Meiko away from him so she almost stumbles and falls backwards onto her bed.

She smirks for a second, expecting something else to come, but her smile disappears instantly as she sees Shori grab his jacket and bag and he walks to the door.

„Where are you going?“, she asks and Shori already feels dizzy just thinking about failing to escape his current situation.

„Home. I need to be on morning television at 4am tomorrow and it’s already late“, he replies, trying to sound as calm as possible. „Also, I don’t want to rush things. We have all the time in the world.“

„You’re right“, she says and Shori is surprised he was able to convince her this easily. „My grandparents are sleeping in the room next to mine anyways, we shouldn’t disturb them. I’ll walk you to the door then.“

Meiko gives Shori a kiss on his cheek as she holds onto his collared shirt before she tells him goodnight.

„I’ll watch you on tv tomorrow morning then.“

„Good night.“

Shori walks out of the door feeling like he just had to swallow a bunch of needles. Walking to his own home right next to Meiko’s grandparent’s house feels not far enough to calm down and Shori goes to sleep with an unsettling feeling.

 

~~~~~

 

Shori is surprised he received a message from an unknown number while he has been asleep. The message is the first thing he sees flash up on his mobile screen after waking up early for work. He decides to read it later on in Sou’s company, telling him about last night and his newest conquests.

„I can’t believe that guy really texted you back“, Sou says as they’re walking towards their cosy café in Meguro. „So you texted him to find out more about Meiko, in hope it’s something incriminating. What even did he reply?“

„Here, you can read it yourself“, Shori replies and hands Sou his mobile when they stop in front of an intersection, waiting for the traffic light to turn green.

  
From: _unknown number_  
To: _Shori  
Hello. Is this a prank? Well, I did like you told me, so now tell me what’s going on and why you are using Meiko’s private messaging account?_

From: _Shori_  
To: _Unknown number  
Hello, I’m sorry for the sudden message. I would like to explain everything in person as there is much to tell. Can you meet me in Meguro around 4PM tomorrow at this address?_

  
Just as the lights turn green Sou finishes reading and hands Shori his mobile back. „I can’t believe he just said okay to that. What if he doesn’t turn up at all?“

„Then we’re going to think about something else. But for now, we have to try“, Shori says and nudges Sou’s side.

It is five minutes to four in the afternoon and Sou enters the café with a completely different feeling from last time. He lets go of Shori’s jacket sleeve he has been holding onto before that not to get lost in the crowd, and just to feel better by holding onto something.

Shori walks inside the shop, Sou following him shortly behind as he scans the room searching for any young-looking guy sitting by himself.

Before Shori is able to spot him, he spots them instead, locking eyes with Shori quickly and gesturing them over with his hand.

He looks like he could be around their age, his face is quite handsome, he’s tall with his black hair slicked back. He’s wearing a casual jumper with a pair of jeans, a cup of black coffee in front of him.

„Hello, I’m Sato Shori“, Shori says with the softest voice Sou has ever heard him talk with, not to catch anybody else’s attention and he pulls the mask he’s been wearing down from his face. „This is Matsushima Sou, my working partner.“

„Ah, I’m Tanaka Hiroshi“, he introduces himself and his voice is pretty deep unlike his own. „Nice to meet you. Please, take a seat.“

Shori lets Sou sit down first before he takes the seat next to him. He realises they haven’t even ordered anything to drink. But that’s not why they’re here anyways.

„I’m sorry for suddenly wanting to meet up... but it’s very important to us“, Shori starts when he places his arms on the table between them.

„It’s about Meiko, right? You’re her boyfriend?“

Shori looks up at him, thankful that he’s being straightforward and getting to the point.

„You want me to stop talking to her, right? Well, I’m not the one constantly trying to contact her, it’s all her. I broke up with her a long time ago.“

„Eh? No no, I’m not here because of that. I’m not her boyfriend either, but she wants it to be like that in her head“, Shori tells, quickly clarifying the situation as he continues to explain their current state to the clueless guy. „You guys were togther?“

„Oh. Yeah, I used to be her senior in High School, I’m a year older than her. I moved to Tokyo last year to go to university, and broke up with her before doing so. Not because of the distance though. It was because of other things.“

„Why is that?“, Shori asks and Sou is surprised Shori dares asking such personal questions shortly after having met someone for the first time. „I’m sorry for asking but... Was Meiko like this before? I mean, I know her for quite a long time too, but she wasn’t like that in the past. She’s blackmailing and threatening and doing criminal things, it doesn’t feel like her at all anymore.“

„What?!“, Hiroshi asks in shock. „That’s not what I think of her either. But I think it might be because of me. I think she still likes me and she only is with someone else to make me jealous. She didn’t handle the break up very well.“

„Sounds like crazy television drama, huh.“

„Yeah, almost. Well, the reason I broke up with her was for various reasons but the main was because she started changing once we started our relationship. I always liked her for being a strong, independent, cool girl“, Hiroshi tells and pauses to take a sip of his coffee. „But once we were together, she started becoming weird. She wasn’t herself anymore, she only did things to please me. Don’t get me wrong, which guy would not like that? But it’s not that, what I enjoyed before was discussing various topics with her, hear her genuine opinions and _hers_ only, not altered opinions, not something she would say because she thought that’s what I wanted to hear. She wasn’t herself anymore.“

„It sounds like she was so insecure and scared of losing you that this fear turned into something so big that threatened your relationship to crumble, and even made your love for her fade eventually“, Shori says and nods his head like he has already analysed the whole situation.

Sou looks at Shori instead, wondering when Shori became so good at giving relationship advices.

„Yes, that exactly. The more time passed, the more I missed the old Meiko before I confessed to her. She was like a completely different person! I told her that but she didn’t get it. She thought I was getting angry because she wasn’t trying enough so she became even more annoying. Even when I wanted her to decide simple things like where we should go on a date to, she didn’t even want to decide herself anymore and left all the decisions to me“, Hiroshi continues. „It’s really troublesome because I’m not that kind of guy. I don’t like girls who depend on the guy for everything. Then one day, I broke up with her because I finally decided right before graduating I didn’t want to be together with a robot-like slave. I wanted to start anew after moving here to go to college and I thought maybe she would learn more out of the situation. Well, maybe now you might think I took the easy way and ran away, right?“

„No, I understand you completely“, Sou answers and Shori looks at him in surprise, not having expected Sou to speak up at all. „I would be annoyed by such a person as well.“

„Exactly. Sometimes you cannot change people no matter how hard you try and sometimes you change them too much, to a point where it’s no good anymore.“

„Yes, right? It’s complicated“, Sou breathes in. „But people change every day and sometimes the person you once thought was right for you just isn’t anymore.“

Shori still looks at Sou, wondering what’s going through his head now that he has really gotten into this whole conversation. For a moment he wonders if Sou thinks like that about him. He quickly discards that thought.

„So she’s only with me because she’s miserable and couldn’t accept her last breakup“, Shori finally says, shifting in his seat. „Which is good because then we can convince her otherwise. We can give her the closure she needs.“

„Huh?“, Hiroshi and Sou groan at the same time.

„I think we need to talk to her with you, Hiroshi“, Shori replies. „Please, you have to help us.“

„Well, I don’t know how that is going to help but I can try I guess“, Hiroshi finally says after a good minute of silence and Shori and Sou mentally high-five each other.

„Then... Obviously she won’t agree meeting all of us voluntarily. We have to lure her somewhere we can talk to her in private“, Shori says. „There’s a playground near my house, it’s usually vacant in the evening when it gets dark. We used to hang out there many times. It would be good to do it there.“

„Ah, I know that playground“, Sou retorts instantly.

„So that’s the plan?“, Hiroshi asks, obviously questioning their proposal. „We just go there and talk to her? I have talked to her so many times before breaking up, I don’t think that’ll work.“

„We have to try!“, Shori raises his voice slightly before he gets up from his seat, then bows in front of Hiroshi, both hands neatly by his side. „I beg you! Maybe together we can find the right words.“

„I-it’s okay“, Hiroshi says, a little embarrassed by Shori going all the way. „I’ll help you. I guess Meiko is also kind of my responsiblity, huh.“

Shori looks back at Sou and gives him a reassuring smile. Perhaps everything will be okay in the end when all the pieces fall in place.

_Everything starts with good intentions but words can be dangerous._

 

~~~~~~

 

„Do you really think it’s going to work?“, Sou asks as Shori is walking him to the nearest train station.

They have made up a plan. Tomorrow at six in the evening. Sou is supposed to bring Hiroshi to the playground near Shori’s house and Shori is going to bring Meiko. If it’ll work or not, that is something they both cannot guarantee.

„Of course“, Shori only says and keeps staring to the front, avoiding Sou’s eyes and Sou can’t help but feel something is bothering Shori.

„How can you always be so positive“, Sou retorts but doesn’t really say it as a question, more as a statement that he’s envious of.

„And you’re always so negative.“

„I don’t even know why you put up with all my stupidity in the first place. We’re like complete opposites.“

„Like yin and yang“, Shori says before he takes a deep breath. „But in order for both elements to exist they need each other. There’s no positive without negative and no negative without positive.“

Sou smiles faintly while answering. „I didn’t know you were so spiritual. Anyways, I’m not negative, I’m realistic.“

„You don’t have to come with us tomorrow if you don’t want to.“

„No, I want to“, Sou immediately throws in. „I’m the one who got us into this trouble so I also want to be the one to take responsibility.“

Without noticing they finally reach the station and stop in front, Sou wanting to tell Shori goodbye for the day but he cuts him off.

„Did you mean anything specific when you said that earlier?“

„What?“

„People change and sometimes someone you once thought was right for you just is not anymore“, Shori quotes his earlier statement and Sou remembers.

In truth Sou didn’t think too much about it himself. He was actually referring to himself. Ever since he met Shori he has changed so much and the person Sou used to be before, he could never become such a person again. Of course he does not mean he is getting tired of Shori. The mere thought that Shori assumes that makes Sou want to jump in happiness.

„Did you think I was talking about you?“, Sou asks and one corner of his lips rises into a grin.

Shori doesn’t reply, only frowns at him, and before he can protest and say he isn’t worried at all, Sou jumps and wraps his arms around Shori’s neck to pull him into a tight hug.

„You were worried about me not loving you anymore“, Sou mumbles right below his ear and he sounds like he’s almost crying.

„I was not“, Shori replies and it comes out muffled since Sou is holding him so tight his face is pushed straight into Sou’s jacket.

Shori wriggles his way out of Sou’s hug after a good minute before he begins to feel the people around give them too many stares doing those kind of things in the middle of a busy street.

„We’re in public, behave“, Shori mumbles when Sou finally lets go and he fixes his mask and scarf back in place.

„Sorry.“

„Let’s do our best tomorrow.“

With these words they part and Shori waves Sou goodbye as he takes the stairs down to take the metro.

 

~~~~~

 

Shori remembers this playground very well. He grew up in this neighbourhood his whole life, in the centre of Tokyo, tall buildings and colourful vending machines surrounding him. This playground is quite hidden from the main streets and only locals know about it, so it always felt like he could escape the world when he was able to come to this playground with a popsicle from the nearest Seven-Eleven to play with his friends and the neighbour’s kids.

Later on when he grew older he came to that playground just to hang out and have a chat with his friends while they would sit on the swing or the slide and poke fun at each other. He also often came here with Sou during summer nights despite all the mosquitos, since they were able to be outside but away from people.

When he arrives with Meiko he doesn’t feel good and it’s the first negative memory he’s going to have of his playground. In fact it’s the first time since forever he feels uneasy in general, having no plan of what he’s going to say at all.

„Why are you taking me to a playground?“, Meiko asks when she spots the red children’s slide and the pair of swings in front of them and Shori steps up to her.

Shori realises the street lights don’t really reach the playground and the lack of lightning gives it a creepy atmosphere so he stops at the entrance.

„Don’t worry, I don’t want to scare you or hurt you or anything“, Shori says just in case Meiko asked that out of fear. „I just wanted to show you where I used to hang out with my friends when I was younger.“

Shori looks at his wristwatch quickly to check the time. The plan should begin any second now.

„Oh“, Meiko only says, not really amazed by such a common boring-looking place in the midst of this exciting metropolitan city.

Before Shori can make up a story to tell to entertain Meiko a little further he sees a guy walking up behind Meiko, when coming closer he realises it’s her ex-boyfriend Hiroshi and Sou is right behind him, trying not to step into spotlight too much.

„Hey.“

As soon as Meiko hears that familiar voice she frowns and turns around.

Shori thinks he has never seen that face expression on her before. She looks like she has just seen a ghost and her soul left her body.

„What are _you_ doing here?!“, she screeches in a high-pitched voice and Shori thinks if there have been any ghosts around they have left now for sure.

„I’m here because I heard you are putting yourself in danger, Meiko“, Hiroshi says and takes a step closer to which Meiko steps back. „Why are you trying to force yourself doing something you don’t really want?“

Shori hurries to Sou’s side so the three of them are facing Meiko, although Hiroshi is a good step or two in front, having all of Meiko’s attention on him.

„I’m not forcing anything. I have a new boyfriend and I’m living life, I don’t know what your problem is.“

„Really? Then why are you constantly texting me and plastering all your social media with happy quotes when half of them are lies and you aren’t even happy?“

Meiko looks at him. Even Shori can tell that she’s hurt and that she can barely face this guy, too many emotions bottled up inside of her. All of a sudden he only sees a little vulnerable girl in front of them and he almost feels a little sorry for her. She didn’t have to go through feelings like this. Maybe a little bit of evil is inside of him as well. In each one of them.

„He’s right“, Shori says with a calm voice. „It’s over now. You shouldn’t pretend anymore, for your own sake. I know I was just a substitute for your ex-boyfriend, right? Someone you wanted to cling onto to make the sadness go away.“

Meiko looks at her feet and Shori thinks maybe he found the exact right words this time. For once he says the right things.

„I forgive you for what you did, so you should forgive yourself as well“, he adds. „I don’t want to see you like this anymore. Sad.“

She laughs as she looks up at Shori and he looks at her in confusion. Her face finally shows emotion but instead of remorse she looks angered.

„You really think you’re that amazing and have everything figured out, huh?! You’re full of shit, Shori“, she spits and even Shori himself is shocked at her choice of words. „You were snooping around in my private stuff, that’s good for you. You were right about one thing though, you were a substitute. I liked you because I knew I couldn’t have you, and you are quite handsome. But I did not love you. I couldn’t, even if I tried to because I still love someone else.“

Shori notices her hands are shaking. The facade has begun to crumble.

She continues. „Fine, you found my weakness and embarrassed me by making me reveal my true feelings. But _please_ stop this bullshit acting because _you’re_ the one pretending here, pretending to be good and righteous, wanting to help me. You’re only here because of that god damn picture I took of Matsushima and you want it deleted no matter what the cost.“

Shori gulps because it’s true, at least partly. He is here because of Sou. But isn’t that what everyone would do for their loved one?

Even Hiroshi isn’t sure how to solve this confusing situation anymore. „Hey Meiko, you can’t say things like that, we were-...“

„That’s not true!“, Sou suddenly steps forward right in front of Meiko, only a metre separating them, his voice raised. „That’s not true, Shori does genuinely care about you. I know it because I know Shori’s true character. I know he’s giving and loving and caring and although he can’t solve every problem in the world he tries his best. But this is not about Shori. He’s not like us at all.“

„Us?“ Meiko raises an eyebrow. She didn’t expect Sou to have a say in any of this. Probably nobody expected this of Sou.

„I’m sorry that we pried in your past and contacted your ex-boyfriend. But I think I finally understand what kind of person you are. I was once like you as well“, Sou starts. „I also always tried to adapt to others to please them and do everything for them in order to be loved and accepted but now I want to be selfish for the first time. Yes, I want you to delete the picture and let me be happy with Shori. But I also don’t want you to ruin yourself. Love is the only thing we have left when we have nothing and no one wants to have somebody pretend they love them, am I right?“

Meiko still looks at him, her face expression softened. She has her hands balled in fists, clutching the hem of her jacket. Hiroshi and Shori are still awe-struck as well, they have not expected the main conversation go between Sou and Meiko in the end.

„You said _sometimes love is blind_ before to me, right? I know what you meant now. But I don’t agree with that saying. Instead we choose to close our eyes because we think we don’t need to see anymore, since that love makes us feel whole, makes us feel like it’s the only thing to depend on. But someone who truly loves keeps their eyes open to see what is happening around them, to see if their partner is truly happy or not. Love is anything but blind, love is observation, seeing and understanding, and, eventually, sometimes love is seeing that you have to let go of the one you love in order to make them happy, and in order to love yourself.“

Meiko is trying her hardest not to break out in tears as Sou is talking. Her whole body is shaking and her hair falls into her eyes, covering her pitiful inner state. Shori notices it. He thinks everyone notices.

Shori grabs Sou’s hand and squeezes it tightly, making sure Sou isn’t crying himself. He can’t believe everything Sou has just said, the words so fitting, for the first time Sou sounds like he is bursting with confidence. This is definitely the person who has written that letter to Shori. When he thinks back to how Sou used to say he won’t kiss before marriage and now he has grown so much. They have grown so much. So many things have changed but they are still here, together.

Shori stops his thoughts when he sees Hiroshi walk towards Meiko and pull her into his embrace. She doesn’t fight back, lets it happen. Meiko sobs uncontrollably into Hiroshi’s jacket. Neither Shori nor Sou know why she’s crying or what they’re saying to each other. If it’s because Sou’s words were this touching or if it’s the mere sight of her first love in front of her, reminding her why she’s here in the first place.

Either way, Shori thinks they don’t need to know.

A long time passes and Shori eyes Meiko’s handbag which she has dropped on the ground near the slide a few metres away from her. He even sees her mobile phone peeking out of a side pocket. Finally he has all the time in the world to take it and delete the photo once and for all but somehow he doesn’t even want to move towards it. It’s finally over. No matter the outcome tonight, he knows Meiko will delete it herself. He knows.

„I told you everything will be alright in the end“, Shori whispers to Sou with a smirk and Sou looks back at him, smiling. He squeezes his hand even harder.

Shori never knew how much that smile means to him but now he does.


	12. Chapter 12

 

                                                                 

 

 

 

_One week later_

 

It’s a month after Valentine’s day and Shori is convinced he has finally found the perfect present for Sou. He knows Sou doesn’t value food as much as he does himself and buying anything materialistic wouldn’t mean as much to him as an experience.

So Shori buys two concert tickets to see a band they both like, in Sou’s hometown Shizuoka. The tickets are quite difficult to obtain but Shori outdoes himself this time, having chosen a perfect group and a perfect location.

He has already paid for their Shinkansen tickets as well. Shori has to admit he probably feels even more excited than Sou. Although he has been in Shizuoka by himself before he has never went anywhere with Sou even if the town is merely an hour away with the bullet train.

Fully self-confident Shori steps out of the house that morning. He couldn’t keep it a secret for too long, he has told Sou on the phone yesterday night about his present and Sou has screamed so loud Shori was sure he woke up all of his neighbours. Maybe Sou is a little more excited than him after all.

Shori stretches his limbs outside before he locks the front door behind him. He cannot wait until they are in Shizuoka and Sou starts telling him about all the places he used to go to while he was still living there and Shori gets to know all of Sou’s childhood.

Shori wants to take a turn right to walk to his nearest metro station to pick Sou up when he spots Meiko stand next to the vending machine around the corner by his house, a suitcase in front of her and a bag on her back. She’s looking at her phone and doesn’t even notice Shori walking past by her. Not that Shori would be easy to recognise with his baseball cap and mask and baggy black clothes.

„Hey“, Shori says as he steps in front of her. „Where are you going with all that stuff?“

Meiko jumps a little, taking her earphones out before she looks up at Shori.

„Oh, it’s you“, she mumbles. „I’m going back home.“

„To Fukuoka?!“

„Yes. Ah by the way, I want to apologise properly this time“, she says and bows in front of Shori, her corny strawhat almost falling off her head while doing so. „I said some pretty mean things to you last time although I was the one who did so many horrible things to both you and Matsushima. I hope you can forgive me one day. And also I have of course deleted the picture. That was really... well. I’m embarrassed to even talk about it.“

„I’ve already forgiven you“, Shori says quickly. „But I thought your ex and you have made up again? I thought you would want to stay here because of him.“

„Nope“, she replies with a faint smile. „We aren’t back together. But I think I have learned to finally let go and now I’m going back to Fukuoka to learn how to love myself. I think I’ll enrol in an university over there, Tokyo is way too hectic for me. Also rent over there is much cheaper than here if I finally decide to be independent.“

„Wow, that’s some mature words for such a young girl“, Shori chuckles. „But I’m glad you want to start anew in your hometown. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for and get into a great university.“

„Yeah, I hope so.“

„Sexy Zone’s tour is starting soon too and we’re coming to Fukuoka in April. You should totally come see us“, Shori suggests. „I mean, if you still want to be a fan of course.“

Meiko laughs. „That would be nice actually, I’m sure I can take a few friends along.“

„Ah, are you going with the metro? I was on my way there right now. Actually I gotta hurry a little.“

„No, I’m waiting for my taxi to get me to the airport“, Meiko replies. „But have fun on your date. And tell Matsushima thanks for everything from me.“

Shori flushes red and waves Meiko goodbye before he finally turns right to get on his way.

Some times might change for the better after all.

 

~~~~~

 

Sou is filled with adrenalin after Shori and him leave the concert hall in Shizuoka later that evening. The musicians have outdone themselves once again performance-wise, the crowd was hyped and Sou couldn’t have imagined spending these moments with anyone else but Shori.

„I still can’t believe you brought me to Shizuoka for White Day!“, Sou beams as he clings onto Shori’s arm while they’re finding their way out of the venue.

„It was just a coincidence that the concert was in your home town“, Shori replies but he is happy about that as well. He didn’t think he would find such a fitting present for Sou. „And you wanted to travel with me, so I guess that’s the first baby step.“

„Although I’ve travelled to Shizuoka back and forth so many times before I feel so happy to be here right now“, Sou says. „I seriously didn’t expect anything at all. I mean, I was kidding when I said I expect something back on Valentine’s. My chocolate cannot even compare to _this_.“

„Oh, I think that chocolate was amazing“, Shori smiles and holds onto Sou’s jacket sleeve.

There are so many faces around them they don’t really go noticed in a crowd full of people and Shori makes use of every small moment to be close to Sou without _really_ being close.

When they finally make it out of the venue they walk the night streets of Shizuoka for a while, unsure of where they are walking towards to. The city is much smaller than Tokyo obviously but still big enough to get lost.

„Do you know where we’re heading to? We should catch the metro if we still want to make it to the last Shinkansen to Tokyo“, Shori asks as he looks to Sou.

„I thought you know the way?“

„Well, I thought you do since you’re from here...“

„Let me think for a while...“, Sou stops and looks around them, letting other people pass them by. „I think we should go down there. Or wait no, the opposite direction!“

„...or you could just say you don’t have a clue where we are“, Shori laughs. „I’ll look it up on Google maps.“

„It’s not like I’m here every day ever since I moved to Tokyo. I think I know even more streets in Tokyo by now“, Sou says while Shori keeps scrolling down on his mobile looking at a map of Shizuoka.

„Ah, this way“, he finally says and points at the opposite direction of them. „The station is right around that corner.“

Sou trusts Shori’s sense of direction and they follow the masses of people right to the train station. He just realises they could have done that easily from the beginning.

„Wow, there really is a ton of people here and this station looks real small“, Shori comments as he stops behind a huge group of people in front of the station, waiting in line to get on the escalator. „The last Shinkansen goes in 20 minutes at 10:24PM, I doubt we’re going to make that.“

„What about calling a taxi?“

„Nope, already tried that right after the concert ended. They said they don’t have enough taxis anymore due to the high demand. I didn’t even know _that_ many people went to see this band.“

„So... we’re not going to make it back?“, Sou asks, unsure of what he’s expecting.

„I guess not.“

Shori only sighs as he looks around to think of a plan and his view stops at the flashy neon lights of a trendy love hotel across the street. Sou seems to notice almost instantly where Shori’s glimpse has went.

„You want to go to a love hotel?“

Suddenly Shori clears his throat and looks at him like he has just proposed the silliest idea ever. „No, of course not! We’re two guys, that would look really awkward. Also no hotels, I don’t want anyone to recognise us.“

Then Sou decides for something he has wanted to say all along but didn’t want to before because he doesn’t want to force Shori do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable with. „How about we stay over at my family’s house? It’s only a few stations from here.“

„...Is that okay?“, Shori asks genuinely. „I mean, at this hour of the day too...“

„Yeah, of course. My dad is always happy to see me since I don’t come back that often anymore. And he works night shifts too so he doesn’t always sleep early.“

„Then let’s go stay there for the night“, Shori retorts with a smile. „I’ve always wanted to see where you grew up anyways.“

 

~~~~~

 

Because of the crowded train stations they need almost an hour to arrive at the Matsushima household, shortly after eleven o’clock in the evening.

Shori realises Sou’s two-storey family house looks much bigger from the outside than his own and is not cramped between two other houses, the neighbour’s house a good ten metres away with trees and bushes separating them.

He also notices a lot more nature around him, they even pass a cornfield on their way. It’s almost like he’s at the countryside and he imagines it must have been a really fun childhood growing up here. He can picture little Sou running around the pathway playing tag with his friends.

„We’ve arrived“, Sou says and walks up to the entrance to ring the door bell although the door is most probably open anyways.

It takes a moment but Shori hears footsteps coming towards them and a short old man opens the door, the biggest smile on his face upon seeing Sou.

„My son!“, he shouts in happiness and takes Sou into his arms, hugging him tight like he hasn’t seen him for years. „What are you doing here? I’m so happy to see you!“

„We went to a concert here in Shizuoka but we missed the last Shinkansen so yeah, I thought we could stay here for the night?“, Sou asks.

„My other son! Shori!“, the old man hollers and Shori doesn’t get around not getting hugged like he belongs to his family as well before Sou’s father looks back at his own son. „Of course you can stay here, any time. This is still your home as well, Sou. Come in, come in.“

When they step inside and take off their shoes at the entrance area, Sou’s father stops to look at both of them and Shori only stares back, feeling a little shy all of a sudden even though it’s not the first time they met.

„I’m sorry we came unannounced and this late“, Shori says and bows slightly.

„No, not at all! No need to be polite with me, son“, Sou’s father replies with a laugh and then proceeds to cup Shori’s face to take a closer look at him. „Your face got even prettier than the last time I’ve seen you! Such a handsome young man.“

„Hey, I’m still here too“, Sou throws in sarcastically although it fills his heart with warmth that his own father likes Shori this much. „Didn’t I get more handsome too?“

„Maybe a little“, the man jokes, then guides them to the dining room where it looks like he has just had some dinner. „I already had dinner but I still have a lot of left for you guys. There’s a lot of eel pie and fried snacks.“

Shori looks at the table and spots the eel pies almost instantly and giggles a little because it’s all very traditionally Shizuoka and his mouth already waters at the sight.

„Oh and also our neighbours, the Yamamoto’s, have brought us self-made sake just a few days ago. Now that you’re off age you have to drink a toast with your old man!“

Sou’s father disappears in the kitchen and they can hear clinking of glasses and before they can protest he’s already back with a bottle of what looks like plum rice wine and some cups.

„Really dad, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drink right now, we’re actually very tired because we’ve had a stressful time lately because of the album release and maybe-...“

„Just one cup!“, the old man insists and Shori guesses there’s no fighting it as he’s already pouring the sake down into three different looking cups. „One cup isn’t going to hurt you now that you’re a man.“

„Okay, okay. One cup“, Sou gives in and hands Shori one of the cups so they can all drink to something. „What are we even drinking on?“

„On our success as a group?“, Shori suggests and locks eyes with Sou, knowing only he will get what he means. „And on us.“

„On my two beautiful sons“, Sou’s father says and Shori laughs as they all clink glasses, or in their case, cups.

Shori feels the burn of the alcohol down his throat after he drinks it in one go but it’s the good kind of burn that makes you feel like you just cleared your entire insides. The plum leaves a rich taste on his tongue and he can tell the sake is self-made and of exquisite quality, something he would have to pay a fortune for in Tokyo but gets to enjoy here for free nevertheless.

He isn’t sure if it’s just the alcohol but suddenly he feels even happier than before, adrenalin rush through his body. The whole situation, being with Sou and now even with part of his family, everything feels like it has finally turned perfect.

„Your sister won’t be here until tomorrow late afternoon, she went out somewhere with her friends“, his father tells Sou as he puts his cup down and walks towards the entrance again. „I wish I could stay here for a bit longer with you guys to chat but I work the night shift today so I need to leave now, I won’t be back until tomorrow morning.“

„Ah, that’s unfortunate“, Sou replies.

„But make yourself comfortable and take care of the house“, Sou’s father says and hugs his son one more time.

Then he turns to Shori and places his hands on his shoulders, almost piercing through Shori with his eyes and making him jump a little. „And you, take good care of Sou.“

„Of course!“, Shori immediately replies.

„I can take care of myself“, Sou sulks and they all laugh.

After Sou’s father gets his jacket and bag he waves them goodbye before he leaves through the entrance door again to go to work on his bicycle.

As soon as the charismatic old man leaves the house and the two of them are by themselves, Sou grabs for the sake bottle on the table but Shori reaches for it too, crossing Sou’s plans.

„You’re not going to drink any more of this sake“, Shori replies coldly, his grip firmly on the bottleneck. „You heard your dad. I’m your boss here now.“

„This is my house!“, Sou groans and his voice cracks.

„We all know what happens if you drink too much alcohol“, Shori says with a laugh as he gets up from the table. „And your face is already getting red.“

„So is yours!“, Sou laughs back and reaches to pinch one of Shori’s flushing cheeks to which the older slaps his hand away.

„I’m not“, he mumbles instead. „I’m just getting heated up because you’re being unreasonable.“

„Of course“, Sou retorts and rolls his eyes playfully. „But okay, let me show you my room then.“

Sou takes Shori’s hand and before he is able to protest Sou drags him up the staircase to his old bedroom with so much excitement Shori almost stumbles over his own feet as he goes up the stairs.

When he enters the room it’s exactly what he has imagined. Childish, cute, with a touch of Sou. There’s still a lot of posters on the wall although Sou claims he has taken most of them down because his dad wanted to make this his new working room since Sou has moved out but somehow he didn’t get to it yet.

There’s a bed by the windows, a desk, a cupboard and a shelf with books, it looks like a normal teenager’s room. Shori looks around, still cannot comprehend that he’s standing right in the middle of the room Sou grew up in. It almost feels like he’s dreaming.

„Do you like it?“, Sou asks and does a cute spin around himself with his arms stretched out.

„It’s very Sou-like“, Shori answers and takes a step closer. He hasn’t realised up until now how hard his heart is suddenly beating.

It’s almost like he can hear an Ed Sheeran song play in the background although there’s nothing but silence and the sound of breathing between them. It’s almost like a scene from a movie. Undescribable.

Sou is the one to take the first step this time.

With each centimetre he inches nearer to Shori his heartbeat speeds up and then finally he leans in and kisses Shori gently on his lips.

Sou puts his hands on Shori’s shoulders and Shori’s fingers softly slide down Sou’s spine, giving him goose bumps. The kiss is soft and genuine and romantic and everything feels so freaking good, it feels like all the pieces finally fell into place, now that Sou is with him and he doesn’t have to miss his warmth anymore.

While their lips move perfectly with each other, they both relax more and Shori rests his hands down on Sou’s hips. When Sou slightly opens his mouth Shori deepens the kiss, eagerly slips his tongue inside Sou’s mouth and caresses him slowly. He tastes like plum and alcohol but that’s fine because it’s Sou after all.

He feels Sou’s cheeks flush as well as they continue kissing passionately, Shori doesn’t even notice Sou’s hands sliding down to his chest to tug at his collar, fumbling with the buttons to unbutton his shirt.

Shori breaks off the kiss. „Sou...“

„What?“, Sou asks with a sly smile and Shori can feel his hot breath on his skin.

„What are you doing?“

„Giving you what you wanted all this time. Actually, this should have been your real Valentine’s present.“

„...Are you drunk?“ Shori raises a questioning eyebrow.

„Only tipsy enough to muster up the courage to do this“, Sou replies in all honesty. „I mean, I want it too, of course. The sake doesn’t play a role in this.“

„Wait, how do you know _I_ want this?“, Shori asks curiously, knowing they haven’t been _that_ close yet for Sou to know what his body is feeling, nor have they ever talked about similar topics.

„I’m not that dumb“, Sou smiles. „Remember when you stayed over at my place the last time? You’ve been talking in your sleep, no, more like moaning, while saying things like _Yes, more, Sou, give me more_.“

Shori turns so red from embarrassment he is actually thankful for the dim lightning around them. „...Maybe I was dreaming about you feeding me cakes.“

Sou laughs and his loud laughter fills up the room and Shori thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he has ever heard.

„Even in a situation like this you’re still trying to deny it! I’m a guy too, you know“, Sou snickers. „I know exactly why you took a shower again that morning.“

„W-well then, do you want to take my shirt off then or not?“, Shori scoffs as he rolls his eyes, then grabs Sou’s hands to put them back on his chest. „You talk too much.“

Sou nods and smiles as he carefully unbuttons each and every button of Shori’s collared white shirt, he almost curses himself for being so impatient and slow at the same time.

When Shori slides the shirt off his shoulders and stands half-naked in front of him Sou gulps, he can feel his entire face burn up as he looks at his shirtless boyfriend. He doesn’t understand how Shori is able to stay that calm. It’s either that or he is just really good at hiding his emotions.

Shori gives Sou a little kiss on the lips before he takes his sweater off as well, now both only wearing their bottoms and socks still.

„We don’t have to do this if you don’t really want to“, Shori says one more time, making sure Sou isn’t pressuring himself for his sake. „I can wait.“

„No!“, Sou protests almost instantly. „I said it once before. I want to be selfish this time.“

Before he can say something else Shori slips his tongue back into Sou’s mouth, kissing with a fervent passion he didn’t know he had before, wanting to be even closer to Sou if that’s physically possible.

As Shori slowly directs him towards the bed with his kisses, Sou yelps against his lips when his legs hit the edge of the bed and Shori proceeds to throw himself with Sou onto the soft mattress, giggling as their bodies collide. They are glued to each other like two magnets and now that Sou is lying back on his old bed a lot of things go through his head, most importantly the fact that he has never imagined before the next time he comes back it would be with Shori on top of him.

They make ouf for a while longer in their newly acquired position and their bodies move perfectly in sync with each other, Sou noticing the growing arousal in Shori’s thin sweat pants quickly and he can’t help but smirk against his lips and wrap his arms around Shori’s neck to pull him even closer. Unconsciously he starts rubbing his body against Shori’s while he digs his fingers into the soft skin.

After that Shori slowly goes down leaving small kisses all over his neck, right under his jawline, on his prominent collarbone, even bites the sensitive parts right above his chest gently. Sou’s body shudders under his touch and he can only grip Shori’s soft hair in the meantime.

Shori kisses his way down to his navel and every kiss makes Sou feel like small bits of electricity shoot up right through his whole body. When Shori’s hands fidget with his belt he locks eyes with Sou and although he feels shy he also feels incredibly turned on as well. Shori looks perfect in this position. Even if Sou has seen him naked so many times before this time it’s different and all the more special.

They’re quick to remove even the last few of the remaining clothing pieces and now only have their bare bodies on each other. Sou blushes even harder than before, now that he can really feel Shori’s hard and leaking arousal against his stomach.

Sou moans unexpectedly when Shori grabs his hard-on and gives it a few experimental tugs. Suddenly everything feels so exciting and sensitive, each touch makes him crave for more and Sou wonders if Shori shares the same thoughts.

„I don’t want to hurt you“, Shori says as they lock eyes.

„You won’t, I know.“

„I was implying if you have anything here with you... Like, condoms and lube“, Shori explains and can’t believe he had to say that out loud for Sou. „I have some at my house but I didn’t expect this to happen today. At least not here.“

Sou realises he isn’t prepared for this at all and he could mentally slap himself for that mistake. Reality is not quite as easy as one of his countless fantasies of feeling Shori inside of him after all.

„Well, it’s okay. We have all the time in the world“, Shori says with a smile after he sees Sou’s face freeze up, then leaves a gentle kiss on his cheek before he engulfs them both in his hand, starting with slow strokes and thrusts.

„I love you“, Sou moans and Shori mumbles an _I love you too_ back against his hot skin.

Sou throws his head back and enjoys every little one of Shori’s ministrations. Shori takes this opportunity to attack Sou’s neck again and he groans against his warm skin as he thrusts into his own hand and against Sou, occasionally biting down to muffle his own voice and leave a love bite.

As the stroking becomes faster and more furious, Sou’s voice turns louder and more whiny and they’re both actually glad they are alone in this house since it turns out Sou is quite the screamer. Shori could listen to Sou’s voice forever, so he decreases the speed again to tease Sou a little, to which he only replies in pleading cries.

„Are you ready?“, Shori asks with a raspy voice and he doesn’t even need to hear Sou’s answer to that rhetorical question.

Sou only nods and grabs Shori’s face to kiss him, to taste him once again. He wants their bodies to feel as connected as possible when they both reach their long-awaited climax. They both do so as soon as Shori speeds up again and they both thrust into Shori’s hand against each other, only their groans and heavy breathing and noise of skin-to-skin-contact accompanying them in the room.

Sou’s mind goes completely blank in that moment, totally fallen for the pleasure he feels. The thought of Shori feeling the exact same emotions, the same pleasure, the same love, it is worth more than anything else to Sou.

Shori collapses to the side right next to him after they finish and he breathes out heavily, still captivated by everything that has happened tonight, just like Sou.

 _I think I’m dreaming_ , Sou thinks to himself as he stares up at the ceiling.

„You’re not dreaming“, Shori whispers and Sou turns his head, pondering if Shori is just able to read his mind by now or if he has said that out loud without noticing.

The cold weather outside still has its effects so Sou pulls up the blanket over their exhausted bodies and snuggles into Shori underneath it. He holds him tight, like he never wants to let go.

„You know what?“, Sou asks against Shori’s chest.

„What?“

„I’m glad I wrote that letter eventually. If not maybe I wouldn’t be here with you right now.“

„It’s not only the letter. Sure, writing it may helped convey your emotions properly but in the end you’re writing your own story anyways. We all are.“

„So, does our story have a happy end?“, Sou asks again as he props himself up on his arms to look down at Shori.

„No, it doesn’t“, Shori says with the brightest smile on his face that infects Sou immediately.

 

„But our story does have a happy beginning.“

 

 

                                                                           

                                                                                  


End file.
